Do you ever ask yourself the question, "Why is this happening to me?" Most of us do, especially when things aren't going the way we want them to or we're dealing with something that's difficult or painful.
A few years ago I was talking to my friend Brian about this, and he said, "If you change the word 'to' to the word 'for' in that question, it can change your life." When Brian said this, it really resonated with me, and I never forgot it.
Instead of asking ourselves, "Why is this happening to me?" we could instead ask, "Why is this happening for me?" Wow, there's a world of difference in those two questions. The first one leads us down a path of victimhood, martyrdom, or feeling as though there's something wrong with us. The second one takes us in a direction of deeper growth, awareness, appreciation, responsibility, and healing.
Sadly, it often seems easier and is definitely more encouraged by the world around us to choose "Door Number One" (victimhood), than it is to choose "Door Number Two" (growth and responsibility).
Why is this? We live in a culture that celebrates and reinforces victimhood. And while there are clearly people in our world who are victimized by the "wrongs" of society and others (and some of us have been victimized by people and situations in our own lives personally), the majority of the time you and I act, talk, and feel like "victims," we're not -- it's just a habitual way of thinking and being that we're used to.
Most of us learned how to be victims at a very young age and had (and continue to have) lots of examples around us. In fact, victimhood is something we often used as a survival technique as children and adolescents. Although it doesn't really feel good, feeling sorry for ourselves is actually a way to distance ourselves from deep and painful emotions, like sadness, hurt, loneliness, fear, anger, and despair. Because we don't have the emotional capacity as kids or teens to fully experience and express our emotions in a healing and liberating way, we turn to victimhood, and it helps us survive.
In our lives as adults, however, playing the victim not only acts as a "smokescreen" (keeping us from taking responsibility and feeling our real emotions), it also causes a great deal of harm in relationships, at work, with our health, and much more.
Asking ourselves why something is happening for us instead of to us doesn't mean we have to like what's happening, necessarily. It also isn't about blaming ourselves for "screwing things up." This is about consciously choosing to look for the "gold," see the lesson, and take advantage of the situations and circumstances that show up in our lives as the opportunities for growth that they truly are.
While feeling like a victim is normal, common, and even "natural" for us as human beings, it never leads us to greater power, joy, or happiness.
The more willing we are to take responsibility for what shows up in our lives and to look for what we can learn from all that we experience, the more likely we are to heal, change, and transform in the positive way that we truly want.
Here are a few things you can think about and do to let go of victimhood and expand your capacity for growth and learning:
1) Notice when and where you feel like a victim.
Pick a specific area of your life, or a specific situation or relationship, where you currently feel that "it's not fair," or "it shouldn't be this way," or you find yourself asking, "Why is this happening to me?" While you may have more than one area or example of this in your life right now, it works best to focus on one area at a time. Notice what you think and say about this situation to yourself and others. Most important, tap into how you're truly feeling about it. Remember, victimhood is always a smokescreen, keeping us away from our authentic and vulnerable feelings. When you're able to acknowledge and ultimately experience and express how you really feel, things can start to shift.
2) Ask yourself the question, "Why is this happening for me?"
Related to this specific situation, asking yourself this question is something that can put you in a different and healthier inquiry about what's really going on. Again, you don't have to like what's happening, but you can appreciate it (which means recognize the value of it). What are you learning? What is it forcing you to deal with, let go of, heal or confront in your life? Another good question to ask yourself along these same lines is, "What good is here that I'm currently not seeing?" The more willing you are to look deeply at and learn from this situation, and the less energy you put into being at the mercy of it, the more power you'll have in dealing with it and growing in the process.
3) Talk to others authentically.
While we often "commiserate" our victimhood with other people, it's a better idea to share how we authentically feel (in a vulnerable way) and to engage in an inquiry with people we trust about why this situation may be happening for us. Other people are able to see and hear things we don't. Leaning on the people in your life, talking to them in a real way, and asking for their support and feedback can help you move through the difficulty, find the gold, and deepen your learning, especially when you're dealing with something challenging or painful like this. The less we share our issues with others, looking for them to agree with our "story of woe," and the more we share what we're going through with a desire for support and empowerment, the more likely we are to heal, grow, and evolve.
Letting go of victimhood is not the easiest thing for us to do -- most of us have years and years of experience. However, with compassion, consciousness, and a willingness to ask ourselves why things are happening for us (and not to us), we can liberate ourselves from victimhood in a beautiful and powerful way!
Mike Robbins is a sought-after motivational keynote speaker, coach, and the bestselling author of Focus on the Good Stuff (Wiley) and Be Yourself, Everyone Else is Already Taken (Wiley). More info - www.Mike-Robbins.com
Follow Mike Robbins on Twitter: www.twitter.com/mikedrobbins
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I agree that one of the most important roles we can play for each other and with our children is to see through the strategy of playing victim and encourage the full and complete experience of pain/suffering in order to let it go. The victim strategy, interestingly enough, is a displacement; the victim is, in fact, a "victim" but not of the circumstance so much as it is of the personal and societal rejection of the fullness of human experience.
"Because we don't have the emotional capacity as kids or teens to fully experience and express our emotions in a healing and liberating way, we turn to victimhood, and it helps... us survive."
It isnt so much that kids dont have the CAPACITY its that they dont have the PERMISSSION, so over time they turn to victimhood as a strategy. Adults who do not grant themselves permission, and who who live themselves in victimhood, cannot tolerate the expression of momentary pain and allow children (or other adults, for that matter) permission to feel it, express it, release it, & thereby move through it. Once you are an adult and decide you are going to treat yourself differently, give yourself permission, it becomes very important to select your support buddies carefully, lest you become the object of your buddy's projections of his own sense of "victimhood", and find yourself being blamed for "playing vicitim". These poorly chosen buddies will perpetuate the cycle, so best stay clear of them.
As an aside, I have noticed in my own troubles that I really don't even have the luxury of complaining. Whomever I talk to always has a sob story of their own (or, usually someone they sort of know, three people removed) which they feel obliged to share. Listening to their troubles, when I am so wrapped up in my own, does nothing to alleviate my misery.
So, I keep quiet and move forward as best I can. No blessing there, just pain and heartache.
Never before in my life have I experienced ANYTHING like this before. And when they all came to head, at the same time earlier this year, I was very very depressed for like 6 months dealing with the loss and the "why is this happening to me" kind of feeling and feeling like I am being punished having nothing working out for me. I was in despair for a long time.
I am in a better place now but I can say there have been some benefits to this and I do truly believe that life isn't meant to be easy all the time. I believe that challenges are meant to make us stronger and this has made me stronger.
I took my bully contractor to court even when he tried to emotionally intimidate me and I won. I am also going to be part of a nationwide lawsuit for the other issues. Because of ME (others were too lazy and apathetic), these two scam artists are in line to be investigated by the CSLB. So I will have worked to get these thieves in trouble and preventing them from hurting others. I have found strength I didn't know I had and I also am confident in small claims.
Anyways, many lessons. Still more to come.
But you won't get there if you see yourself as a victim. Whatever personality traits or idiosyncracies, accepting the full responsibility for your life is the only way to go - the only way worth going.
It was so interesting others responses to me. Some are supportive, some are not but one guy practically yelled at me for simply doing what I should do (take my guys to small claims). He YELLED at ME for trying! Many people blame the victim and it's wrong, IMO. Maybe because they don't want to face that there are bad people out there? I don't know but it is not right.
I found a new found passion in speaking up for scam victims in all of this since I have been thru it.
Remember that it was your cause, now it's simply A cause.
Be selfish, get back on track with YOUR life ;)
My doctors all tell me that my attitude was great and I had fewer side effects and a quicker recovery than most. I didn't/don't know how to have any other attitude. But I'm pretty sure it was largely due to my not moaning and groaning about why, I just dealt with it and concentrated on getting better and rolling with the punches as they came along (it was worse than they thought going in: first only surgery, then oh we have to do chemo, then oh we have to do a little bit of radiation, then the whole shooting match, ironic).
In my opinion we spend too much time obsessing over why (beyond actual causes that can lead to cures and prevention). We wind up missing out on the positives around us by focussing on our woes. But then I'm not at all spiritual either. Rather I follow a philosophy of realistic optimism.
It's much easier to just check the message against some empirical data and respond accordingly. Sometimes it's a "needs" thing (what need isn't being met by whatever-the-bad-thing-is-that's-happening) and then you gotta go decide if that need can be met, how to meet it and get it done. If it can't be, how're you gonna get by while you address the bigger problem.
Bright-siding a thing just gives the oppressor a pass (if there is one and there is more often than not, unless you're owning class then everything's peachy and those po' folks just complain too much).
It's always been that way. The most interminably cheerful and chipper people you know, are also likely to be the sickest people you know. The cheerfulness is just how they hide it. Even from themselves.
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Exactly so. And those who are glib enough at it make a great living as life coaches, motivational speakers, etc.
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Ogg-the-Bear: It's what's wrong with the "national culture" (if we can even call it that).
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It is part of the American character. Quimby, Peale, Hill, Robbins, Byrne, Abraham-Hicks, et all are all cut from the same cloth.
There's thinking involved, conscious and unconscious. You're not going to get the message without dealing with the unconscious part. That's just the way the mind works. Every person who says it can't be done only demonstrates that he himself does not know how to do it.
The rest of us have the sometimes tricky job of conveying what's obvious to us and sometimes completely hidden from others. Or else just waiting for people to smarten up. : )