Letting Go of Worry

How often do you find yourself worrying these days?

When I was a kid my mom used to say to me, "95% of what we worry about never happens." She recognized that I was the "worrying type" and was trying to help ease my mind. Although this rarely worked, I appreciated her sentiment and know now that she was right.

For as long as I can remember, I've been a bit of a worrier. I continue to work on this, let it go, forgive myself for it, and choose different ways of being in the face of my fear. And, I still catch myself worrying more than I'd like to admit -- about money, about the future, about how things will turn out, about what people think about me, about the well-being of my loved ones, about the state of the world and economy (especially right now), and much more.

However, no matter how much we worry, it never helps. And, as we look deeper at what worrying really is -- a set-up for failure, a negative attractor, and a denial or avoidance of feeling our true feelings -- we see that it can have a damaging impact on our lives, our work, and our relationships. When we worry, we're really getting ourselves ready to be upset or angry -- assuming something will not work out in the future.

Our worrying not only creates stress, it has an impact (usually negatively) on what we create and manifest, and on our experience of life in general. Worry is really a superficial emotion. It's clearly something that many of us are all familiar with, can share with others in a way that will garner sympathy, empathy, or even pity, and is easy for us to go through day to day life experiencing. However, underneath our worry are usually deeper emotions like shame, fear, guilt, hurt, or anger, many of which are more difficult for us to feel and express.

If we're able to tell the truth and face our deeper feelings, we won't have to waste our time and energy worrying. We can then deal with the root of the issue, not the superficial impact of it (which is what worry usually is)."

There's nothing wrong with feeling scared, angry, hurt, and even "worried," in and of itself. These emotions, like love, gratitude, excitement, joy, and others are very important to our human experience. Emotions that are felt deeply and expressed appropriately give us power (regardless of what they are). Emotions that are not felt deeply, that are denied or avoided, and are not effectively expressed, can be damaging.

Worry is always a sign that there are some deeper feelings and issues for us to address. It's often a good reminder for us to get more real, take better care of ourselves, and pay attention.

Below is a list of some things we can do when we get worried (which many of us are these days, especially given the state of the economy and the world, among other things.):

1. Ask ourselves, what's underneath my worry (i.e. why am I really worried and what am I really feeling)?

2. Face, feel, and express these underlying emotions- get support from others in this process if we need it.

3. Once we have felt and expressed these emotions, choose how we want to feel and what we want to create, instead of feeling like a victim.

4. Appreciate ourselves for the courage it takes to be honest and to deal with the challenging situations or emotions we're experiencing.

5. Focus on the good stuff in our lives (i.e. be grateful for what we have, who we are, and what we're going through)

Mike Robbins is a motivational keynote speaker, consultant, and the bestselling author of Focus on the Good Stuff (Hardcover, Wiley) and the forthcoming book Be Yourself, Everyone Else is Already Taken (Hardcover, Wiley, April 13, 2009). More info - www.BeYourselfBook.com

Comments

[mamacat]

Sounds like you had a great mother. Mine was great too, but different. She thought one could never worry enough.

[Drhank]

Hello,
I think you make a lot of solid points, especially that worry is a cue that something is "thretening" us and that it is smart to tke the time to think about it. Indeed, natural selection would favor those who "worried"-spending the time to problem solve about something that puts the "worrier" at risk. Being an effective problem solver allows one to not only cut down on "worrying time," which for most people is uncomfortable. Ineffective problem solvers spend a lot of time worrying.

What do we worry about? The economy, home mortgages, children's education, job. The fact is, our ancestors worried about these same "adaptive" problems-your child has to find the right college, your long ago ancestor had to find the right cave--. We are hardiwred to worry about certain things because they threaten our survival-only the content changes. For some interesting and useful insights on the subject, check out the new book, The Genius of Instinct: Reclaim Mother Nature's Tools for Enhancing Your Health, Happiness, Family, and Work."

[kristin1030]

Every time I read about some horrible, but random, event happening in the news, I become ever more worried about my own child's safety. For example, each time I read about some mentally unstable person bursting into a home, or a daycare, or a school, or a mall, (all of which have happened within the past year or two) and attack innocent people, I think, "What makes me so different from them that they should suffer a tragedy and I should not? Maybe this could happen to me, too." Ever since Natasha Richardson died, I find myself wondering if my daughter has just caused serious damage to herself every time she bumps her head (she's 2), and what if I don't recognize it in time? I credit my mother with passing on her incessant worrying to me, but I certainly don't know how to break the habit. Any suggestions?

[Mike Robbins]

I hear you and appreciate your honesty. As the father of a 3 year old and a 7 month old (both beautiful little girls) I find myself worrying about things related to them and my wife more than I'd like to at times. And, when we remember three important things about worrying, it usually makes a difference:
1) Worry comes from us and our thoughts - not from situations (yes there are real threats in the world, but how much or if we "worry" about them is up to us).
2) Having compassion with ourselves is the best approach. When we make ourselves wrong for worrying, it actually makes it worse. Worrying is very normal and if we grew up in an environment where there was a lot of worrying going on it can be even harder for us to break the pattern. We don't want to blame it on our parents or up-bringing, but we do want to acknowledge the challenge and have some compassion for ourselves.
3) Worry is a secondary emotion - not a root emotion. We're usually scared about something or preparing to be angry or hurt in the future when we worry. However, if we can identify, acknowledge, own, and express our real feeling(s) we can actually move through them and not get stuck in worry so much.
I hope some of these ideas resonate with you.
Cheers,
Mike
http://www.BeYourselfBook.com

[Arithrianos]

When i worry it usually means i am not trusting reality , that i have allowed my ego to "figure out" what is best and how it "should" happen and of course since ego is blind and stupid it never gets it right, and so if i rely on it i suffer. The truth is that no matter what arrises it is workable, or it can be used to move along the path.