Stop Apologizing for Who You Are

Apologizing can be a bit tricky for me. While I pride myself on being someone who is able to look within, take responsibility, and resolve conflicts directly, I also know that my own arrogance and insecurity can cause me to sometimes stubbornly refuse to apologize or, often more damaging, over apologize, which can include apologizing for who I am.

Being able to take responsibility for our impact on others, acknowledge and own our mistakes and shortcomings, and restore trust and connection with the people around us (i.e. what authentic apologizing is all about) are essential aspects of living a fulfilled life and creating healthy relationships.

However, many of us devalue, disrespect, and do harm to ourselves and those around us, by apologizing for who we are in a shame-based way (feeling as though we're not good enough or there's something inherently wrong with us).

Apologizing authentically is about taking responsibility for our actions, our impact, or our results, as an adult. This is called remorse -- wishing we hadn't done or said something, and taking actions to address and rectify the situation within ourselves, with others, or both.

Apologizing for who we are is often about us thinking or saying some version of, "I'm bad, it's my fault, or don't hate me," as if we're a child looking for validation or approval. This is a specific example of how shame shows up in our lives. And, no matter how much we might "apologize," when it comes from this insatiable, shame-based place, we're never able to shake the feeling of something being wrong with who we are.

The more we notice that we're apologizing for who we are, the more opportunity we have to look deeper -- acknowledge, feel and express our shame, and in the process begin to heal ourselves in a real way.

While we all have issues, flaws and challenges in life, at the deepest level there's nothing inherently wrong with any of us. Most of us, myself included, spend and waste way too much time judging, criticizing and being mean to ourselves.

Treating ourselves in this critical way never works. It doesn't help us become better people, it doesn't give us access to more love, power or talent, it doesn't make us more available for those around us who we want to support. It simply keeps us stuck in a negative story about who we think we are and what we think needs to be "fixed" about us so we can then live the life we truly want to live.

What if we stopped doing this to ourselves, stopped apologizing for who we are, and started honoring, valuing, and loving ourselves in an authentic way?

Mike Robbins is a sought-after motivational keynote speaker, coach, and the bestselling author of Focus on the Good Stuff (Wiley) and Be Yourself, Everyone Else is Already Taken (Wiley). More info - www.Mike-Robbins.com

 

 

 

Follow Mike Robbins on Twitter: www.twitter.com/mikedrobbins

Comments

[martintillier]

04:54 PM on 07/27/2010

I broadly agree, however, self-love is narcissism, even if a non-sexual, small-ego version of that trait and as such is to be avoided as an unhealthy ego-ism even at its least damaging. Self respect, Self control and proportionate and considered Self-criticism are the healthier "normal" versions of "Self-love". The modern obsession with the apparent "need" to "love" oneself is reflective of thinking which has become bogged down in a recursive cycle of self absorption that borders on fixation and a solipsistic navel-gazing which reduces objectivity and infantilizes the intellectual processes to a point of dangerous loss of perspective, sometimes even leading to self-loathing. That happens because we sub-consciously know that we should not "love" ourselves but should instead accept our good and bad points, our failings and our positive achievements, keeping the ego in its place and keeping perspective and objectivity.All in all a good post, thought provoking and considered, if a little flawed. Keep it up !

[Mike Robbins]

11:49 AM on 07/28/2010

Thanks for reading my post and for your passionate feedback. We clearly disagree about the nature and importance of self love...something I believe is crucial and essential for all of us. Much of the suffering we see in the world, in our country, in our communities, in our families, and in our close relationships comes from a lack of self love. Imagine what the world would look like if we all loved ourselves in an authentic way. Authentic self love has nothing to do with narcissism or "navel-gazing" and it doesn't mean we don't also look at our shadow and work to grow, improve, and enhance who we are...it means we treat ourselves with loving kindness, unconditionaly love, and tender compassion. Thanks for your feedback - I appreciate this conversation!

[martintillier]

04:35 PM on 07/28/2010

I may appear to disagree, but even when I do I acknowledge the integrity of your approach and have only respect for your learning and your interpretation of the term self love. I do not in fact disagree with the concept as it is described by your reply to my post and am very glad and honoured that you took the time to reply to my ramblings. As you say, the world would be so much warmer emotionally and ultimately safer if we all had some deeper understanding of our need to respect and care about and for ourselves, as well as for others. Right now I am a full-time home carer for my elderly disabled Mother,my Father was a WW2 veteran and disabled due to combat injuries he sustained while involved in D-Day, So I do know something about the emotional needs that we all have and have learned from my parents what it means to love and respect others and oneself. Thank you very much for the opportunity to air some of my thoughts on the subject (even if I deviate in context), and thank you very much for your thoughtful and considered reply.

[Yinka Daniel - Elebute]

12:57 PM on 07/27/2010

There shoudn't be any need for apologizing for one's self if we have built up a carraige of confidence by which we have made a measure of success. This is not talking of pride as a virtue in every day's interaction with other people, because that may further ruin you, but as an expression of previous accomplishments. We need not be haughty about it and we show in simple ways without bringing ourselves down that we have become who we are by the commitments and passion we've applied to various facets of human activities inclusive of our characters, family relationships, business operations or official assignments etc.

[martintillier]

04:57 PM on 07/27/2010

I agree, good post, you gained another fan for that insightful and honest appraisal.