Sometimes I feel like I'm all alone. Even though my relationship with my wife Michelle is amazing, the love I feel for and from my girls is profound, and there are so many incredible people in my life (family, friends and clients), I still find that in my darkest moments, I feel like there's no one who really gets me, knows what I'm going through, or even cares enough to truly have my back. Do you ever feel like this yourself?
I'm facing some pretty intense challenges in my life right now. Earlier this week, I was standing in the center of the circle at my men's group and allowed myself to really get vulnerable about what's been going on and the underlying pain and fear I've been feeling. As I fell to the floor and sobbed uncontrollably, I realized that two of my deepest fears have been, "I can't handle all of this myself," and, "I'm all alone."
As I allowed myself to both feel and express the intensity of these painful fears, two amazing things happened. First of all, I felt liberated, which is what almost always happens when we express ourselves vulnerably and authentically. Second of all, I felt the acceptance, support and love of the men in my group in that moment, which reminded me (both mentally and, more importantly, emotionally and experientially) that I'm not, in fact, alone, that there are so many incredible people in my life who do have my back.
We're never truly alone, even when we feel that way. Most of us have important, loving and caring people in our lives who are there to support us -- if we're willing to open up, ask for, and receive their help. And regardless of how many people are around us; what our current relationship, family or work situation may be; or any of the other external circumstances in our life; each of us has access to a higher power, whether we call it God, Spirit, Source, or anything else.
One of the deepest and most basic fears is the fear of loneliness -- no one to be with us, love us, accept us, support us and take care of us if and when we need it. Although this fear seems very real, and although there's nothing wrong with us for feeling it, the paradox is that we aren't ever really alone; we're surrounded by love and support all the time, from others and, of course, from God. The idea that we're alone is simply a "story" we tell ourselves, especially when things get difficult, scary or both.
Here are some things you can do to let go of this "story" of being alone when it shows up in your life:
1) Open Up Vulnerably.
Acknowledging, owning and sharing your deepest truth is one of the best ways to liberate yourself and connect with other people in an authentic way, thus reminding you that you're not alone. So often we think that if we really let others know how we feel, what we fear and what's truly going inside our head and our heart, they will judge us, reject us or not understand us. In most cases, the exact opposite is true.
2) Ask For Help.
As the saying goes, "The answer is always 'no' if you don't ask." When we have the courage and vulnerability to ask for the help and support we need, a few important things happen. First of all, we're liberated from the pressure of trying to take care of everything ourselves. Second of all, we give other people the opportunity to contribute to us and be of service, which most people love to do. And finally, we're able to tap into the energy, brilliance and creativity of other human beings, which is almost always helpful and is also a good reminder that we have access to a great deal of love and support.
3) Allow Yourself To Be Supported.
Being "supportable" is something many of us, myself included, struggle with. Even if we're vulnerable enough to tell the truth about how we really feel and ask for the support we truly want, it takes a certain amount of maturity, self-respect and humility to allow other people to support us. Even if it's scary and feels uncomfortable at first, practicing and expanding your capacity to receive the support of others is both generous (it allows other people to make a difference) and wise (you don't have to work so hard and struggle so much).
4) Have Faith.
Faith is the belief in things not seen or proven. At some level, our ability to grow, expand and evolve in life is directly related to our ability to live with a deep sense of faith -- in ourselves, others and a higher power. In our lowest moments, when it feels like we truly are alone and that things will never turn around, work out or go the way we want them to in life, our faith is what can pull us through. Waiting for a "guarantee" or until we think we're "ready" or "deserving" of support sets us up to fail and creates more fear and anxiety. Having faith in ourselves, others, life and God is what can remind us, in an instant, that we're not alone -- because we're not!
Mike Robbins is a sought-after motivational keynote speaker and coach and the bestselling author of "Focus on the Good Stuff" (Wiley) and "Be Yourself, Everyone Else Is Already Taken" (Wiley). For more information, visit www.Mike-Robbins.com.
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i spend time in meditation, changing my thoughts...reading hopeful stuff...try to ingest most of it and practice it...i try to inhale "god"...spirit...etc...
thank you for the courage to post your truth because it gave me comfort that i wasn't alone in sentiments you shared...
with gratitude and love....
People who treat loneliness as something to be defeated are usually preaching, and subconsciously have uncertainties regarding their faith. It provides a convenient avenue to introduce "God", for with this idea you're never alone and everything's perfect. Clever, but transparent, and ultimately self-deceiving.
I'd say loneliness is part of the fabric of reality, as are all of the other feelings you mention. I don't see this as being without empathy.
Then there's the guilt I carry, knowing I've become a financial liability to my wife. I'm not providing for her the way I intended. I've "met" numerous people online who share my circumstances, but there aren't enough "I'm there, too"s to compensate for my sense of failure.
Then came the angry conservatives, demonizing the health care legislation and government programs that have been the *only* things between me and complete destitution. It's a hell of thing, being told that I'm selfish for needing these programs, and that because of my inability to provide more for myself, that I'm personally what's wrong with America. I'm not just a failure; I'm destroying our society. I have been depressed off and on since childhood, and the visceral contempt thrown at me in the last year has been so alienating that I constantly contemplate suicide.
Want to know what loneliness is? I'll tell you. It's knowing that if you took your life today, there are people who would applaud the fact you stopped being a burden.
Incidentally, I share these personal thoughts and experiences online in the vain hope that maybe, just maybe, someone will come across them and begin to realize that the programs they resent and seek to dismantle really do serve an important purpose. I'm hopeful that maybe someone else going through something similar to me might find some solace of some kind in what I share. Truthfully, though, I feel consigned to knowing it's inevitable that I'll one day succumb to the pain (physical or emotional) and end it all. I don't know that there's much a psychiatrist can do about all that.
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Suppose we, and others, and God are really one thing, outside of which nothing exists? Wouldn't that be the ultimate aloneness?
yet sometimes one can be both
i think of alone vs lonely as a dicho.
alone and lonely are very complex yet simple words.
I feel alone quite often. I accept it for the most part. It is the result of a series of long thought out choices.
I don't know anyone who speaks English here. I know a few who like to practice and attempt to learn; including Ming Ming (six) who worked on the work zebra today.
I've been in those men's groups; and mixed groups that personified support. Moving to Thailand involved some trade offs. I surrendered a lot of chronic stress and gave up physical participation in my support network.
You know, but here I am. I am doing what your article suggests. I am doing what I can.
I brought WiFi to the village, started a blog and bleed into it on a regular basis. I think some people read it.
Want to know what happened today?
I told my wife and her twenty year old daughter I no longer had enough savings to pay for the college tuition. Twelve hundred dollars a year. Not a happy a day here. I'm cranky and Ponra looks at me like I'm dead.
Yeh! I could use some support. I guess I'll go meditate.
(That was it I was finished.) Ming Ming just came back up with an envelope for Tamboon.