Due to circumstances beyond my couldn't control, I missed the press screening for the new Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger movie, Escape Plan (A.K.A. "Help, I'm in prison and I don't want to be here.") Instead, on a rainy New York City Thursday night, I found myself purchasing a ticket for a 10:00 p.m. showing on Manhattan's Upper East Side.
Instead of crafting my own escape plan (I promise I won't make that kind of "escape plan" reference again ... I swear) during the public showing, I kept a live blog of the proceedings. Here's what happened:
9:53 p.m.: There are seven other people here who thought it was a good idea to see Escape Plan tonight.
10:05 p.m.: A pre-movie notice tells us to "report any suspicious characters." Which, right now, appears to be me because I'm the only one taking notes at a Sylvester Stallone movie.
10:12 p.m.: Escape Plan starts with Sylvester Stallone burning a piece of paper in his cell. I can only assume this was either the escape plan or it was the script for The Expendables 3.
10:14 p.m.: Stallone is in a prison yard fight. Every time he lands a punch it sounds like an explosion.
10:17 p.m.: One of the guards at this prison is nicknamed "Fruitcake."
10:19 p.m.: There was just an actual explosion in this movie and it wasn't as loud as a Stallone punch.
10:21 p.m.: It turns out that Stallone wasn't in prison after all. Stallone is a hired contractor named Ray Breslin whose job is to break out of prisons for a living.
10:21 p.m.: What does one major in while in college to wind up in this line of work?
10:21 p.m.: I'm going to assume Ray Breslin majored in English or Journalism.
10:25 p.m.: Ray Breslin just referred to someone as a "Bozo." I feel this is a word that is underused as an insult. Perhaps the seven other people in this theater will be influenced to use the word "Bozo" more often in a derogatory way. We can only hope.
10:27 p.m.: Ray Breslin is considered an "artist."
10:27 p.m.: I can't refer to Stallone as "Ray Breslin" any longer. From now on he's "Stallone."
10:30 p.m.: Stallone accepts an assignment from a black ops-type government organization who will take him to a prison at an unidentified location. Stallone's being offered double his normal rate. I'm sure nothing will go wrong.
10:36 p.m.: Stallone wakes up in a transparent box that, honestly, doesn't seem too bad. It's about the same size as my first apartment in New York City.
10:40 p.m.: All of the guards at this prison wear masks and are dressed like they were extras in Janet Jackson's "Rhythm Nation" video.
10:41 p.m.: I am convinced this prison is in Rhythm Nation.
10:43 p.m.: Arnold Schwarzenegger makes his first appearance.
10:44 p.m.: In the first conversation between Stallone and Schwarzenegger, they certainly appeared to be talking to each other and they were both speaking English, but the sentences they are saying make no sense in context to what the other person just said.
10:48 p.m.: The warden of this prison collects dead butterflies. If I've learned one thing in life, it's that people who collect dead butterflies usually don't wind up being nice.
10:55 p.m.: This warden is a Bozo.
11:01 p.m.: Sam Neill seems nice. (He's in this movie, too.)
11:02 p.m.: I think I'm starting to enjoy this movie.
11:05 p.m.: Arnold Schwarzenegger is acting like I've never seen him act before. I have no idea what's going on here. I think he's trying to give an actual performance.
11:10 p.m.: Stallone finds out where the prison is located. It is not Rhythm Nation.
11:13 p.m.: Honestly, there are a lot of scenes of Stallone and Schwarzenegger just sitting at a table and talking.
11:14 p.m.: The title of this movie should have been We Are Going To Talk It Over For A Long Time Before We Develop Our Escape Plan.
11:17 p.m.: A lot of the good fortune that finds Stallone and Schwarzenegger in this movie has to do with their luck when it comes to, "Oh, I'm going to fall to the ground and while you're not looking I'm going to shove an item that I will need later into my pants."
11:20 p.m.: Honestly, I thought this movie would be more fun.
11:27 p.m.:Oh, it's just Stallone and Schwarzenegger talking again.
11:33 p.m.: I am convinced that Sam Neill thinks he's in a different movie than the one I'm watching.
11:42 p.m.: Stallone and Schwarzenegger have finally come up with their escape plan. I hope they take me with them.
11:45 p.m.: If a prison wanted to make hard time seem seem even longer than it is, prisoners should be forced to watch Escape Plan.
11:50 p.m.: A dramatic scene just occurred that would have been ripe for a Stallone catchphrase of some kind, but Stallone looked at the camera with a "why bother?" look on his face and sulked away.
11:52 p.m.: The title of this movie should be Escape Plan, As Long As Everyone Shooting At Us Happens To Have Terrible Aim.
11:55 p.m.: No one says the word "asshole" quite like Arnold Schwarzenegger.
11:58 p.m.: And Escape Plan ends, finally, on the lost art of the freeze frame.
11:59 p.m.: Honestly, Escape Plan isn't terrible, but it's just kind of dull and boring. Which, honestly, I didn't think would be possible from this movie. I fear someone deserves to be called a Bozo over this ...
Mike Ryan is senior writer for Huffington Post Entertainment. You can contact him directly on Twitter.