This morning, it was suggested that I "write something about The Avengers." Here's the problem: I have nothing left to say about The Avengers because everything that could possibly be said about The Avengers has been said. Most people like The Avengers. Some people didn't like The Avengers. Alas, that's the way our planet works.
But! I'm not one to defy a direct order, so, if I have to -- again -- write about The Avengers, how about a fake interview with one of those evil Chitauri characters who attack New York City? I mean, what's up with those guys anyway right?
(Also, you're welcome, nobody.)
It's nice to meet you, Chitauri Warrior.
Thanks for having me.
Should I just refer to you as "Chitauri #14," as you appear in the credits?
That title is actually a sore subject, if I can be honest. I was promised that I'd be credited as "Chitauri #9," but, obviously, that didn't happen. But, Steve is fine.
Steve seems like a very Earth centric name. Is that short for anything that is harder to pronounce?
Yes. My given name is Steven. Which is much more difficult to pronounce with two syllables and all, so I go by Steve.
As a viewer, your dialogue had to be interpreted using subtitles. What language were you speaking?
Oh, I'm not sure that I'm supposed to admit this, but that was all nonsense. You know, to make us seem more imposing. In reality, all Chitauri speak perfect Portuguese.
So, I have to ask, why did you want to attack Earth?
Well, look, they don't really consult with me about these types of decisions -- that's way above my pay grade. But I heard a lot of rumblings about people kneeling and "moving along the plot." I dunno, in hindsight, the reasons do seem pretty flimsy. I can admit that, now.
How were you approached?
It's funny, I really had no aspirations to be an invading alien. My friend, Mitch, was the one who really wanted the gig. I know this is cliché, but all I did was drive Mitch to his audition. Sure enough, while waiting for Mitch, I was approached. And the next thing I know, I'm riding a flying scooter bike over Manhattan.
When you were attacking Manhattan, were you given any specific instructions?
Yes. My direct orders were to, "fly aimlessly."
If you had won, what were you most looking forward to about ruling Earth?
Finally seeing the second season of The Sinbad Show. My people just love Sinbad.
Oh, I'm sorry, Chitauri Warrior, but The Sinbad Show was canceled after the first season. Like, 18 years ago.
Merda! Estúpido Paz na terra!
Did you get to meet Hulk?
Yes, unfortunately. That scene of him smashing a Chitauri in the face...
Oh, was that you?
No, that was Mitch. I know you people here loved seeing that, but Mitch was a living creature, too. He had a cat. He loved Sinbad, obviously. God, you should have seen his face the day that Jingle All The Way was released. I told him he wouldn't need to camp out for tickets, but he wouldn't listen. That was just Mitch. He'd get an idea in his head and there was just no stopping him. Well, except Hulk. Hulk found a way to stop Mitch.
Did you ever meet Thanos?
Yeah, but someone had to fill me in later who he was. Now I just pretend like I knew all along. He seems nice.
What's next for you, Chitauri Warrior?
First, I just want to iterate how thrilled I am just be in part of this whole thing in the first place. As for the future? Look, it's Marvel, you just never know. I'm certainly not saying that I'll have a role in The Avengers 2, but I'm certainly not ruling it out, either. Let's just say, "We're talking." And it goes without saying that I'd love to work with Sinbad. Do you know him?
Mike Ryan is senior entertainment writer for The Huffington Post. He has written for Wired Magazine, VanityFair.com and GQ.com. He is also off on Wednesday, so he will not have to answer for this post. You can contact Mike Ryan directly on Twitter.