As the doldrums (doldrums!) of August push ever onward, ever forward -- what are we in, the 70th day of this month now? -- it becomes more and more of a struggle to find something interesting to say about the movies. "Why don't you write something about The Avengers 2?," someone suggested. Trouble is, we don't know much about The Avengers 2, apart from who's directing it and when it's coming out. So! Since I'm supposed to write about The Avengers 2 -- even though I have nothing to say about The Avengers 2 -- maybe this is a good time to check in with our old friend, Chitauri Warrior.
(Also, you're welcome, nobody.)
Nice to talk to you again, Chitauri Warrior.
Thanks for having me back.
Have you been having a good summer?
Boy, it's been a hot one, hasn't it?
It has. Were you happy with the response to The Avengers?
I have to admit, the beginning of the summer was extremely exciting with The Avengers and all. For a while, I couldn't even walk down the street without people staring at me. Though, I'm not sure if that had more to do with people recognizing me or the fact that I'm a grotesque-looking alien. Semantics, I suppose.
Oh, so you moved to Earth?
Yes, back in June. I found a nice one-bedroom in Nolita.
How have your Chitauri Warrior friends reacted to that? Have you been accused of selling out? The old "He's gone Earth" complaint?
Look, I'll always be the same "Steve the Chitauri Warrior" I've always been. None of my success has gone to my head. The other night, I was at David Faustino's house and he said to me, "Steve, buddy, don't ever change. As long as you remain who you are, success will come."
Have you been getting many offers?
Nothing concrete yet. I did some consulting work on Battleship and The Watch -- you know, about destined-to-fail alien-invasion strategies. I had an audition for Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters, but that didn't pan out. Also, I was convinced that I had booked a guest spot on Mad About You, but then I discovered that Mad About You hadn't been on the air since 1999. That turned out to be one of David Faustino's practical jokes. He's a great guy.
Will you be in The Avengers 2?
I'd like to be. I wrote a spec for Joss titled The Avengers 2: The Rise of Steve the Chitauri Warrior. He hasn't returned my calls yet, but my penises are crossed.
I don't know what that means.
It's a Chitauri figure of speech.
What is the plot of The Avengers 2: The Rise of Steve the Chitauri Warrior?
Well, I don't want to give too much away, but, after a series of events, I become the leader of The Avengers. And it has some minor casting changes: Sinbad will now play the role of Tony Stark. I cannot tell you how popular Sinbad is among Chitauri audiences -- it's a dream of mine to work with him someday. David Faustino has promised me that he will introduce us.
How is the Chitauri Warrior who was punched by Hulk? Has he fully recovered?
Yeah, that was Mitch. It's going to be a long road, but we're hopeful. He's on his third round of facial-reconstruction surgery. True story: I visited him yesterday and, while watching season 3 of A Different World, I saw him smile. I think he's going to be just fine.
What movies have you enjoyed this summer?
Well, I really enjoyed Dark Shadows and Total Recall. I hesitate to even refer to them as "movies," I prefer to think of them as "art." Also, Chimpanzee was excellent.
Well, it was great catching up with you, Chitauri warrior. I hope I never have to talk to you again.
Thanks for having me. Also, death to Earth.
Mike Ryan is senior entertainment writer for The Huffington Post. He's wishes Steve the Chitauri Warrior the best. You can contact Mike Ryan directly on Twitter.