On Friday, after a three-year delay, Drew Goddard and Joss Whedon's The Cabin in the Woods finally arrives in theaters. The problem with trying to discuss The Cabin in the Woods is that even the slightest bit of information could ruin your viewing experience of a film that should really be seen knowing as little as humanly possible. It's gotten to the point where some serious mudslinging has been directed at those who dare spoil even the most minuscule of Cabin details. So, as a service, we don't answer any question that you could possibly have about The Cabin in the Woods.
Q: Is it true that there are some crazy plot twists in The Cabin in the Woods?
A: The less you know about plot twists, the more you'll enjoy your spoiler-free experience. So, of course, I cannot confirm or deny plot twists.
Q: Isn't it common knowledge at this point that there's some sort of twist in The Cabin in the Woods?
A: Not only can I not discuss plot twits in the movie that you reference, I cannot discuss plot twists in any movie or even acknowledge the concept of plot twists.
Q: Wait, what? What about The Sixth Sense or The Usual Suspects? You can't acknowledge that either of those movies included a plot twist?
A: As far as I can remember, The Sixth Sense and The Usual Suspects had very straightforward, predictable endings.
Q: Then what can you tell me about The Cabin in the Woods?
A: The Cabin in the Woods? Never heard of it.
Q: Wait, are you not even allowed to acknowledge the film's existence?
A: Well, I don't want to risk ruining your spoiler-free enjoyment of the film. The slightest detail, which includes the knowledge of the film's existence, could completely ruin the experience of movie -- which may or may not exist.
Q: If I don't know The Cabin in the Woods exists, how am I supposed to make plans to see it?
A: Not knowing is part of the spoiler-free fun.
Q: Are you taking this to an unreasonable extreme?
Q: Can you at least tell me about Chris Hemsworth's performance? I've heard that this was filmed before Thor.
A: I really can't talk about Chris Hemsworth.
Q: You can't even acknowledge if he gives a good performance or not in Cabin in the Woods?
A: No, I can't acknowledge that he exists as a human being. That would be a spoiler.
Q: What? He definitely exists as a human being. I mean, he's in The Avengers!
A: The Avengers? I don't know what that is.
Q: How is that possible? Your website runs a new clip of that movie every day. Every single day.
A: When you see The Cabin in the Woods (if it exists), not knowing about the existence of The Avengers can only enhance your spoiler-free enjoyment.
Q: Assuming The Cabin in the Woods exists, will I find it frightening?
A: I cannot confirm or deny that the emotion of fright exists.
Q: How does that even make sense?
A: Should you happen to feel fright -- which you certainly will -- not knowing if the emotion of fright exists will make or break your spoiler-free experience of Cabin in the Woods. If it exists, that is.
Q: Is there any other knowledge I shouldn't know?
A: Actually, the less you know about knowledge in general, the better.
Q: The actual concept of learning?
A: Look, I don't make the rules around here. All I'm saying is that the less you know about knowing, the more you'll enjoy the spoiler-free surprises in The Cabin in the Woods.
Q: Are you currently high?
A: I feel that a combination of a Quaalude, the stick of gum from a pack of '85 Topps Baseball Cards and a Capri-Sun will totally enhance your spoiler-free experience of watching Cabin in the Woods.
Q: When I open that pack of '85 Topps Baseball Cards, should I still get excited if I see the Olympic team Mark McGwire card?
Q: In history, who is the bigger spoiler: Rex Reed for spoiling The Cabin in the Woods or Ralph Nader for spoiling the 2000 election?
A: Ralph Nader. At least Rex Reed was in Superman.
Q: OK, there has to be a few concessions for at least some form of spoilers.
Q: What if a moviegoer happens to drive a car that has a mounted spoiler?
A: That moviegoer should have thought about the consequences of his or her future enjoyment of watching Cabin in the Woods before he or she foolishly purchased a car with a mounted spoiler.
Q: Currently, there's a banana in my apartment that seems to be spoiling. Can I see The Cabin in the Woods?
Q: I'm an only child and, when I was younger, I received a lot of gifts around Christmas. Can I see The Cabin in the Woods??
A: In this case, you were spoiled as a child, which, unfortunately, does prevent you from seeing The Cabin in the Woods.
Q: Can The Cabin in the Woods ever be watched on a flight?
A: No, because commercial airliners use spoilers to reduce lift.
Q: Is The Cabin in the Woods your favorite movie, so far, in 2012?
A: (Spoiler Alert) Yes.
Q: What are the chances that you get fired for submitting this after your instructions were to write a "spoiler-free review" of The Cabin in the Woods?
A: A 30 percent chance.
Mike Ryan is senior entertainment writer for The Huffington Post. He has written for Wired Magazine, VanityFair.com and GQ.com. He likes Star Wars a lot. You can contact Mike Ryan directly on Twitter
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