Have the Last Laugh as You're Kicked to the Curb, America

Top things to say to the mortgage company when you can't make payments anymore:

10. "I've invested what's left of my money in a year's worth of Ramen."

9. "The reason I'm leaving the huge shit smear in the bathroom is because I swear you can see the face of Jesus in it."

8. "Mind your step, I'm leaving behind my two hundred pet cobras."

7. "In the spirit of Huffington Post's trendsetting something-for-nothing business plan, I'm willing to live in the house... for free!"

6. "Since my kids drew priceless crayon sketches on them, I'm taking the walls with me."

5. "I urge you to leave the kitchen untouched as an endangered rodent preserve."

4. "I hope for the sake of historical posterity that you'll maintain the shallow graves in the crawl space."

3. "Enjoy the black mold, bitches!"

2. "I sublet the place to mobsters who hate mortgage companies muscling in on their loan sharking."

1. "Don't bust down the door or you'll disturb the vat of nitroglycerin."