More Women Not Seeking Marriage

A Newsweek article this week (dated Nov. 5) reinvigorates the ongoing debate about whether it is good or bad that more single women are purposely replacing Mr. Right with a turkey baster in order to "knock themselves up."

The typical, and legitimate debate concerns whether children grow up happy and well-adjusted in this kind of environment. Some say yes, with their own experiences as kids raised by a single parent as example. Some say no, generally bringing up statistics or anecdotes about kids who were raised by single parents who didn't want the challenge (teenagers, abandoned or neglectful mothers).

Invariably what happens in many of these debates -- and I've seen several of them online in the past year -- is that women are derided by strangers as self-centered mothers who have impossibly high standards, or absent ones, in looking for Mr. Right. Many of them, interestingly, believe these women couldn't possibly have the best interests of their children at heart if they purposely set about to bring them into the world. (And most forget to acknowledge that roughly 10,000 single parents adopt in the U.S. each year.)

It's indicative of the infamous double standard to think that all women -- increasingly well-educated, well-paid, well-balanced, well-connected -- can be paired with a man who is good marriage and fatherhood material. That women who want to work AND raise a family can find men equally committed to the same. That a woman who is with a man who doesn't want to have kids, or play a role in raising them, should be faulted for not picking a better man in the first place.

But to put it bluntly, there are far more women who are committed to parenting than there are men truly able and willing to do the same. I've heard from many women who have the difficult decision of whether to leave a partner who doesn't want to have children. Or women who had a child with someone who didn't want to parent, and are then deciding to add a sibling to their single-parent family.

When Rachel Sarah wrote on the Washington Post blog (July 2006) about attempting to date as a single mother, she was blasted by those who labeled her an unfit mother. When Louise Sloan was interviewed recently on Salon for choosing to become a single mother, posts flew back deriding her choice as a "rich woman's" selfish decision that inflicts pain and suffering on her child.

As the author of a book called Choosing Single Motherhood: The Thinking Woman's Guide, and moderator of a website of resources for this community that averages 1,500 visitors each month, I have spent a fair amount of time defending, supporting and helping to educate women who make this choice.

One of the questions I am commonly asked by those who are not yet familiar with the Choice Mom community is whether we're made up of women who find men irrelevant.

This is typically something I disagree with. But lately I'm rethinking that position. In a way.

In the nuanced world, women can hold two seemingly opposite views at the same time: 1) Men are important and often great role models for our kids, and fun, affectionate partners; and 2) That doesn't mean that marriage is the right answer for many.

A recent thread on my Choice Mom discussion board (600 members) was started from a woman who had suffered through many abusive relationships and had then made the decision to forego a partner in order to fulfill her dream of having a child.

In the outside world, she might well have been beaten up again for making "bad choices" in men -- with no regard for the fact that it was the men in her life who had been making the bad choices.

But on the discussion board, a wonderful thing happened. Women offered support and insight instead of derision and ridicule. Some messages urged counseling so that she could bring her future children into a world that did not feel threatened by men. Other women told their stories of how they felt weakened in relationships with particular men but had risen past that to build a happy family life, complete with male and female role models.

And then conversation started with some of the younger women on the board. I'd always been surprised to find so many women coming to the website and board who were in their 20s and early 30s, rather than those many women after the age of 35 who realize it's "now or never."

I started listening to women of the "new generation" who were describing a societal shift. One that did not dismiss men in general, but did not feel that they added to their lives in ways meaningful enough to sustain a long-term relationship. Many of these women (not all) were talking about needing a partner who would always be there for their child, in all ways, and deciding that they were too few and far between. Lesbians and heterosexuals alike were reporting their own views that parenting was simply too important to trust to everyone.

As Fiona, a 32-year-old woman (who gave me permission to reprint her comments) wrote:

"I currently have four friends around me who are also pursuing single motherhood by choice, all around my age. I didn't meet them through a single mother group. It just happens that we're all friends. I can't help but think we're experiencing a societal shift. These are extremely well educated and intelligent women who have not been able to find men who respect them or who are willing to share the load of a partnership. They are frustrated by the men they meet, even men with the same qualifications, who still expect that their wives will do most of the work. We haven't all spent 10-12 years in school to pick up after a man! Single motherhood is for most of us the ONLY decision. We haven't got here out of despair. It actually feels like the logical first choice. Put simply, men have not kept pace with women's societal progression and until they catch up they may be perceived as a burden to women who want a relationship based on equality and mutual respect."

Her views were echoed in an article I was recently asked to write about "how to raise sons to value women."

I interviewed a roundtable of mothers with young sons, most of them married. And it was a quite strong note that even those I had assembled who identified themselves as feminists (which we ultimately defined as simply valuing women as much as men) were surprised, and frustrated, to find themselves shouldering the bulk of household chores in a traditional way with their partners.

Most of their partners were strongly involved in the kids' lives, more so than many husbands. Many of them are close friends of mine, whose husbands I respect for being egalitarian and involved in many ways. Yet when it came to division of labor, many of the moms were concerned that they were modeling old traditions to their kids.

One woman I interviewed, whose 12-year-old son is highly aware of gender bias (he complained to the director that a line he had to say for a school play was sexist), indicated that despite all her efforts, she simply seems to care and notice housework chores more than her husband or son. Another engages her 3-year-old in "making breakfast" with his fake kitchen in the morning, which he enjoys, but realizes that her activist partner of 26 years continues to expect her to take care of house and cooking and this is something she's trying to correct before her son thinks it's the way things are.

Household chores are not the strongest measuring stick of our new values, but seems to be an indicative dividing line between men and women.

The end view of a growing number of women, it seems, is that if a man is unable to share the workload at home as well as in the office, what's the point? Why teach our sons and daughters that women are primarily here to serve?

Another post on my board put it this way: "For my mother's generation, partners were necessary. Then they were preferred. Now they're optional."

I don't personally think men are irrelevant (I've married two of the good ones). Nor do many Choice Moms I know. But a growing number of women do have changing views of how they should relate to each other in the home, and hope men will start to catch up to them on that view so that we can start re-coupling again.

Mikki Morrissette is moderator of two websites for the Choice Mom community, at ChoosingSingleMotherhood.com, and the new ChoiceMoms.org.

Comments

[hippymichele]

I realize that this group is mainly discussing the choice ahead of time to become a single mother, but as a divorced mother (now re-married) of 2 younger boys I think that it can be a very wise choice for many women. I was married at 19 and pregnant at 20. I did what was generally expected of girls my age in the early 90's. Problem is the now ex was and still is a child himself. So I too faced the question of which is better, single parenthood or having my children grow up with the ultimate bad example. My end conclusion was simple after thinking about it. Though it was tiring and difficult, I wanted my boys to have a chance to break the cycle. My only job as a parent is to raise a human being that can function in society with hopefully a more enlightened view than even my generation had. How can women be expected to accomplish that when we are judged poorly for being selfless enough to make these decisions.
As I mentioned, I did re-marry. Some of you may point this out and AHA! Problem is, my marriage was probably one of the most selfish things I've done. He too, participates very minimally with the boys. On the other hand, I've found friends in my life that have contributed very positively in their lives.
So I guess I'm saying to lay off these women. Instead of shaking a finger, give them an ovation. Or better yet, give them a hand. It may not always require a village to raise a child, but the village can have just as much if not more sometimes to offer as a "marriage for the kids".

[iupty]

Personally, I find this a really sad post. Of course if a woman wants to have a baby by herself that's her business. But this idea of the expendable man is quite telling of the state of our society.
Since when is anyone expendable? The answer should move beyond the physical, but into the spiritual and emotional as well. I was raised by two parents where the gender roles were shared, and I went to an all-girl progressive school where the students are trained to become the next heads of state. Now I and many of my friends are in seemingly "traditional" relationships. Simply put, feminism is tiring. Yes, we all want to be able to follow our passions both outside and inside the home without judgement. But we all need a ying to our yangs. No one can do everything alone, and it's foolish to think you can.
Children and marriage are hard work. Welcome to life. If you stay humble enough, there's a great beauty behind all of that. It seems that some of the women (and their former men) involved in the creation of these situations are living and asking themselves superficial questions.

[cylindar]

I found your mention of chores interesting. My wife does the laundry and cleans the toilet bowl. I fix the roof repair the plumbing and what have you. She dose not want to do the chores I do and I do not want to do the chores she does. It works out fine and is a good division of labor. As far as the general parenting situation, I think you will find that less women are prone to wanting to have children nowadays as it is a financial burden and almost impossible to send your kid to college in this world. So whats the problem, those women who want kids whould go ahead and do so turkey baster and all. I just hope they are ready for what comes after the baster bit.I have talked to a lot of moim's who have said if they had to do it over again --they would not have kids. I think your question should have not been are men necessary but "Are kids necessary"????

[MichaelL]

I was raised by a single mom. I am well adjusted. I take care of my kids and my wife (not that I want an award, its just background). I also know that the following statement gives me hypertension.
"Put simply, men have not kept pace with women's societal progression and until they catch up they may be perceived as a burden to women who want a relationship based on equality and mutual respect."
Could it be possible that the feminist movement has so confused the modern man's role that there are 300 million definitions of a man in the US alone? I believe this statement blaming men as the slow, dumb, not quite evolved one is letting the feminists off easy.
I am a Christian, so be sure to bring your contempt for that too. I see men all around me who a wimps. They have been feminized. But the alternative is a man who will stand up and defend his family in times of threats. If you want a man to be a pushover, don't expect him to fight for you. If you want him to fight for you, don't expect him to be a pushover.
I will assert my faith here. Wives should submit to their husbands. That is their duty. HOWEVER, men have a duty to be worthy of that submission. I agree most men fall short. But I think that is due to feminism, not to man's inability to progress into your individual definition of a partnership worthy man.

[OtayPanky]

As a single Dad, I say: Let's Play Gender-Swap!

Here we go:

===

In the nuanced world, MEN can hold two seemingly opposite views at the same time: 1) WOMEN are important and often great role models for our kids, and fun, affectionate partners; and 2) That doesn't mean that marriage is the right answer for many.

===

So...I guess both men and women who are in a family-seeking sort of mindset can find those queasy, quasi, better than a babysitter friend/lover with benefits - take some time to find 'em, fuck 'em and forget 'em - and then do it all over again.

Sounds like a plan...sor­t of.

OTAY!

[ORSunshine]

My concern about the decision to have a child through completely artificial means, (with or without a partner in the picture) really has nothing to do with this... but it's where my "judgement" of this trend comes down: What about all the unwanted children in this world who need good homes? Why bring more life into this world so that you may 'experience the birthing process' or, maybe more accurately, spawn your own genetic offspring? Is that not a selfish choice?
As for not finding "the right man," I also have some observations from watching my friends and my own personal experiences. My friends are too picky -- they think that guys should fit every one of their desires in a mate, rather than finding someone who doesn't fit all their criteria as being worth a shot. Let's be honest here, which one of us is a perfect woman? I'm sure that the male fantasy of the perfect woman is something similar to the Man-Show's trampoline girls, but guys settle on ordinary intelligent women all of the time.

[overdown]

I am a male senior citizen and I think most men are very poor marriage material. And keep in mind that 50% or so marriages end in divorce and many of the rest are unhappy, so a happy single parent household is not such a bad situation for a wanted child. I absolutely applaud the guts and determination of single moms and think they are wise not to get entangled with loser dads. Unfortunately, I hazard a guess only about 30-40% of men make the cut.

[KatWilder]

Despite all the good intentions of a single woman bringing a baby into the world on her own, I strongly believe (and I am now a divorced mom of a teen) that a partnership is very important (and I'm not saying man and woman, either). A father is not optional!

But my biggest problem with this posting are these comments:
"I've heard from many women who have the difficult decision of whether to leave a partner who doesn't want to have children. Or women who had a child with someone who didn't want to parent, and are then deciding to add a sibling to their single-parent family."

The decision to have children or not should be discussed and agreed upon BEFORE there's a partnership, not after! This, to me, is a no-brainer. If you're not in agreement about this, he's not your man!

Household chores go beyond just cooking, cleaning and laundry. They involve yard work, taking care of the car, paying the bills -- what many consider "men's work." Are women considering that? I know I often didn't and now that I do it all, I get it

[ChucklingRepublican]

Fact: children are more socially adjusted and tend to be more economically successful when they have both parents around and involved in their life.

Single parenthood is not as good for the kid; but one loving parent is a good start. Good luck on raising your brood (and I really mean that).