THE BLOG
12/05/2008 03:52 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

The Last Year in Which Air Will Be Available

You may have missed your chance to see the fabled snows of Kilimanjaro, or any anonymous snows for that matter, but there are plenty of natural wonders yet to shift loose this mortal planet forever, and you'll want to experience them before the big switch to OxySim™ breathpaks makes traveling from Point A to Point B all but impossible. Our travel agents at Now-Or-Never Ltd. are standing by to book your eco-tourism package today!

Scandinavia's Last Everbrown Spruce

Standing between two of balmy Norway's trademark tributaries is a marvel of sheer stubbornness: At a stunning 108 centimeters in height, the mighty Everbrown Spruce draws countless skeptical botany historians each year and, as the name suggests, remains a lush tan color even through punishing sub-70º winters. Don't dawdle, though--experts have confirmed that the tree's been dead for some time, preserved by oils released into the air when locals began processing fish for jet ski fuel, and the country's Telekom Party has accordingly argued it's time the national treasure was turned into paper for a smartphone contract.

Semi-Darkness in the Carlsbad Caverns

When New Mexico passed legislation to have the nation's Lava Lamp surplus dumped in these magnificent natural landfill caves, no one could have guessed that radioactive mineral content would continue to power the kitschy fixtures, casting a groovy neon pall over the tons of garbage already interred in its murky depths. Thanks to intensified light pollution from the botched Enhancing Our Stars campaign, this psychedelic hippie-hole is no longer just the most fetid place on earth--it's also the darkest. Enter, and you won't be able to see your hand in front of your face. That's because it takes your eyes three whole milliseconds to adjust to such extreme ambiance!

Pinching Barrier Reef

Often termed "The Coral that Launched a Million Charter Yachts," this undersea kingdom off the coast of Australia--the only saltwater clime to evolve a defense against scuba-diving sightseers--is a treat for masochists and the not easily offended alike. The beautifully bleached biomass boasts scores of presumptuous polyps, saucy starfish, and manhandling mollusks, all unaware that their home has gone from well-kept secret to honeymoon hotspot. To them, it's a struggle for life. For you, it's just naughty interspecies foreplay! Fair warning: not for the faint of nipple.

DeafAlex.com, The Only Parrot That Knows No Words

Ornithologists were shocked to find how quickly their captive parrots' natural vocabularies were replaced with human obscenities as wild species of the bird went extinct. Fortunately, a Brooklyn microbrewery sponsored a Bronx Zoo effort to preserve one of the extraordinary animal's natural innocence. DeafAlex.com, whose smiling image adorns the bottles of premium pilsner that share his name, wears custom sound-canceling earplugs at all times, so cuss away, because this feathered friend is nigh incorruptible. Of course, since DeafAlex.com can't hear himself, his bird calls sound nothing like his ancestors', but they're guaranteed to be G-rated!

A-maize-ing Genetically Engineered Corn

Yes, believe it or not, there was a time when farmers retained control over the genomes of various staple crops. Why not take a family flight over the last traces of pure, officially licensed Manitoban Ethanol.Red-E/DNA1127 in a bankrupt rapper's repossessed helicopter (1 passenger max.)? Seeing all that starch will make you wonder why and how you're living without it! Fall stalk-ers may even catch a glimpse of rogue Monsanto nanobot flocks making their north by northeast migration for Fiscal New Year. With the accidental hybridization of acid-resistant and self-popping strains of corn, these fields will soon succumb to an unstoppable mutant onslaught, which ought to offer some maize-merizing views in its own right. Maize!

The Ghost Sea

A must for the paranormal enthusiast: Legend has it that a mystical body of water once sat here, just west of the Hashemite Dunkdom of Air Jordan and a short drive from Promised Land's pulse-pounding propaganda rides. But some say the sea's spirit hasn't quite evaporated, and lingers to this day in the desert. Visitors who have recently shaved report a macabre, tingling irritation at the site; others feel the spectral presence of sunburnt Germans coated in therapeutic mud. And true believers swear that if you look across the salt pit, an overpriced spa emerges from the shimmering haze. Lucky for you, that potash refinery on the shore is no mirage: tours available Sunday through Friday!

New Jersey

What do you get when over-calcified drinking water provokes a statewide shutdown of pineal glands? A whole mess of sleep disorders! New Jerseyans' drastically tweaked circadian rhythms are a wonder to see in action--and have made the region a true adventurer's lawless funhouse. From the Turnpike's narcolepsy-induced hundred-car pileups to a Red Lobster in Newark nightly overrun by sleepwalking paintballers, the country's most ridiculed state is getting weirder and wilder by the minute. Best of all, an insomnia-crazed Springsteen tribute band has been playing The Meadowlands nonstop for months.