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Miles Mogulescu Headshot

Red States Want to Secede? Go Ahead. Make Our Day.

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(A poll from Public Policy Polling reports that 25 percent of Republicans would like their state to secede from the Union. Nearly 1 million Americans have signed petitions calling for secession including over 100,000 in Texas and over 50,000 in Georgia. So, cribbing from a viral email that's been making its way around the internet in the spirit of fair use and adding my own evil satiric thoughts, here's a response.)

So some of you patriotic Americans in Red States are so mad that a Kenyan, Muslim, socialist black man got elected President of the USA for a second time that you want to demonstrate your patriotism by seceding from the United States of American? Go ahead. Make our day.

But be careful what you wish for. Here's how it could go down, and it might be so pretty for you after all is said and done.

We would get the West Coast, all of the Northeast and the upper Midwest.

You would get Texas, Oklahoma and all the former slave states.

We would keep Hawaii too, the foreign country with warm water and beautiful beaches where Barack Hussein Obama was born without a birth certificate.

You can have Alaska and stare at Russia from your front porches.

To be fair, we may have to split up some states.

You get North Florida. We get South Florida. After all, what would you want with all those gay people in South Beach and old Jews in Miami?

We get North Virginia. You get South Virginia. To be fair, we'll let you keep the University of Virginia. Go Cavaliers! Plus you need at least one place to educate some leaders who believe in science.

But Austin, Atlanta and New Orleans get to be their own Blue city/states, sort of like West Berlin before the Wall came down. We'll even pay to move the capital of Texas from Austin to W's hometown of Midland, where as one native recently put it, "There used to be one Democrat in town, but I think she died".

We might even merge with Canada. That way we get single-payer healthcare, solvent banks, the Royal Canadian Mounties, and Ryan Gosling (eat your hearts our Red-nation women).

To sum up briefly:

We get Bruce Springsteen, Jay Z and Beyonce. You get Ted Nugent and Meatloaf.

Plus Willie Nelson gets to park his bus anywhere he likes in the Blue America.

We get Elizabeth Warren. You get Todd Aiken. (Hey, we'll even keep Chris Christie. He's too large to move, anyway.)

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand.

We get the New York Philharmonic. You get the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

We get Oprah. You get Paula Deen.

And Blue America will have an easy repatriation policy for the ancestors of slaves still stuck in the former Confederate states, as well as a path to citizenship for undocumented workers and their children from both Red and Blue America who have worked hard/studied hard and put down roots. We'll even have a 21st century version of "40 acres and a mule" with education, job training and work at a fair wage for those who need it. (But here's a warning: good luck getting your crops picked, your kids asses wiped, and your pools cleaned without a bunch of low-paid undocumented workers.)

Any Red-nation NBA team that wants to gets to move to a Blue state city without its own team. Hey, how about them World Champion Pittsburgh Thunder?

And the New York Jets will send you back Tim Tebow for a player to be named later.

We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs.

You get backwoods crystal meth labs.

We get Intel, Microsoft and Apple. You get WorldCom.

We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.

We get two-thirds of the tax revenue. You get to pay your fair share for once.

Speaking of all those federal taxes you love to hate. Most of it comes from us and goes to you. So stop talking nonsense about how "It's our money, not the government's money". Of the 19 states that send more money to Washington than they get back in benefits, 14 are Blue. And of 31 states that get more money back from the Feds than they pay in taxes, 23 are Red. It's not your money. It's our f**cking money. So from here on out, you can pay for your own damn roads and bridges.

Which state do you think has the lowest divorce rate? It's Taxachusetts, the first state to recognize gay marriage. Think that's some aberration? How about this? 9 of the 10 lowest divorce rates are in the Blue states. And where are the highest divorce rates? 10 of the top 10 are Red.

But gay people getting married is going to ruin the family for you? Seems like you're ruining it pretty well on your own.

So we get a bunch of happy families, straight and gay. You get a bunch of single moms and deadbeat dads.

With the Blue States in hand we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines (you can serve Texas wines at state dinners) 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford, Cal Tech, UC Berkeley, and MIT.

With the Red States you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans and their projected health care costs, 92 percent of all US mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, and Bob Jones University.

So, as we said at the start. You want to secede? Go ahead. Make our Day. But be careful what you wish for. You might not be so happy if you actually got it. If you ask nicely, we might even take you back.