After granting an exclusive interview with Katie Couric last week and then being accused of pandering to the liberal media, God accepted an invitation by Rupert Murdoch to give equal time to Fox News. After vigorous arm wrestling and a fierce round of rock, paper, scissors, Sarah Palin won the honor--much to the chagrin of Glenn Beck and Bill O'Reilly.
Although Murdoch was confident that Fox possessed superior technology that could actually capture both the image and voice of God, the following transcripts are the only evidence of the meeting.
DISCLAIMER: Just like the Katie Couric interview, this didn't actually happen, either.
SP: Oh my gosh, God. First let me say it is a blessing to have you at home with us at Fox to speak with me...I mean...us today.
G: (smiling) Thank you my dear but I'm at home wherever I am and for the record, I am always with you--whether you see me or not. (winks)
SP: Tell that to the liberal media. (Laughing)
G: Oh Sarah you are a firecracker.
SP: (Still laughing) But only because you made me that way! I mean really, God I am sooo blessed. One minute I'm a beauty Queen and Mayor of Wasilla and poof, Governor of Alaska and then one Our Father later, I'm runnin for the second highest office in the land. (collapses in laughter). Believe me, I know you're always with me.
G: (Smiling) First let me say, I do love seeing you so joyful Sarah and it is no wonder you are a crowd pleaser--just pure delight! However, you do realize that your winning any of those contests has nothing to do with me, right?
SP: Oh, c'mon...really?
G: Really dear. You have done an amazing job with the gifts you've been given and it seems what they say is true: you really do have a knack for 'shaking the moneymaker.' (laughs at his joke) I believe that's the expression I heard the other day.
SP: (uncomfortable laugh) Geez God, you mean it wasn't because you wanted me to win all those contests?
G: Of course not, Sara. I want everyone to have everything imaginable but those pageants and elections are all things you desired and imagined for yourself--not me. Isn't it great to know that your choices and actions are up to you? And besides, if you could attribute winning the beauty pageant to me, that would mean that I favored you over all those other beauty contestants wouldn't it?
SP: Well Heeellloooo! (collapses in laughter)
G: But Sarah, not only would that not be fair but it would mean that anyone who suffers pain and loss does so at my behest. Don't you see, if I was responsible for what you consider your successes, then I would be equally responsible for the anguish of others?
SP: Well, yes I mean... I thought...I mean we thought... (distracted by waving off stage)
G: Who is "we" Sarah?
SP Well, I mean the party members. You know the Tea Party. I mean, those of us who are working tirelessly to bring this country back to its' original Christian values--the ones this country was founded upon. The values you meant for us to uphold? (looking off stage and making hand gestures)
G: Really? My values? You mean the European Christian values that were responsible for the extermination of over 10 million of my Native children and the annihilation of millions more from what you now call Mexico? You want to bring those back?
SP: (uncomfortable laugh) Well, God, I didn't mean to get into all that...We mean, you know... the founding fathers. And besides, I don't need to tell you what your values are, do I?
G: Sarah, I couldn't agree with you more. That I definitely don't need. And I really hope you share that sentiment with some of your friends.
SP: (looks off stage and winks) Did you all get that? God said he "couldn't agree with me more!" Now where were we?
G: I believe we were talking about these Christian values. And with all this Ground Zero Mosque business and immigration nonsense, this might be an excellent time to revisit some of them, don't you agree? By the way, I've been trying to reach that Brewer girl in Arizona to have a little chat but whenever I call it's the strangest thing. The lights are on but nobody is home. Her electric bills must be sky high. Perhaps you can help me get a message to her?
SP: (Shrugging her shoulders to someone offstage) Well, okay sure.
G: And so why don't you tell me a little more about this Tea Party club and what all this has to do with me?
SP: Of course. Well, first of all we believe in fiscal responsibility, limited government and free markets. And we especially believe the government should respect the rights and freedoms of the individual to keep and spend the money that is the fruit of our own labor. (winking) That's actually on our website!
G: Okay. That all sounds fine, I guess. I like the words freedom and respect--very fine ideas. But to be honest it sounds like a lot of your concerns exist around money--which frankly, I've never really had much use for. Am I missing something?
SP: Well those are just some of our core values. Like I said we want to bring back the values of the founding fathers and...
G: You mean Jefferson, Washington and Madison--those fellows?
SP: You betchya!
G: Okay, I think I'm getting it. So you are saying that the values of these founding fathers--as you like to call them--somehow reflect my own?
SP: Um yes. (nervously looking off stage)
G: Oh, now I'm starting to see where all the confusion comes from. Now Sarah, these fellows were undoubtedly some shining stars--certainly some of the most ambitious men of that time--but most of them weren't 'believers' like you and your friends. And like most of my children, they were walking contradictions. After all, several of the ones espousing the values of liberty and freedom were actually slave owners who treated my African children like animals--forcing them to work until their bodies were broken. It was a horrible mess. So that kind of takes the wind out of the sails of that whole 'spending the fruit of their own labor' bit doesn't it? Are you really sure these are the values you are looking to 'restore' my dear?
SP: But Geez... (looking off stage)
G: Now child, all I'm asking is that you dig a little deeper and examine just what these values are and what they have to do with me?
G: And I really don't mean to harp again on that 'keeping the fruits of their labor' part but come to think of it so much of it sounds an awful lot like 'every man for himself'--which really isn't my style is it?
SP: Well no, but...God do you really think the government should interfere with people's lives and...
G: Sarah, what is this thing you call 'government' but a body of people? Is it interference to make sure that your brothers and sisters don't starve to death or become homeless or bankrupt because they contract an illness or lose a job? Is it interference to make sure children are clothed and educated without regard for race, religion or ethnicity? Is it interference to assure that people don't wave AK47's on a sunny afternoon in one of your beautiful state parks? Is that what you call interference? It sounds like good stewardship to me.
G: Now if you and your friends described fiscal responsibility as a system where everyone actually took responsibility for everyone else, well I might be able to get behind something like that. Who knows, I might even join this Tea Party! (doubles over laughing)
SP: (blank stare) Really? You might join? (looking off stage)
G: No, of course not. But seriously Sarah, there seems to be a lot of confusion out there and you've landed smack in the middle of it. All this founding fathers business--and don't get me started on the guns and the right to bear arms. Do you know the other day I came across a bumper sticker at a traffic accident that read 'guns and god'? If the accident hadn't involved the death of one of my precious children by a stray bullet, I might have found it amusing. Who in the world would put my name on a bumper sticker with...
SP: (looks down) Well, I never thought...
G: Sarah, I'm not angry or upset with you. That's not how I roll. (smiling) I just want you to question the hypocrisy and confusion surrounding the founding fathers and exactly what it is you and your Tea Party friends are so passionate about. And incidentally, I've noticed a lot of them don't seem very happy when they gather at these rallies. Lots of grimacing and shouting about 'restoring honor' but I swear I have never seen such sullenness. Actually, come to think of it, that man down in Florida threatening to burn the Quran with his 50 followers looks pretty unhappy too. Luckily there are more copies where they came from. (belly laugh) By the way, He's not one of your Tea Partiers is he Sarah?
SP: But God (looking of stage), perhaps you didn't hear what Glenn said at the rally.
G: My dear, I assure you I heard every last syllable.
SP: (nervous laughter) Oh...
G: It doesn't matter to me whether you identify as Democratic or Republican, Liberal or Conservative, pro big government or pro little government, Socialist or Capitalist, Christian or Muslim. It is meaningless to me. As far as I'm concerned it's like choosing Glee Club over football. But as soon as you construct an identity around one of these ideologies and start defending the cause by demonizing others, you're lost. And not only are you lost but now you're held hostage by a lie that demands a ransom. And usually the ransom involves a standard formula: alienation, division and almost always, violence. Simple really.
SP: I'm sorry God I just don't understand...
G: My dear, what about all this nonsense around Barack's citizenship and religious affiliation that has been used to stir up fear and suspicion--as if any of it had any meaning whatsoever?
SP: But, are you saying...
G: I'm saying there's been a lot of name-dropping on my behalf to create division through fear and violence for personal gain. And lately, some of the violence is disguised in words meant to incite cruelty against some of your own brothers and sisters--the ones you've labeled 'immigrants' or 'terrorists' or any title that dismisses their humanity and keeps them separate-in your mind. And frankly, I'm tired of it.
SP: Wow. But I thought you wanted us to glorify your name?
G: And what in God's name would I need that for? (God double's over laughing)...that was a good one... what in my name...never mind. Do you really think I need anyone to shout my name from a mountaintop or the Lincoln Memorial for that matter? I know where I am.
SP: Oh my...God, now I'm confused.
G: Excellent! That's the most hopeful thing I've ever heard you say and it's exactly why I chose to talk with you.
SP: So, you chose me? (jubilant)
G: (slaps his forehead) When was the last time you won three in a row in rock, paper scissors? Yes, Sarah I chose you but not for the reasons you might think.
SP Oh, okay. (looking off stage) Yeesh, CNN is going to have a field day with all this...
G: Saraaaah that whole 'liberal media' thing? I'm pretty sure the shelf life on that expired quite a while ago.
SP: Oh, okay. Geez
G: What I'm asking is that you think before you speak. You've got a lot of people listening to you at the moment but you know better than I, there's a narrow window. Pretty soon your looks will fade and even though you will always be beautiful to me, before you can say 'Paris Hilton' the spot light will be on somebody new.
SP: Wow. Really?
G: Really. And I'm going to tell you a little secret I shared with Katie the other day that might be worth thinking about.
SP: (disappointed) You told her first?
G: Good Heavens! You and Katie really ought to have lunch or something. You have a lot more in common with this 'special' business than I thought. Now listen close dear. This is so simple that it's easy to miss..
SP: I'm all ears. What is it?
G: Here's the deal. If everyone is truly equal in my eyes (which they are) then no-one is special. And if the obsession with being special is what causes all the conflict, drama, pain and suffering then as soon as you drop the need to be 'the chosen one,' the impulse to condemn, demonize and ridicule dissolves instantly. (Speaks offstage) Glenn, are you getting this?
SP: Really? That's deep...I think. Okay, if that's true then how did I become successful, famous and rich, if I'm not even special?
G: Dear girl, leaving that question unanswered for you to resolve is one of the greatest gifts I will ever give you. Think about it.
SP: And so you're still saying that I'm not any more 'blessed' than anyone else?
G; Bingo. And no, I don't talk to you any more or less than Todd, Bristol Glenn, Oprah, Ariana or the Dalai Lama.
SP: Not even Barack?
G: (Belly laugh) No, not Barack either. Although what you don't understand about Barack is that he is an excellent listener and even though he speaks 'to me' frequently, he never tries to speak 'for me'.
G: (smiles) Hey, now you know.
SP: God, I hope you don't take this the wrong way but you're a lot funnier than I imagined.
G: Thank heavens someone noticed. I get pretty tired of all the humorless fire and brimstone nonsense. I can barely remember how all that stuff got started anyway.
SP: (distracted by Glen waving offstage) Oh, I hope you don't mind but Glen would like me to ask one last question before you go?
SP: Will we be seeing you or Jesus again anytime soon?
G: (Doubles over laughing) Dear boy, this isn't my first rodeo. Did you really think I would fall for that one? Nice try though, nice try.
Everyone collapses in laughter.
Molly Secours is a writer/filmmaker and speaker in Nashville TN who has little faith in political affiliation or religious identification. She can be reached at www.mollysecours.com