Q: I have a wonderful son and a wonderful daughter-in-law. They have been married for five years and during that time we have seen them often and always have a good time. Often they join our other two younger children for grand and delicious family get-togethers which now -knock on wood - have been enriched by the arrival of our first grandchild. He is 9 months old and is obviously the joy of our lives.
So, what could possibly be the problem here? I am almost embarrassed to say what it is and I have not discussed this with anyone else. What perplexes me is that my friends who have grandchildren and discuss them endlessly never bring up this problem. Are they embarrassed -or am I alone in my predicament? I can't stand my daughter-in-law's incessant breastfeeding.
Why doesn't she stop already? Why does she do it all the time and all over the place? You can hardly turn around and there she is, my grandchild at her breast, and she's going at it. Shouldn't she be more discreet? I know that men sometimes are uncomfortable in the presence of a nursing woman, but I am not talking about that sort of thing. I am talking instead, I suppose, of moderation and also of being discreet. I know breastfeeding is natural, but so is sweating.
I know breastfeeding is healthy. But is it healthy for the mother to stop all activities in order to be available to the baby? Isn't it unhealthy to provide something less than the amount of food a baby needs to sleep through the night so it doesn't wake up needing another feeding? Isn't it unhealthy for the mother to be depleting all her resources so that she's really not available for other aspects of child-rearing or for taking care of her home and family?
A: Well, you certainly do represent the yawning gap between a younger generation's attitude toward breastfeeding and your own. What's more, your questions also suggests some additional personal issues that are only indirectly related to your daughter -in-law's breastfeeding. Let's start with the general issues.
Yes, this generation certainly feels differently about breastfeeding than previous ones -and, in fact, about child-rearing in general. When you become a grandparent, one of the things you realize is that the wheel is constantly being re-invented. When my first grandchild was born, I was sure that my kids would want the advice from me, especially since my doctorate dissertation specifically dealt with mother-infant interaction. I was the expert, for crying out loud!
But I soon realized that my kids were intent on discovering parenting on their own. I respect that. I got pleasure out of watching them get pleasure out of discovering the joys of parenting. Every parent is entitled to discover that on their own and to instill their children with their own particular values. At the same time, your kids are looking to you, their parent to tell them that they are doing a good job being a parent. A little applause never hurts.
Breastfeeding is certainly one of those issues that varies greatly from one generation to the next. This generation believes in for both emotional and physiological reasons -and for good reason. There are lots of studies about the benefits of breast milk when it comes to immune deficiencies and allergies. More recently, a study suggested a connection between long-term breastfeeding and higher IQ scores. So, women who believe in the virtues of breastfeeding, not only have reason to do so, but strongly feel justified in doing so wherever and whenever they -- or the children -- want. In fact, some cities are now having lengthy debates about whether to allow public breastfeeding, so when it comes to discomfort it appears you are hardly alone.
I must admit I am a bit biased, since I breastfed and loved it. I was bucking what was customary in my generation. The nurses in the maternity ward were very angry that my baby had to be brought to me in the middle of the night in order to breast feed. Nowadays babies are kept in the mother's room in order to facilitate breastfeeding. I applaud that.
In my opinion as both a mother and shrink, I firmly believe that breastfeeding facilitates mother-infant bonding. Nature has seen to that. The infant is pre-wired to see the mother during breastfeeding. In fact, he or she can see no further. Their eyes at birth can only focus the distance between themselves and their mother's eyes.
That's nature. Now for nurture. A mother who breastfeeds has already established priorities. The baby comes first. It comes over sleep, work, or play. That doesn't mean that breastfeeding moms love their child more than a non-breastfeeding mother, nor does it mean, in my opinion, that their baby will be smarter or more capable because of the breastfeeding. (Remember, the single study relating to higher IQ scores has yet to be replicated.) It just means that the likelihood of the mother being intensely involved with her child is greater -- and the chances to develop a strong bond between mother and child because of increased time together in a very intimate situation is greatly enhanced. All this being the case -and nothing, but nothing being "greener" than mother's milk and a delivery system with no carbon emissions -it stands to reason that some mother would be excessively proud to breastfeed in public. They think they're doing a public -as opposed to private -service.
So, accept your role as a grandparent and understand your own personal issues as well. Since this is your first grandchildren, this is the first time you are feeling and experiencing this new stage of your life -and your children's, too. Do you miss not having the main role in parenting decisions? Do you feel your daughter-in-law is no longer taking care of your son? You suggest that by wondering if her energy for taking care of the home -not to mention your son - is being depleted by her marathon breastfeeding. Might you also feel that you are missing out on what appears to be those special moment for your son and daughter-in-law -- a moment that does not include you?
Relax, you're hardly the only grandparent who has questions and emotions about breastfeeding. Everyone talks about the shifting roles for the parent and the adjustment that is required for them. But grandparents who are also finding themselves in transition from long held beliefs to new roles have to make adjustments that can be painful. Ask your friends quietly. They may agree with you. I don't usually like to say to anyone that I understand what they are feeling, but there are aspects of your discomfort that I understand. All grandparents do.
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To take offense at breastfeeding is paramount to taking offense at hugging.
Sad, really.
**
I used to have a small receiving blanket with me that I'd toss over my shoulder or I'd just go sit somewhere away from other people. I can't believe in this day and age that it still bothers people to see a woman breastfeed when it's perfectly natural. Talk about Prudes!!!
This is a country that went nuclear over a "wardrobe malfunction" during a Super Bowl 1/2 time that exposed their little darling children to what? Maybe 2 seconds of BOOB on the boob tube?
"Prudes" doesn't begin to cover it. These people think nothing of the violence their children see in movies and in video games.....but 2 seconds of visualizing a boob on tv and the world goes nuts.
Insanity.
First of all, I intuit that the "grandparent" in the question is a MAN. In every instance he's asking "Why doesn't SHE stop?" "Why does SHE "do it" all over the place?" "There SHE is, with MY grandchild at HER breast, GOING AT IT!" Obviously this man feels that breasts are for men's pleasure or he wouldn't sexualize something so natural by phrasing it as "doing it" and "going at it" (like they're in the back seat of a car, "doing it" and "going at it.") In the US, breasts are considered "sexual" things, (Remember when Ashcroft had the Satue of Justice's breasts draped?) and that is why so many people feel they should always be hidden, just as they feel all sexuality should remain hidden.
But try hiding sexuality and you get Larry Craigs and McGreeveys....
In the view of most women, it is the BABY who is breast"feeding." Men tend to view it as the WOMAN who is "whipping it out" to "breast" feed. I don't know any women who felt they were "whipping it out" when they breastfed, but I know lots of guys who routinely use that phrase when referencing their penises. Lots of horrified men posting here have referenced publicly breastfeeding mothers as having "whipped it out." Get a grip, guys! Breastfeeding is not sexual. Breasts aren't sexual either, in and of themselves, and their sexuality exists only in the way you view them.
There are other considerations in evaluating our feelings toward breast feeding.
Our species has been around for at least 35,000 years, according to some estimates. During that time, for how many years were bottles and so-called formula around? 100 years or less? Who pushed for the adoption of the habit of using purchased bottles and formula? Mothers, or producers and sellers of baby bottles?
Assuming that baby bottles have been around for about 100 years, doesn't it seem a little odd to give preference to something that was invented so recently over something that we have been doing for tens of thousands of years? Millions of years, if we want to consider our predecessors.
Another way of considering the issue: a method of conception has recently been invented which makes fornication no longer necessary. Because something is possible, and new, does that mean that every one should now think of sex as the improper way of conception?
Looking at the issue from the "green" point of view: which uses fewer resources, making and using cows' milk, or using a mother's milk?
The health issues are entirely on the side of using a mother's milk, so there isn't much need to consider the issue from that point, I think.
Breast fed babies develop stronger immune systems, better brain development and better self esteem.
Other than that, they're pretty much the same as any bottle fed baby.
**
As a mother who actively and 'incessantly' breastfed, and who received similar slack from people from many walks of life, I wanted to share a thought which was hysterical to and reused by me.
A young woman was seated in church and an older woman disprovingly chided her about breastfeeding, indicating that she ought to take it outside of God's house or something to that effect.
The young mother responded curtly: "If it was good enough for Baby Jesus, it's good enough for my son, and is certainly welcome in God's house."
I find it disturbing that we cannot come to grips with one of the most natural and beautiful parts of the life cycle. For those of us lucky enough to be able to experience providing our children with the nourishment they require in an entirely natural and spontaneous way, to witness one's body become a provider of rich and fortifying sustenance via the body's amazing natural response cycle, this is to come more fully in tune with your life force and your human experience.
People who have issue with breastfeeding should bear in mind that the shame associated with breasts is largely cultural and a relatively modern addition to our conscious concern. The worldwide average for the duration and occurrence of breastfeeding is significantly higher than ours, and I can't help but wonder if the increasing prevalence of breastfeeding issues and failures stems from this large scale paranoia about exposing our breasts!
Sexually repressed America?
To the grandparent, get over it. None of your business how often the mother does this.
What *Right* is a mother breast feeding her child in violation? Your Right not to been seen in the room with another boob?
Yes, the world revolves around you and your rights. How dare the world, science, human nature and biology not agree with you, as you say think and command!
Damn those pesky women and their boobs, the idea a boob is available to someone else but not *YOU* must be very frustrating.
Will someone please put a boob in his mouth so he will stop crying! :)
I was uncomfortable when a friend of mine breastfed her babies, even though my wife breastfed ours. I know how beneficial it is to the kids. I pretended I did not see it.
Yes, it makes me uncomfortable. But its for the kids. Do it. Do it in public.
In fact, if I think about it, it makes me more uncomfortable to see women bottle-feed an infant.
I am amazed and disgusted at the number of negative opinions posted here regarding breastfeeding. Comparing breastfeeding to "taking a leak" or "passing gas" is not only insulting but ignorant. Breastfeeding is natural and beneficial to the child and the mother. Taking a leak is beneficial to the leaker but nobody else. If you feel you must stare to make the breastfeeding mother as uncomfortable as you, I have the number of a good shrink for you.
I have no issue with formula, I am the mother of 4 mo old twins. They are only formula fed and have been since about 1 mo old. I would have breastfed longer had we been able too.
Breastfeeding should be encouraged in any way possible. The benefits are inumerable, not to mention the cost savings. The opinions expressed here do not encourage mothers to do so. Sad. Pumping is fine and is a nice way to help baby transition from breast to bottle. It should not be considered a method of making prudes comfortable in public though. Try hooking them up to the stupid end of breast pump for 20 minutes several times a day and they may agree!
I applaud any mother who breastfeeds anywhere, anytime. I was always discreet with my older child but it was obvious what was going on. For that MIL to label is as "incessant" breastfeeding is only a glimpse of what is to come. I feel for her.
Individual rights stop being great when they start intruding on the rights of others.
There are all sort of healthy, natural, bodily functions that we do in private, for good reason. Breastfeeding should be no different.
Intruding on the rights of others does not include making another feel uncomfortable. Demeaning another person is an intrusion. Prime example? Racism. Breastfeeding harms no one except insecure people who are uncomfortable with themselves.
Frenbar, your logic is lacking. Where is the psychological harm in breastfeeding. And just what did humans do before the advent of the bottle and baby formula? Breast feed. But gosh, those breasts too tempting aren't they? They lead to great evil in the world. Tyranny. Genocide.
Men have breasts. We show them off if they look good. Just that we are A- cup. Well, I hope most of us are. Cover up your breasts, men! Evil abounds!
Taking a leak is a healthy, natural function too, yet I find some privacy before I whip it out.
I don't think it's too much to ask nursing mothers to do the same.
Sure, it's the daughter's right. People should mother the way they want. But I do agree that you can happily breastfeed a baby and still manage and structure the rest of your day. You can pump, allow yourself a break and let somebody give the baby breastmilk from a bottle, or store some so you can take a break. I am a bit bugged by moms who make their lives miserable, thinking that all life has to stop so they can breastfeed 24/7.
I'm a big believer in breastfeeding, but it might be done by more women if they can learn to compromise and manage life at the same time. The baby is happy when momma is happy.
Nice assumptions there. Breastfeeding exclusively is accomplished by millions of mothers without making their lives miserable. Part of parenting a newborn is learning how to "be" rather than "do,do,do" all the time. Being with baby instead of putting them in all kinds of manmade contraptions and giving them to a babysitter, nanny or daycare is having a horrible impact on all society. Bottle feeding makes this possible, and its all related.
Breastfeeding does not make life miserable. It makes life easier and in my vast experience it makes mom and babies happier.
Have you ever pumped breastmilk?
Not everyone can--and many breastfed babies won't accept it.
"I am a bit bugged by moms who making their lives miserable"--the mother here seems perfectly happy. It's the grandma who's miserable--my own opinion would be that she's driven by jealousy, but I'm no expert.
"The baby is happy when momma is happy"--dealing with misinformed people who pass judgment and think they know more and offer unworkable suggestions isn't very likely to make momma happy.
Gee, I don't think this grandmother was being anti-breast feeding, as much as she was questioning the incessant constant boob being the only constant answer to a child's need. I breast fed two kids, and still, they were on a sort of schedule, and it didn't mean I dropped everything all the time to shove a boob in my darling kids' mouths. I see mothers who do this, who give not structure to the feedings, and if they're happy great. Mostly, they are stressed and angry and likely to give up breastfeeding sooner.
I think the boob is not the answer to every situation. They do. I may be wrong, but I think that's what the grandmother's issue was about. Other mothering needs are not being addressed: prioritizing yourself, your sleeping, your partner, you cleaning the house, etc. It just sounds to me that she hated how her daughter in law's life was being taking over by attachment to this idea that the breast is the be-all and end-all. Am I wrong?
As a guy I am shocked by this discourse and slightly angry. Breast Feeding is not socially acceptable? Take it outside? Why does she keep doing it any time the 9 month old wants to eat?
Who the hell are you people?
The whole reason Carl La'Na'us classified Humans as Mammals was to force Women to focus on Breast Feeding in the 1800s. Even then Scientists knew how damaging it was to the health of the child and the society to not Breast Feed.
Women had decided they were just to busy to bother, as their social lives and status was more important. Sound familiar?
So in essence your, bitching about someone who cares enough to Breast Feed their child as a problem for society? Actually YOU are the problem. Live your lives and shut the hell up. Stop pretending you have some say in how someone raises their child when it CLEARLY is causing no danger to the child, only your egos.
You apparently can not be bothered to even read about the current scientific studies to find the answers yourself, where you could find out what she is doing is correct.
It is no wonder we in the US are considered so sexually repressed, with the highest rates of crimes against women of any first (probably second as well) world countries. I usually expect to hear this kind of crap from some self serving, holier than thou male prick, whom pretends to speak for god.
Tell ya what....next time I'm in a restaurant and I have to pee I'm going to non-chalantly stand up, cover my crotch with a towel, whip out an empty bottle and pee right there in the middle of the room. What? What's the big deal??? It's perfectly natural to have to pee and maybe if America wasn't so "sexually repressed" they could just accept it for what it is.....a perfectly natural need. Carl La'Na'us classified humans as mammals and mammals have to eliminate waste.By your logic there should be no problem.
Why is it such an abhorant that prospect that I don't want to see some woman whip one out to feed her kid in a public setting? Breast feed. Fine! I don't care! But I don't have to sit around and see it. I don't WANT to see it! And if I do I will sit there and stare and stare and stare until she feels as uncomfortable as I do having to watch it.
"we in the US......with the highest rates of crimes against women of any first (probably second as well) world countries." You so just pulled that out of your A**. Have you ever heard of the Middle East? I dare you to back up that statement with a sourced study. Typical liberal......all emotion. No logic.
Good grief--look at what you said.
Urine is waste. Defecation is waste and it's toxic. Both smell offensive.
Breastmilk is nutrition.
Humans have always separated their waste from their eating area. I suspect even primitive humans made sure to urinate defecate away from where the food is.
Then don't look. Of course, you might not have the self control to prevent yourself from looking. Typical conservative attitude: Incessant concern about what others do in the face of utter lack of self control on their part. If you are ashamed of your apparent obsession with breasts, deal with it yourself. Don't project your wandering eyes on others.
The fact that you equate breastfeeding with urinating says volumes about your mentality. Unless you can drink your own urine and feed it to your children and grandchildren, I have news for you: breastmilk and urine are not the same thing.
so well said...
Gosh, I wonder if people hated seeing me breastfeed my daughter, thirty years ago. I was the first "rooming in" mom in the hospital had, and the first time the nurses woke me they snidely said "We wouldn't have to wake you if you'd let us give her a bottle!". I usually put a light blanket over my chest (and her face) while feeding her in public, and after the first year I generally fed her in private. I was the only one of my group who breastfed for two and a half years, but I met a woman from Africa who assured me she had too, and that it was more common than not in Africa to breast feed for two or three years.
How could there be ANY doubt that breast is best?
it's always the freaks who complain about women publicly breastfeeding. it's definitely a generational thing in this country. and i apologize for the cliche, but no one bats an eye in europe when a woman whips out her boob to feed her kid--not the women and certainly not the men. in fact, you look like a complete pervert if you do. the hysteria here is just comical! the media and the puritans in america have made many people forget that breasts for females actually provide a biological function--feeding their child! and it's doubly hilarious when people make the "farting is natural too" (or whatever) comparison. how about we just stick to the *eating* comparison, since that is what is actually happening, m'kay?
another topic that won't be a topic in thirty years--and thank god!
Now I'm hungry.
"Why doesn't she stop already? Why does she do it all the time and all over the place? You can hardly turn around and there she is, my grandchild at her breast, and she's going at it. Shouldn't she be more discreet?"
I think this quote more accurately displays the mindset that most people have. The people who are against breast feeding altogether are in the minority. Most, including myself, feel the same sentiment this lady expresses in the quote above.
Breast feeding is fine but use some discretion. I don't want to sit in a restaurant and watch some lady whip out her boob to feed her child. I get it...you're a mom. Now take it outside. Yes, yes I know....it's perfectly natural. Well, so are flatulence and picking your nose but neither are acceptable for public consumption. So, in short, more power to you for all the right reasons BUT take it outside already and stop making a "look at me, look at me" statement.
Anybody ever heard of a breast pump? If you are going out in public put about 5 minutes of thought into it and save some milk for later when those around you have no interest in your child's feeding habits. We thank you.
Oilcan93, you should put about 5 minutes of thought into your statements and realize that your statements give so much insight into the type of person you are. Let's step back for a moment. This has to do with feeding a baby. And, it also has to do with preventative steps moms can take to ensure that their babies and FUTURE GENERATIONS are healthier. Do you not get that? Do you not understand that for moms, breastfeeding reduces the risk of breast cancer. Do you not get that breastfeeding reduces the risk of childhood cancers, diabetes, obesity...do you not understand that this is bigger than whether or not you feel uncomfortable. This is not just the posters saying this. There are people who conduct research to prove these things or do you not think that is important because it does not suit your argument? Do you not see how ridiculous your statements are? Get over yourself. It is so pathetic and sad but I guess it is more important to you to feel comfortable and self-righteous than it is for a baby to get fed. Seriously, get a reality check, read some studies, educate yourself and stop being fooled into thinking that your position makes you look anything other than a sad, selfish, puritanical person who would rather make him or herself feel comfortable about someone else's attempts to give her baby the healthiest and most natural food that was specifically made just for him or her.
ginanick, were we reading the same post from Oilcan93? Oilcan93 seems to support breastfeeding. His/her assertion that a little more discretion would go a long way does not seem too radical to me. Oilcan93 is not suggesting women should stop breastfeeding to appease puritan sentiments, but that some mothers (and in my view it is a tiny minority) could make some effort at showing restraint in public. The nose picking argument is not too far off. Perhaps an even closer analogy would be that certain acts of excretion are a natural part of life, but that whizzing on a street corner is frowned on. Or the act of making a baby is natural, but perhaps best not done on the bus to work. Call me a prude. My wife breastfed our son and I am a huge supporter of it. I think society should bend over backwards to accommodate it. But everyday life requires a bit of give and take, like table manners. Is that so pathetic?
I agree with table manners, but sometimes it is not practical to lug around a cooler when you need to take your baby out. Mothers have so much to bring already, ie. diapers, wipes, extra clothes, toys, etc. Not to mention that pumping reduces the supply of milk.
I was a working mother who used the pump for 40 hours a week. Any lactation specialist will tell you pumping will lower the amount of milk your body produces. When the mother is not at work, she needs to feed from her breast. When you feed the baby from a bottle, you have a little left over that has to be thrown out. When you are trying so hard to keep up with providing milk for daycare, it kills you to throw away even a drop.
One time I spilled 6 ounces of milk when putting it in my son's bottle for daycare. That day at my lunch break I had to bring him more milk to last the rest of the day. Then I had to wake up in the middle of the night and pump again because of the extra milk that was needed the day before. I hated to feed in public, and made absolutely sure that my breasts were not exposed.
So, after giving everyone TMI, I hope that some people might understand that breast feeding is something that is stressful enough, we don't need people judging us because we have to feed in a public place.
Breastfeeding really is the best. It's great when the baby wakes up in the middle of the night and you don't have to worry about bottles and formula.
There was a time when pregnant women didn't go out in public after the fifth month. It was called "the confinement". Now we go and wear what we want to. Breast fed babies need to nurse more often because they don't get 8 onces at a time like bottle fed babies do. When we stop sexualising the breast and accept its original purpose we will all be more comfortable.
Wow! I wonder how this MIL treats her daughter-in-law?
From reading her letter, she is not on a good track to have a loving relationship with her son's wife and that could lead to being deprived of having a close relationship with her grandson. I guess she isn't thinking very far ahead, being that seeing another woman's breast is so disturbing to her presently.
I was breastfed, my children were breastfed and their children were breastfed. It is very good for the child, gets the mother back into shape (in a healthy wayI and protects the child in so many ways.
Mom-in-law, you might try some therapy for your problems.
This woman sound like one self centered psycho mother in law. Seriously. Who the HELL questions a woman feeding her child.... as nature intended....and bonding with him/her every minute of the feeding? It is perfectly normal to feed a baby often in small meals, versus milk pig outs a few times a day. Secondly, it's the healthiest thing for a child and builds a strong immune system to fend off all those toxins they'll go through in life.
Grandmother: it's time for therapy... or perhaps some education about the stages of human infancy and its needs. Humans are meant to be grazers...not eat 3 meals a day as has been structured for us. Just look at the obesity rate. Or, how about you approach your daughter in law nicely and ASK her to be a little more discreet cause it makes some people uncomfortable. Simple as that.
Posted May 22, 2008 | 09:41 AM (EST)