Breastfeeding: The Controversy Continues
Q: I have a wonderful son and a wonderful daughter-in-law. They have been married for five years and during that time we have seen them often and always have a good time. Often they join our other two younger children for grand and delicious family get-togethers which now -knock on wood - have been enriched by the arrival of our first grandchild. He is 9 months old and is obviously the joy of our lives.
So, what could possibly be the problem here? I am almost embarrassed to say what it is and I have not discussed this with anyone else. What perplexes me is that my friends who have grandchildren and discuss them endlessly never bring up this problem. Are they embarrassed -or am I alone in my predicament? I can't stand my daughter-in-law's incessant breastfeeding.
Why doesn't she stop already? Why does she do it all the time and all over the place? You can hardly turn around and there she is, my grandchild at her breast, and she's going at it. Shouldn't she be more discreet? I know that men sometimes are uncomfortable in the presence of a nursing woman, but I am not talking about that sort of thing. I am talking instead, I suppose, of moderation and also of being discreet. I know breastfeeding is natural, but so is sweating.
I know breastfeeding is healthy. But is it healthy for the mother to stop all activities in order to be available to the baby? Isn't it unhealthy to provide something less than the amount of food a baby needs to sleep through the night so it doesn't wake up needing another feeding? Isn't it unhealthy for the mother to be depleting all her resources so that she's really not available for other aspects of child-rearing or for taking care of her home and family?
A: Well, you certainly do represent the yawning gap between a younger generation's attitude toward breastfeeding and your own. What's more, your questions also suggests some additional personal issues that are only indirectly related to your daughter -in-law's breastfeeding. Let's start with the general issues.
Yes, this generation certainly feels differently about breastfeeding than previous ones -and, in fact, about child-rearing in general. When you become a grandparent, one of the things you realize is that the wheel is constantly being re-invented. When my first grandchild was born, I was sure that my kids would want the advice from me, especially since my doctorate dissertation specifically dealt with mother-infant interaction. I was the expert, for crying out loud!
But I soon realized that my kids were intent on discovering parenting on their own. I respect that. I got pleasure out of watching them get pleasure out of discovering the joys of parenting. Every parent is entitled to discover that on their own and to instill their children with their own particular values. At the same time, your kids are looking to you, their parent to tell them that they are doing a good job being a parent. A little applause never hurts.
Breastfeeding is certainly one of those issues that varies greatly from one generation to the next. This generation believes in for both emotional and physiological reasons -and for good reason. There are lots of studies about the benefits of breast milk when it comes to immune deficiencies and allergies. More recently, a study suggested a connection between long-term breastfeeding and higher IQ scores. So, women who believe in the virtues of breastfeeding, not only have reason to do so, but strongly feel justified in doing so wherever and whenever they -- or the children -- want. In fact, some cities are now having lengthy debates about whether to allow public breastfeeding, so when it comes to discomfort it appears you are hardly alone.
I must admit I am a bit biased, since I breastfed and loved it. I was bucking what was customary in my generation. The nurses in the maternity ward were very angry that my baby had to be brought to me in the middle of the night in order to breast feed. Nowadays babies are kept in the mother's room in order to facilitate breastfeeding. I applaud that.
In my opinion as both a mother and shrink, I firmly believe that breastfeeding facilitates mother-infant bonding. Nature has seen to that. The infant is pre-wired to see the mother during breastfeeding. In fact, he or she can see no further. Their eyes at birth can only focus the distance between themselves and their mother's eyes.
That's nature. Now for nurture. A mother who breastfeeds has already established priorities. The baby comes first. It comes over sleep, work, or play. That doesn't mean that breastfeeding moms love their child more than a non-breastfeeding mother, nor does it mean, in my opinion, that their baby will be smarter or more capable because of the breastfeeding. (Remember, the single study relating to higher IQ scores has yet to be replicated.) It just means that the likelihood of the mother being intensely involved with her child is greater -- and the chances to develop a strong bond between mother and child because of increased time together in a very intimate situation is greatly enhanced. All this being the case -and nothing, but nothing being "greener" than mother's milk and a delivery system with no carbon emissions -it stands to reason that some mother would be excessively proud to breastfeed in public. They think they're doing a public -as opposed to private -service.
So, accept your role as a grandparent and understand your own personal issues as well. Since this is your first grandchildren, this is the first time you are feeling and experiencing this new stage of your life -and your children's, too. Do you miss not having the main role in parenting decisions? Do you feel your daughter-in-law is no longer taking care of your son? You suggest that by wondering if her energy for taking care of the home -not to mention your son - is being depleted by her marathon breastfeeding. Might you also feel that you are missing out on what appears to be those special moment for your son and daughter-in-law -- a moment that does not include you?
Relax, you're hardly the only grandparent who has questions and emotions about breastfeeding. Everyone talks about the shifting roles for the parent and the adjustment that is required for them. But grandparents who are also finding themselves in transition from long held beliefs to new roles have to make adjustments that can be painful. Ask your friends quietly. They may agree with you. I don't usually like to say to anyone that I understand what they are feeling, but there are aspects of your discomfort that I understand. All grandparents do.
Loading comments…
Want to reply to a comment? Hint: Click "Reply" at the bottom of the comment; after being approved your comment will appear directly underneath the comment you replied to
it's always the freaks who complain about women publicly breastfeeding. it's definitely a generational thing in this country. and i apologize for the cliche, but no one bats an eye in europe when a woman whips out her boob to feed her kid--not the women and certainly not the men. in fact, you look like a complete pervert if you do. the hysteria here is just comical! the media and the puritans in america have made many people forget that breasts for females actually provide a biological function--feeding their child! and it's doubly hilarious when people make the "farting is natural too" (or whatever) comparison. how about we just stick to the *eating* comparison, since that is what is actually happening, m'kay?
another topic that won't be a topic in thirty years--and thank god!
Now I'm hungry.
"Why doesn't she stop already? Why does she do it all the time and all over the place? You can hardly turn around and there she is, my grandchild at her breast, and she's going at it. Shouldn't she be more discreet?"
I think this quote more accurately displays the mindset that most people have. The people who are against breast feeding altogether are in the minority. Most, including myself, feel the same sentiment this lady expresses in the quote above.
Breast feeding is fine but use some discretion. I don't want to sit in a restaurant and watch some lady whip out her boob to feed her child. I get it...you're a mom. Now take it outside. Yes, yes I know....it's perfectly natural. Well, so are flatulence and picking your nose but neither are acceptable for public consumption. So, in short, more power to you for all the right reasons BUT take it outside already and stop making a "look at me, look at me" statement.
Anybody ever heard of a breast pump? If you are going out in public put about 5 minutes of thought into it and save some milk for later when those around you have no interest in your child's feeding habits. We thank you.
Oilcan93, you should put about 5 minutes of thought into your statements and realize that your statements give so much insight into the type of person you are. Let's step back for a moment. This has to do with feeding a baby. And, it also has to do with preventative steps moms can take to ensure that their babies and FUTURE GENERATIONS are healthier. Do you not get that? Do you not understand that for moms, breastfeeding reduces the risk of breast cancer. Do you not get that breastfeeding reduces the risk of childhood cancers, diabetes, obesity...do you not understand that this is bigger than whether or not you feel uncomfortable. This is not just the posters saying this. There are people who conduct research to prove these things or do you not think that is important because it does not suit your argument? Do you not see how ridiculous your statements are? Get over yourself. It is so pathetic and sad but I guess it is more important to you to feel comfortable and self-righteous than it is for a baby to get fed. Seriously, get a reality check, read some studies, educate yourself and stop being fooled into thinking that your position makes you look anything other than a sad, selfish, puritanical person who would rather make him or herself feel comfortable about someone else's attempts to give her baby the healthiest and most natural food that was specifically made just for him or her.
ginanick, were we reading the same post from Oilcan93? Oilcan93 seems to support breastfeeding. His/her assertion that a little more discretion would go a long way does not seem too radical to me. Oilcan93 is not suggesting women should stop breastfeeding to appease puritan sentiments, but that some mothers (and in my view it is a tiny minority) could make some effort at showing restraint in public. The nose picking argument is not too far off. Perhaps an even closer analogy would be that certain acts of excretion are a natural part of life, but that whizzing on a street corner is frowned on. Or the act of making a baby is natural, but perhaps best not done on the bus to work. Call me a prude. My wife breastfed our son and I am a huge supporter of it. I think society should bend over backwards to accommodate it. But everyday life requires a bit of give and take, like table manners. Is that so pathetic?
Breastfeeding really is the best. It's great when the baby wakes up in the middle of the night and you don't have to worry about bottles and formula.
There was a time when pregnant women didn't go out in public after the fifth month. It was called "the confinement". Now we go and wear what we want to. Breast fed babies need to nurse more often because they don't get 8 onces at a time like bottle fed babies do. When we stop sexualising the breast and accept its original purpose we will all be more comfortable.
Wow! I wonder how this MIL treats her daughter-in-law?
From reading her letter, she is not on a good track to have a loving relationship with her son's wife and that could lead to being deprived of having a close relationship with her grandson. I guess she isn't thinking very far ahead, being that seeing another woman's breast is so disturbing to her presently.
I was breastfed, my children were breastfed and their children were breastfed. It is very good for the child, gets the mother back into shape (in a healthy wayI and protects the child in so many ways.
Mom-in-law, you might try some therapy for your problems.
This woman sound like one self centered psycho mother in law. Seriously. Who the HELL questions a woman feeding her child.... as nature intended....and bonding with him/her every minute of the feeding? It is perfectly normal to feed a baby often in small meals, versus milk pig outs a few times a day. Secondly, it's the healthiest thing for a child and builds a strong immune system to fend off all those toxins they'll go through in life.
Grandmother: it's time for therapy... or perhaps some education about the stages of human infancy and its needs. Humans are meant to be grazers...not eat 3 meals a day as has been structured for us. Just look at the obesity rate. Or, how about you approach your daughter in law nicely and ASK her to be a little more discreet cause it makes some people uncomfortable. Simple as that.
In my experience as a breast feeding mother and grandmother to breast fed babies it is the people who see the breasts as sexual that have the hardest time with breastfeeding. Marketing women as sex objects and using men's desire to touch and handle women's breasts has contributed to this.
I think it is sad that the only place for many women to feed their babies is in public toilet facilities.
Let's hope this changes and malls and retail stores welcome families needs like some have with family bathrooms and nursing rooms.
A good response Mona!
I can't stand the holier-than-thou attitude of breast-feeders. I applaud your desire to breast-feed, but there are other options for other people. My wife and I bottle-fed our daughter (now 4) and are doing the same with our two-month old. My four-year old is exceptionally smart and has a vocabulary better than most 3rd graders. Her cousin was breast-fed and is very far behind the curve for other 3 yr olds. Also, my SIL would sleep with her son and pop in a boob, continuing to sleep...where is the bonding? In addition to hampering her relationships by having a child in her bed, he still still sleeps with her three years later, something I believe has hindered his independence. Also, as a father I appreciate the chance to bond with my daughter when I wake for feedings. So, please continue breast-feeding, but stop trying to cram your CHOICE down other people's throats.
Who's cramming? Just saying that breastfeeding has been around as long as humans have, and yet our society is still very ignorant about it.Your above comments illustrate that exact point. If some breastfed kids are "behind the curve" it prooves nothing. FYI, bonding is human contact, period. Your SIL may be asleep, but her body is near. Along the lines of your arguement, one could say that married couples might as well sleep in different beds, as they are asleep anyway, and don't notice eachother's closeness. As for the co-sleeping arrangement, that's a personal choice. I never chose to co-sleep, but what parents choose is their buisness. I do however think there is a point to be made about the sexualisation of the breast. The American public can make breastfeeding very uncomfortable for a mother. And many feel that needs to change, myself included. If anyone is doing the cramming, it's mainstream society as they chase breastfeeding mothers into dark corners of public spaces.
If I'm offended by watching you plug a plastic nipple into your babies mouth as it sucks out synthetic food, does that mean you should do it elsewhere? If it makes me uncomfortable does that mean you are cramming your CHOICE down my throat? Get a grip. It is none of my business how and what you feed your baby (even though it does give me the eebie geebies to see people sticking bottles into tiny infants' mouths) and vice versa.
There is nothing better for a baby. Nothing.
With all due respect, your thoughts, feelings, and biased opinions are yours and despite how you feel about it, it is her decision on how she wants to feed her baby. Period. Study after study shows how beneficial breastfeeding and breastmilk are for baby and mother. Babies need nurturing, they need to suckle, the need to form a close bond with their mothers, their milk has immunities and protections that absolutely cannot be replicated by science. So, rather than thinking about how uncomfortable it makes YOU feel, why not think about it without you in the equation. She is feeding her baby the way nature intended it. Breasts are made to produce milk and feed offspring. If it works for her and her baby, then who are you to interfere with it? the only thing it has to do with you is that you will have a healthier grandchild and healthier daughter in law--benefits that can go beyond their generations given the reduced risk for obesity, overweight, diabetes, breast cancer, ovarian cancer... try a less selfish perspective and see how that fits into your bias.
I grew up around breast-fed babies and breast-fed both of mine until they were 18 months old. I was extremely pleased when my nieces decided to do the same with their children . . . I'm sure that my daughter will do the same. It's how God intended us to feed our young, nothing "base" about it. As my pediatrician said, the only babies that cow's milk is good for is baby cows. He also told me that there was absolutely NO reason to waste my money on commercial baby food. Babies don't need it, either.
My wife breastfed all three of our children. Our pediatrician was very anti bottle feeding. He made one point that resonated. He asked, what other species of animal drinks the milk of another species?
He also was against the dairy industry, stating that they misrepresent the health aspects of milk, derived from the dairy industry lobbying the federal government to encourage milk consumption in the 1930s. That was a little radical for us, though it is probably based on fact, but the first argument is a compelling one.
Our children had less health problems than bottle fed children, too. And when they got too old for breast feeding, they thumbed their noses at our attempts to give them milk from a bottle. It also enhances the health of women's breasts and i'm sure there are less instances of breast cancer in women who breastfeed.
My mother-in-law was also very anxious about the issue of breastfeeding when our first child (and the first grandchild) was born. She told me I'd simply have to leave the room, since no one wanted to be exposed to something so base.
Ironically, her mother (my grand-mother-in-law) was completely comfortable with it, and told me to nurse whenever and where-ever I felt it necessary.
The whole situation brought into sharp focus how different generations of mothers, and society as a whole, have dealt with this issue.
Education is the key! When people become educated about the benefits of breastfeeding, almost all of them can at least accept the concept, and learn to deal with their anxieties about it. I had my doctor speak to my mother-in-law, and she came away with a more supportive attitude, and a better understanding. Over time, she became very supportive and comfortable, but it took awhile.
You must be logged in to comment. Log in or connect with
