Dr. Mona Knows Being Alone At An Older Age

Q: Let me start off by telling you that I have a fabulous, active, and interesting life. I have had several profound and happy long-term relationships. My husband died after fifteen years of marriage and another long-term, live-in relationship ended after twenty years. But I hold onto dear, sweet memories of both men --no regrets! I have wonderful children and grandchildren and I enjoy managing my independent consulting firm which specializes in public relations for book publishers. I have many hobbies, including horseback riding. I travel a lot, and I still have the energy and the health for more lovers, even though I am approaching seventy.

Last week, an old male friend contacted me. My heart leapt and I began to fantasize about our connecting. Every time we had flirted in the past, it had either not been the right moment or there were other people in our lives and we just couldn't step away from our entanglements. But I always had him in the back of my mind and I thought that this could be our moment.

After several conversations, we tried to make plans to see each other. That is when the hammer fell. He casually told me that he couldn't get away the weekend I wanted because his girlfriend's family was coming in for a visit. That was the end of that conversation. I would never be the one to create problems for another woman.

But now I am very sad. I don't understand why with such a varied and full life I can still feel so empty and lonely. I guess I was hoping that me and my old friend would finally connect and that he would be the next great love of my life. Do you think a vibrant 70 year old can still meet and have fun with someone?

A: This feels like Shakespeare's wonderful and wise quote, "Me thinks the lady doth protest too much." First comes your tender feelings for "the other woman" -- "I would never be the one to create problems for another woman." Do you know this other woman? Are you responsible for her? Or, more to the point, are you magically responsible for what this man wants to do with you and to his live-in lover? If you want to seize the pleasure of a fleeting moment for yourself, I would say "go ahead." Don't hesitate because of your presumed responsibility to an unknown woman but dohesitate because this relationship would surely be brief. Your morality is intact. His is in question! He has shown you many times over that he cannot sustain a long-term commitment and that he has little respect for another person's dignity. He is the one who lives for the moment, not you. He takes what pleasure he wants, not you. Well, either trump him at his own game and take what you want for yourself, or -more to the point -- walk away knowing what you left and why you left it.

You protest too much also about the quality of your life. It's wonderful. You have no complaints. Certainly you have constructed a life for yourself that is full and joyous and ... And yet, this relationship disappointment opened up a fear of loneliness that's been lurking under the surface for awhile.

You may not have dealt with loneliness and the fear of being alone at the traumatic deaths of two of your loved ones. At the time that was a good coping mechanism. But fear of being alone is not an emotion that can be held down forever. Your pride in your independence may have kept you from approaching your other loved ones, like your children. You probably like the image of the joyful and energetic older woman and I think you may not want your kids to perceive you as vulnerable, needy, tired or sad. But grieving doesn't have to be forever and you may be surprised to know that your adult children would be thrilled to be of help and to take care of you a little. They know that your basic, active personality will not let you stay down for long and that you will soon be back to your full activity level.

Your question of whether a 70 year old can find a man is one that a lot of women are asking. Women outnumber men and GOOD women certainly outnumber good men. But if anybody has a chance, you do! You have a positive attitude. You enjoy a lot of different things. You remain sexy, and you would certainly be an asset to any relationship.

But you may also be asking if you will be lonely for the rest of your life. It seems to me that even if you can't find a man, those kids and grandkids will give you a different kind of love and your job and hobbies will keep you active and busy in a different kind of way. As I have said before, "life is a series of little lives", and this little life of yours may not include a man, but it will include an abundance of love. That will make you life truly "fabulous, active and interesting."

Comments

[basilissa]

Seems that Dr. Mona didn't read the letter very carefully, or else it was badly edited. The writer didn't say that the second relationship ended with the death of her partner, so she is not "dealing with the traumatic death of two of her loved ones." It sounds as if she is far more than 20 years beyond the death of her husband, so I doubt that is quite the open wound it once was.

Second, and this is more to the point, her letter is pretty clear that she and her old friend never got together precisely because neither was willing to betray their current partner. So where does Mona get off saying that he was the selfish and hedonistic one?

It sounds as if they have both behaved honorably, so why pooh-pooh her current scruples while attacking him for supposedly not having them?

[VivaZapata]

wow. advice to the lovelorn really stinks these days.

[Vajara]

Joja...don't put up with this lack of kindness and respect that we often witness in nursing homes. You're right about it. Someone said that we are assholes if we do.

Following a visit to a nursing home last Spring, I called the Omsbudsman who is suppose to investigate abuse and neglect issues reported to them. I reminded her that I'm reporting the over-drugging of the residents as many weren't even aware that we were touching them, and I thought that they were really putting their clients to sleep.

Hey, I think we have gotten used to the idea that these places that elders are housed are "homes." Not true. Most of the corporate facilities all look like hospitals and the staff, for the most part, behave as though our elders are ill and are primarily in need of medical services, especially drugs.

Our teams have given over 5,000 'stressouts' with our elders in nursing homes and diabetic clinics these past 2 years and each week we are attracting more volunteers and students from our university. Please let me know if you wish to develop a Global Touch Project and we'll send you an instructional DVD. Everything is described on our website, so do join our program in giving "...safe, skillful and nourishing touch with our elders."

We do have the cooperation of the City of Las Cruces, NM supporting our effort with their home-care staff members who give 'stressouts' with the Alzheimers' residents in Las Cruces home-care programs and in nursing 'homes' every week. My students in our "Social Work Practice with Elders" courses and community nursing students at New Mexico State University are also actively involved. http://jerryvest.pages.web.com/id14.html

[nisha]

Dr.Mona should allow this woman some credit for not wanting to mess up another woman's relationship. After all, it takes two hands to clap, and the world would be a better place if women did not go about stealing men from other women if they felt like it, just so long as they didn't know the other. Bad advice, Dr. Mona! In any case,this guy was announcing that he has a "girl" friend-- whatever that may mean at an age by when one would expect people to grow up--to make the point that he was NOT sexually available, so Dr. Mona is wrong about that too. The only good advice here is to go to one's grown children for family warmth. My question is whether that is even permitted nowadays, when one is expected to go through life switching partners.

[BillLumbergh]

I'll second the motion; get a cat.
People suck.

[clumberfeet]

34th wedding anniversary approaching.
Like wine or cheese over time lust has mellowed into something closer to love and we are not alone.

[badmormon]

I agree with LordMoon, I am surrounded by family and have a wonderful wife of 37 years, yet I am alone, we are so different. My world view and the world view of my wife is so different it is as though we each lived in a seperate universe. An yet I love and respect her. I am looking for an answer!

[Delphine]

Man I get tired of reading how wanting a mate equates with "fear of loneliness". Wanting to eat lunch does not equate with "fear of starvation". It equates with part of being human.

We're human and we are hardwired to connect and it's NATURAL to want a partner. It's not about something effed up inside or fear of loneliness or unability to deal with the quiet or whatever. It's the human drive to associate and the human need for touch and companionship that makes us long for partners, not something "wrong" with us.

[BlueInARedState]

The trick is to like your own company, to rejoice in the silence. Those are the moments many of us hear the still quiet voice of our Source/Higher Self/God/Spirit Guide, whatever you want to call it. When you can be happy alone, no one can make you unhappy.

[LiberalLo]

Here is some unasked for advice from a 70 something live alone, love it person. It is far better to be alone than to wish you were. Tried it both ways and ALONE is BETTER.

[melakfilms]

(Continued from last post...)

Now, years later, my soul has become steeled against the multitude of friends and family who constantly, insistantly try and buttress my faith that another love will come along. These people live in a dream world. I imagine the most annoying and insulting comments to come from some in closest quarters would be much along the lines of, "Hey, you should find someone who's HIV positive to marry..." Nice. Comforting. Now I'm a leper.

Having said all this, I will go on to declare that I had an incredible run in this life, filled to the brim with loves, romances, excitement, travel and unimagined zeal. There are people on this Earth, I believe, who never know romance, who never experience the comfort of BEING loved. This gives me pause. It's made me a better writer.

And hey, who knows, maybe ten years from now we'll log on to Huffington post to see the giant headline, "CURE FOUND". To dream...

[melakfilms]

"Being Alone": Part 1

I'm a screenwriter with strike-time on his hands right now so I wanted to comment on this article. I imagine the element that drew me in to this blog was the "Being Alone" segment of the title. I'll turn 40 in the fall of 2008 but have been alone for years.

Back in 2000 I was galavanting around the world, living mostly here and there in Africa. I loved the people, the cultures and lots and lots of scotch. When in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia, I met a young woman who enticed me in ways that brought instant clarification with Paul Gauguin's island girl works. So drawn in was I that marriage was spoken of, dates set and so forth. I returned to the states to get my home ready for her arrival, the thoughts of our future children scampering about the tiny allotment of lawn that most Los Angelinos are given. When my blood test (still required for marriage in Ethiopia) came back HIV+ all was dashed. Seems an over abundance of galavanting mixed with years of scotch can lead to horrifying decisions. No more marriage. No children. No future.

The last time I saw her was the summer of 2003. She loved me, yet not enough to endanger her own life or that of offspring that might arise from my now infected loins. I wasn't sure who to feel more sorry for, her or myself. I returned home and submerged myself ever deeper into the Johnny Walker Black that removed any trace of resolve or reason.

(Continued in next post...)

[joja]

My advice to the questioner:

The grass is always greener . . . or so it seems.

[bethinCary]

I think the word "lonely" is an illusion.
Depending on when in your life you are happening to read this word-you can see the glass as half-empty or half-full. There are plenty of things that one can do on ones own to stay busy. Sometimes it's actually good to be able to get out from the judgemental ties, prejudices, and negativities of others in order to find ones' own sense of peace or serenity.
For arguments like the one above-with the woman getting excited about a guy calling her. It's these kinds of ego-driven propaganda that keeps women thinking that they "need" a man. What she actually may just want is some attention-which she could find elsewhere or could make the choice to call a guy on her own. It's not like a woman should feel beholden to antiquated mating rituals. A woman can prowl just as easily as a man (if she chooses).

[goldcoastsailor]

Everyone is always alone. Lovers are idiots, old friends stay on. I've been married 38 years, my lover turned into a friend.