Dr. Mona Knows... How To Handle Family Holiday Dysfunction

Q: Every year I go through the same anxiety. It is the season of seeing the whole family and hearing their muted complaints and their veiled shock that my life doesn't seem to be moving forward. I am a 35-year-old single woman with a career in advertising. I love my grandparents, my parent, my siblings, and my nieces and nephews. It would appear to be a picture-perfect family gathering with the cooking, the gifts, and the singing. But there are also the tensions, the arguments, and the crying. I approach the Thanksgiving day with fear and then when it is all over, I feel relieved that it has finished and that I actually enjoyed it. So, why can't I enter into the day calmer and more relaxed?

A: A good question and, believe it or not, a universal one. Why is the picture of home and hearth full of peace and love, while inside our fears threaten to ruin the day? What is actually going on? Would understanding the process help us to focus on the pleasure? Let's try.

Dysfunctional! Everyone uses the term as a family that has its share of problems. We are not talking about the top level of dysfunction which may include serious issues like hatred, violence, danger, extreme jealousy, isolation, etc. What we are talking about here are the almost universal aspects of sibling rivalry, difference of opinion and lifestyle, and freedom and security to express anger. In this case, almost every family is dysfunctional.

Expectations! Why do we think that a full and rich day with our family is not supposed to include some unhappy moments? There will be joy and laughter along with disagreements and frustrations. Children may expect unconditional support from their parents for whatever their lifestyle. As for the parents, they see continuity - their children living as they once did - as both respect and love. In other words, everyone arrives at the festive day with their own set of expectations. And everyone arrives with the certainty that they will undoubtedly be disappointed. So anticipation of pain breeds anxiety. How about entering the situation with lower expectations?

Performance Anxiety! Every person has a role or position within the family. This role rarely changes throughout life. Sometimes a parent brings me a depressed child for therapy. As the child improves, as the depression lifts, the parents inevitably become distressed themselves. The order of the family has changed. Roles have shifted. Everyone loses balance. So, whatever role you play in the stage of your family's play, you will experience performance anxiety before the play opens on Thanksgiving. When I suggested to an actress that she distance herself from pain by treating her relatives as characters in her play she said, "It didn't work! My mother kept upstaging me!"

Humor! If we accept that every family including our own is dysfunctional and that we need to protect ourselves by lowering expectations and having set roles to play, then we can begin to see ourselves as a sit-com family and begin to recognize the humor in all situations. Step back, lighten up and watch it all as if it is an enjoyable TV program. Humor is a successful defense mechanism against inner chaos and anxiety. Therefore what better way is there to enjoy the holiday than to defend yourself from your own pain by laughing and enjoying your own Thanksgiving sitcom. They're all turkeys.

So arm yourself with these points and be aware of your own specific needs and fears as you yourself have presented them. Listen to yourself. You may want to ask yourself if you are not projecting onto your family your own disappointment with your career and your social life. If you are actually happy and secure with your own path, then you can arm yourself against whatever anyone else feels about it. And if a family member persists in placing you in the role that you may have been given since birth, in this case as the family's designated loser, then it is past time for your to embrace your holiday role with humor.

Watch it all, have fun, and eat well!!

For more tips on preparing for the holiday season, click here for more from Huffington Post's Living!

Comments

[dora rice]

I don't not go see dysfunctional family on holidays. I can be with my husband alone and enjoy the holdays. We do go see them when we are bored and and have free time and it's quite entertaining how dysfunctional they are. But they never ruined my holidays.

[clumberlover]

as i sat between two of my aunts as they argued whether or not the figure of the virgin mary and child appeared on a pancake or in scrambled eggs...i just started laughing...i will not suffer silently

[olda]

Yes sometimes when it hits the fan it can also cool it off I much perfer the bright side too -peace and kindness to all.

[macfee]

I have a friend who thinks "Thanksgiving" is some ancient dialect meaning tickets to Aruba.

[arcangelica]

be grateful you have a family to get irritated at.

[deedrdo]

take a zanax and have a glass of wine. it gets me thru the day with family just fine.

[talkingdog]

Dysfunctional?

Please.

I have THE most dysfunctional siblings in the world.

Older Sis and Bro hate their Mommy, making life for everyone else really rotten. They think they're smarter than everyone else.

Really they're insecure.

We (the rest of us) make do.

[ObamaEdwards]

There is also another option--one I never see suggested in the many advice columns that are offered this time of year to help people cope with their families. Try this:

Don't cope. Your family really is abominable. If they behave stupidly and won't learn or grow or leave you alone, stop visiting them! Not kidding. Tell them you're sick or you have to travel on business. Turn off the phone. Now buy some good wine and rent a stack of DVDs you really want to see. Or go out and treat yourself to a gourmet Thanksgiving meal at a restaurant. You deserve it, for successfully ditching your stupid family.

No guilt. You gave them a chance, and they blew it. Family isn't everything, despite what every media outlet in America says. They're just afraid to admit it: Some families stink and the sooner you can get away from them, the better.

Love yourself. You're all right. Have fun. Be sweet to yourself.

Happy Thanksgiving.

[BRUMALIA]

Excellent tips!!

[sparkandy]

My family is dysfunctional. I had a lover and friend until he broke my wrist and tailbone in December and tried to stab me in May. He's gone. My brother, who is here with me today, is bi polar and can't sleep in his own house because the wiring causes unwanted music. My son just got out of prison for transporting drugs for my poor, beloved, foolish, late ex husband. My daughter is thousands of miles away. I'm having surgery on my elbow (the other side from the one that got broken) because of micro trauma from working 10 years in a call center. I have two jobs, but am still not making ends meet, and unless I can sell my house, the mortgage company will be moving me out by Valentine's day. I owe credit card companies and the IRS tons of money because when I threw out my abuser, I also threw out his income. We're REALLY dysfunctional.
However, aside from the doctor telling me my blood pressure is so high I might drop dead any moment, I have my health. My kids are healthy. My son has decided the best way to live is work his butt off and stay clean. My dogs and cats are happy and healthy. Someone gave me some money so I could buy a ham for dinner, so we'll be eating well this year. Tomorrow I'll go to job number one at 7:30am and spend 6 hours kissing puppies and cuddling kittens. The sky is blue, the trees are finally turning, the coffee tasted great this morning, and at some point today someone or something will make me laugh.

It will be a great Thanksgiving.