How To Fix A Financial Freak-Out

Q: I am really fuming at the moment. Let me tell you what happened.

I live in an affluent rural area and my husband and I work very hard to support our five children aged 4, 9, 11, 14 and 15. They are all good students and they all help out around the house and with the baby, Jennifer, and in our small catering business. We were saving money and we hoped to be able to send them all off to college. In this economy, however, not only have our investments suffered but so too has our business. Obviously, sending our clan to college is becoming more of a dream than a reality.

In an attempt to save money, we are cutting back wherever possible, like daily help at home with house work and babysitting. Thank goodness, I have a best friend, my next door neighbor Betty, who has young children of her own and who will take my baby if my kids are at school and I am on a job. This is helpful and I used to think the kids were safe with her.

But yesterday, I dropped off the baby and found her house to be just plain chaotic and filthy. I was hesitant to leave my child there but there was nothing I could do. Betty told me not to worry, that all would be fine. Today, she asked me for $100 for cleaning help. Betty said that the house had been dirty the day before because she just did not have the time to do what was necessary. Now with another child to watch, she simply needed help. Betty said that she knows I was distressed by the mess, so she thought that getting help would be one way to deal with the situation.

I freaked out!!! I grabbed Jennifer and told Betty that I would never bother her again with baby-sitting. I continued to scream about the rudeness of not having asked me ahead of time. I said that if I knew she was going to start charging me, I would have hired my own babysitter who would then focus only on Jennifer. I hollered that there is no way I was going to give Betty the money as it was not something we had agreed on before. I continued my insults by calling her a user, a low-life, and a bitch. As I walked out the door, I added that not only was Betty inappropriate but she couldn't take good care of children if she didn't know how to treat a friend and her own home was so chaotic and dirty.

Now what am I going to do? Now I will have to spend money for daycare or I will have to stay home and let my husband take care of the business himself. I feel I don't want to see Betty again, at least for now. I do believe she was wrong, but I do miss the many years of friendship. I also feel like there is no one helping me out during this very rough period.

A: You remind me of what's happening both in the country in general and in congress and how everyone's reacted to the exorbitant bonuses that were given to executives at AIG. Of course, AIG and Betty were both inappropriate. Of course, we would love to be able to punish by withholding money or by breaking off a long friendship. Of course we are all feeling powerless as we watch our net worth, even our standard of living, decline. We feel as if the economy's failing us, falling rapidly, and seemingly leaving us to take care of ourselves. We all did the right thing and yet somehow we are all being punished. Anger takes us over. All we can feel is our own red-hot fury and we respond instinctually and immediately to that.

And that is the danger. Anger is something one doesn't want to respond to immediately. When the anger begins to recede, we can see more clearly the whole landscape of the problem. Sometimes we have to adjust to a very frustrating situation because realistically that may be the only resolution.

Like many others, you are really feeling pinched. You reached out to someone you thought you could trust. You leaned on her to help you cope with all the many responsibilities in your life.

With the economy as a whole, it appears that we are all being asked to help others who did not do the right thing. If you don't work out an arrangement with your neighbor, you will have to spend money for daycare or you may not be able to work. In the case of the country, we are being told that even though others have done wrong, we will all be destroyed if we don't help out. None of these explanations soothe our anger, but after the anger passes a bit, they tend to focus us on what needs to be done -our futures and what we personally need. If we focus on that, then we can act in our best interest.

When you cool down you'll see that you need Betty -- not only for friendship, but also to help you out, no matter what she has done. In the case of the country's financial crisis, we hope that our compromises will restore prosperity. We have to be doing something -putting away our totally unproductive anger and instead focusing on what had to be done. We are learning the truth of the old adage, beggars can't be choosers.

In our personal lives, when we feel anger, a good piece of advice has always been to take a deep breath and count to ten. Hopefully by the time you get to ten, you may be able to think more clearly. If not, just keep counting. If you are in therapy, your shrink will most likely ask you not to act out of rage. It's not a time to make decisions. Your anger may well be warranted, but it is almost never in your best interest to act on it. Think things through. Anger may be cathartic, but it is not productive.

It's also possible that your anger stems more from your fear that everything's going to pot and your frustration at losing control over parts of your life than the actions -no matter how galling -of a single individual. When we focus our anger on one person, we effectively distract ourselves from what really scares us. If we are angry at the government or financial executives, that's understandable. But Betty is not them and she has her own problems.

My suggestion to you is to apologize to your friend, tell her you cherish her friendship, and offer food from your catering business in exchange for babysitting. I bet she accepts -with a thank you and hug that both of you can use.

Comments

[JustAThought56]

If you are getting something for free, especially something as valuable as childcare, you can take it or leave it. You have no business overtly indicating dissatisfaction unless you are paying for it.

Going off on the poor woman for making a suggestion to address her dissatisfaction was utterly unacceptable behavior, and sounds borderline abusive. She certainly owes an apology, and she has no reason to hope that it will be accepted. I would accept it to keep things cordial but I would never extend myself to her again.

Does she think her neighbor is immune to the economic crisis? We are all affected. If all she has lost is some of her savings and business, she is luckier than many. She and her family are healthy, in a house and up until she let her inner Naomi Campbell diva take control, she had the support of her neighbors.

One of the things that forced me to take responsibility for my behavior and its impact on others was the consequence of acting out like that. Her neighbor was a godsend and she abused that. I hope she has to deal on a deep level, because that is the only thing that will teach her to keep her behavior in check the next time she feels like acting out.

[nowalnuts]

Maybe if Betty was really this woman's "best friend" like she says, she could have found a few hours to help Betty clean her house so it met her standards instead of calling her names. It is not a privilege to watch someone's kid for free. It's work and it can get messy.

[pickwickianmom]

I hope Betty never forgives her. This woman just wants free babysitting and wants to feel superior and call all the shots while she's at it. She's a user--not a friend.

Betty tried to be a real friend. All she's gotten for her trouble is someone taking advantage of her kindness.

[pickwickianmom]

Here's what I think happened:
The friend didn't want to raise a fuss, but was starting to resent having the baby dropped off willy-nilly with no offers of compensation. I think the friend should have offered something --even if it was cooking an extra dinner for the friend's family since she was babysitting all day.

When the house was dirty, the friend got the hint that ms. caterer was offended. She was then a little more upfront--her way of asking for the caterer to pay her a little was to say it was going toward housework. Or she was just plain annoyed at the way caterer behaved when she saw the dirty house.

Calling someone names because they aren't doing favors for you is deplorable behavior. I would never want to be friends with Ms. Caterer. Her financial problems are no excuse for using someone and then screaming at them and calling them names---probably within hearing of the children.

And then she basically said, "Look, if I was going to actually PAY someone to keep my kid, it certainly wouldn't be YOU.' How insulting. This babysitter friend should just realize you can't help some people. She tried to help caterer out, but caterer is too self-centered. Lousy example for her kids. Horrible "friend".

[hoodie]

I used to think the kids were safe with her???? Look, there are times my friends ask to drop off their kids and my house is a mess because I have focused on the children, not the mess. She got the hint you were not pleased and she asked you to help back. Go ahead, hire a sitter but will you have the same piece of mind as you did with Betty? I doubt it. The only way we are going to get through this mess is to work with each other. Way too much of it is all about me going around.

[dadw5boys]

Republicans often do not want to pay or think an offer to help them out sometimes is a contract for full time slavery.
It never crosses their ming they should pay a little once in a while for the service that was offered in friendship because they have never had real friends and do not know how to deal with other people on that level.

I have 5 friends I would mortage my own home for if they ask with a second thought.

But they would never ask unless it was life or death.

[lindasha]

This lady takes total advantage of her neighbor, has the audacity to look down her nose at the neighbor's housekeeping, and then calls her names when she wants to be compensated????

This person has some problems, but money is the least of them. If I were the neighbor I'd not babysit for this ingrate again, no matter how much she apologized.

[picard922]

Harrumph. I am not usually eager to make up with people who have just heaped personal insults on me. Yes we are all stressed. Yes we are all dealing with new, unusual and uncomfortable limits. Yes, we are all afraid, whether we want to admit it or not. Yes, this can cause us to lose our poise and our temper. Taking out one's personal frustrations on others is irresponsible and destructive. To paraphrase, "hit me once, shame on you." Hit me twice? Not on your life. I think this person foolishly shot herself in the foot.