How To Prevent An Ill-Fated Marriage
Q: Most people are really thrilled when they announce their daughter's engagement. I am actually quite miserable and embarrassed. I don't know if I should go ahead and unhappily make the wedding preparations or if I should state my negative opinion and announce that I will not be supportive or involved in the plans. I don't know which direction is the better parenting choice.
My daughter, Jill, lost her father quite suddenly and traumatically when she was five years old. She is now 18 years old. I don't know how many memories she has of her biological father nor am I aware of any distress that she felt at the time or after. She doesn't talk about it. Jill has, however, always been close to the men who have entered in my life since her father died. I married one man, Peter, and she called him "Daddy" for the five years that the marriage lasted -- between her ages of 10 and 15. Jill was quite distressed when we split, rejected Peter quite emphatically and has refused to see him since the divorce. After that, every man who entered our home enjoyed her attention and she seemed to enjoy the men in return. At the moment there is no man in my life, but there is a man in her life.
She has now brought into our home an artist, Robert. He's 32 years old. That in itself should be a warning signal. But, even worse, Robert has never earned his own money and he seems to be quite happy to just move in and become another child. Jill has her own small inheritance from her deceased father and I have been able to live comfortably on my own inheritance, my salary, and the benefits of an inheritance that provides specifically for her. I don't have the right to withhold that monthly stipend. If she moves out of my home, what we used together from her inheritance will go only toward her needs. That is okay with me, but I do not believe Jill or Robert have any idea of what things cost. I do not believe that her inheritance alone will support them or the baby, which they frighteningly mention occasionally. Unless they grow up and earn some money, this will be a disaster. They will end up returning to my home, both as children themselves, and I will then be taking care of not just one daughter, but a daughter and a son.
What do I do?
A: Of course you are right to be concerned and you are certainly on top of the obvious issues. But you did not ask what is going on with your daughter. Instead, you are only asking how to stop this marriage. You probably can't. The reason for this is that your daughter is going through a rather obvious - but unconscious - attempt to rewrite history. Let's review her issues and then maybe you will find the clue of how to handle this situation.
Right from the top, even though Jill has never indicated any distress over the sudden loss of her biological father, an event like that cannot occur without its producing emotional debris. By denying the impact on her, she has been able to continue her life with a minimum of distress. However, any unresolved issue will re-emerge at important, stressful moments of life without our actually being fully aware of the previous trauma. Jill did survive her trauma - but it affected her nevertheless. It's a part of her life. It's a big part of her life. She lost her father at a young age, quite dramatically and suddenly.
Jill has missed the family as a typical two-parent home. In addition, she has missed the older male, the father, to help her find her femininity and sexuality - the elements of self-esteem that are so important to a girl and, later, a woman. She thought she had it for awhile with Peter or "Daddy." But when your relationship with him disintegrated, she had to once again forcefully deny the important position he had in her life. Naturally enough, she didn't want to repeat the extraordinarily painful abandonment and emptiness she had experienced once before. So, she just threw Peter out as if he didn't exist and she resumed her search for someone to fill the emotional hole in her life. Needless to say, Robert fit the bill. She doesn't care if he earns money. She doesn't care if he is independent or wants to live on his own. She just needs to rewrite her own history. She wants to find the peace she did not have as a child. Robert can live at home with her and you. You will all be a whole family again and Jill, at last, can have a mother and father.
So, can you in any way stop this inevitable train wreck? Probably not! Jill needs to recognize that her real needs are not rooted in her love for Robert, but rather in her childish need to find the security that only a real "Daddy" can provide. Sometimes, we all have to just make our mistakes and to try and learn from them. If Jill marries Robert and eventually finds that he also does not give her the security and love that she has always wanted from an older man, she may in that moment find the strength to face the reality that Robert is not her real "Daddy." She will then feel the original pain and the original anger and the original loneliness from the original trauma. She will have to face that she lost her father. It hurts, but she cannot deny reality. That particular hole in her life cannot be filled. Such is life.
So, what do you do? Stay close to her. She will need you in the future. If you embrace her and Robert, she will not be able to blame you for the inevitable demise of a marriage based on an emotionally wobbly foundation. And if you don't create problems for them -- if you become their ally instead of their enemy -- you may be able to exercise some positive influence. For instance, try just asking them to hold off on children. Tell them just to enjoy their time together. See if that works and then watch the fireworks begin!!!!
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This is tragic - everything in this scenario is wrong and the mother is virtually powerless to stop it.
I think I would encourage the daughter to wait to actually marry. Encourage her to get her own place with the guy and live together - but not marry. They can always marry later. Sell your house and get something smaller to help discourage the idea that your home is waiting for them.
Tell her she needs to postpone having a child until the husband has a steady, reliable, paying job or she will be sorry for the rest of her life. Be honest with her.
People like this are all about using other people until they suck them dry - and they then spit them out and move on to their next victim. He sees the mother and daughter as a fabulous two-fer. He can imagine being able to leech off not only one person - but two. He's highly manipulative and clearly knows what he's doing. He's already manipulated the mother into a position where she think she'll actually have to accommodate his needs someday.
Don't let it happen or you'll pay for it for years - probably 5-10 - with a child - forever.
Make it clear to your daughter that she will always be welcome - but that the leech will not.
^
"How To Prevent An Ill-Fated Marriage"
Don't marry.
Gay Grandpa's Blah
18 and pregnant! HOLY CRAP BATMAN! Honey get a grip or get some depends immediately.
There are two times in life when it is important NOT to lose your sense of humor, the first is when you find yourself with a teenage daughter! And the second is when you are dying. Both can be...ahhh emmm...let's say challenging! lol
I remember my mother-in-law screaming at me about my daughter when she was fifteen saying, "DID YOU SEE, DID YOU SEE all the carvings she has put in her legs and arms, DID YOU SEE all those names?" My daughter was into that cutting yourself thing for a few years and wrote a lot of boy’s names into her arms and legs...which could be distressing if you let it be I guess. I said to mother-in-law, "Yes I did see but I didn't see any phone numbers, HELLO!"
let her get married , make him sign a prenuptial, and she will divorce the leech in about two years, when the lust wears off. Let him sign a prenup, so if he wants something by the time they get divorc ed he gets half, compare to nothing if he doesn't work.
Q: I have just stabbed myself in the eye with an icepick and am now awaiting further pain in the form of lemon juice which I have just squirted at the already intensely painful injury. I always wanted a pet parrot but couldn't afford one. I don't know how it is that I'm typing so fast in this slow-motion moment but I can't seem to move my head fast enough to dodge the lemon juice. Is there anything I can do to prevent this horrific pain from becoming even worse?
A: No. And what possessed you to do that to yourself?
Oh, horrors. Marriage?
Most of you get an F in cognitive reading. In reverse order: She didn't blame her daughter for not talking about her father's death, she lamented the fact; the author doesn't say that father's should sexualize their children. She said father's help daughters discover their femininity and sexuality, One is dressing your seven-year-old up like a hooker one is a much more subtle effect that is affected over the course of years and happens on a much more subtle and subconcious basis. I'm still not sure exactly how this happens, but as the father of two daughter's I do understand the subtle cues and learning that must happen when we tell our girls to go get changed because they look a tarty, or to sit with your legs closed. Girls pick up cues as to the existenece and then the power of their sexuality by the way they wield it consciously or unconsciously and how the world reacts. A Father, being the opposite sex, has a big role in this development. No one said anything about the religious right, AngryWomyn420. Finally, this woman did not expose her daughter. No last names or geographical data were used. There is no way to know her identity. Sheesh! Talk about projecting your issues on to other people and things. Get a grip
Rule #1: Don't get married!
...OR, you can say, see Sonny? He's single and happy all the time!
I suggest that this mother's description of what's going on is one-sided in the extreme. In addition, I'm 63 and my partner of 6 years is now 29! We're fine, and neither of us is 'missing' a father or son. We simply love each other.
Mother: Keep your own council and let your daughter keep hers. If she marries and they end up broke, do not let them move into your home. That has to do with your life and IS your choice.
Let them make it on their own - as they should.
She's not the first 18 year old to fall for a 32 year old.
One thing I wouldn't be doing is airing your family's problems for all the world to see. Why isn't this something you are tackling in private? Do you think it's fair to expose your daughter's private life because you are unhappy with her choice in a man?
My father is 13 years older than my mother. When they first started dating, grandma said she wanted to sit down and have a nice talk with the suitor, but instead had some thugs there to try to beat him up and tell him to get lost. Mom moved out that day and never went back.
They've been married for over 40 years now.
Sometimes fatherly or motherly instincts are wrong, and unless there are signs of abuse or illegal or severely harmful activity, at some point you just have to butt out.
amen clb72!
"In addition, she has missed the older male, the father, to help her find her femininity and sexuality - the elements of self-esteem that are so important to a girl and, later, a woman."
Really? Is this based on some empirical data? Sounds like untested psychoanalytic theorizing to me. And more than a little creepy.
It's what the religious right believes. That we girls all need a daddy to "sexualize" us, teach us our "place".
Why would mom allow her daughter's boyfriend to "move in"? Sounds like mommy has some boundry issues. Sounds like daughter is running the show. Never, ever, should a parent allow a child's boyfriend or girlfriend to move into their home. This is inviting all kinds of trouble. Now you have an unemployed stranger in your home, and all issues with him now become your issues as well. You could find yourself the odd man out in your own home. And that's just the tip of the iceburg...
Agreed! Supprting them emotionally is one thing; allowing your MARRIED child and their spouse to live with you opens up a whole can of worms and stunts their emotional growth. It's one thing if your kid is going through a rough patch (say, lost a job, is fresh out of college) and they need to live with you for lack of somewhere else to go. Quite another if they and their partner want to live with you so they don't have to get a job!
In college I had a room mate I was very close to whose boyfriend was moving to town, she wanted to know if he could stay with us for a few weeks while he looked for a place and a job. Two years later he was still living with us, never got a job, never paid for food or for any rent or utlities. I finally did what I should have done long ago and got the landlord involved; who informed my room mate she'd be evicted if the boyfriend wasn't out by the end of the week. It completely ruined our friendship and we left on HORRIBLE terms. I will NEVER make this mistake with anyone else, including my own children.
"Robert has never earned his own money"
What does this mean? Was he previously living under a bridge, dumpster-diving for food?
trust fund baby probably.
Probably has a little money saved and then goes from girlfriend to girlfriend he can mooch off of. I had a former friend with a boyfriend like that, he was technically homeless! He just moved from girlfriend's house to girlfriend's house; he had never had a job and was 26. He wasn't even handsome, charming, funny, or anything, I don't know how he kept getting these girls to take him in! Probably just found the most emotionally needy girls around who would take in ANYONE who paid them the least bit of attention.
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