Q: I am 62. I am engaged to a man who has been in my life for 32 years. I have been waiting for this moment for 32 years. We have weathered a lot, we are talking through things now, and we have entered into a life with happy children on both sides and happy friends. And yet, I have a lingering mistrust. I can't help myself. I don't want this mistrust to ruin what I've been waiting for forever.
Bruce and I first met 32 years ago. We dated for three years. Neither one of us was married and we were both starting careers. He is a lawyer and I am a social worker. I don't really know what happened at that time, or maybe I just cannot remember. I just remember loving him deeply, respecting him a lot, and wanting to share our lives together. I vaguely remember saying that we were both not ready for commitment.
We separated and we both went on to marry others and to have families. We crossed paths again seventeen years later. His wife had died and I was divorced from an abusive alcoholic. We were both raising our children and we were both successful in our careers. I enjoyed the work I did within a hospital system and he was a high-powered, well-respected, and well-compensated partner in his law firm. Our children got along famously and we developed a strong and cohesive social network. That lasted for nine years.
You would think we would have married during that time. I was certainly ready, but he was scared to enter into a situation only to be hurt again. It had taken awhile for him to get over his wife's death and to adjust to being a father and a mother. So now, he was beginning to want to enjoy the freedom of a single man. He claimed to love me but couldn't commit.
I had to leave him. I felt I had no choice. In fact, I felt like he was forcing me to leave the relationship. He became abusive and domineering like my ex-husband, and I found myself falling into the same pattern of being subservient. My needs were not important and I was always making excuses for him with our wide circle of friends. It had to stop. I had to regain the self-esteem and independence that I had found after my husband and I divorced.
Needless to say I was devastated. The only way I could try to separate from him was to move back to the city where I had lived for a while with my ex-husband and where I still had quite a few friends. I tried to find work there and to revive my social network. I began therapy and started to pick up the pieces of my life. However, I was never really happy. I never could find the quality of life (emotionally and financially) that I had shared with Bruce. I thought of him constantly, but he was dating a lot of women, some for a short time and some for a long time.
After about one year, he contacted me and said we should try to start again. I of course was thrilled. I was warned by friends and by professionals not to return to him, but I did. We discussed that the only way we could know if the relationship could work was for me to return to the city where he still lived. I got an apartment and moved back. But within six months, his abusive behavior and straying eye returned. We broke up again. This time one of his girlfriends actually moved in with him. I was determined to forget him.
You can guess the next chapter. After a year, he contacted me again and said he was ready to commit to me. I told him I didn't trust him and, if we were going to start all over, it had to be slowly. He claimed to understand and he is now trying to communicate openly and honestly. Just to make sure, he even said I can travel with him on his business trips, but I really don't want to have to watch over him all the time.
Bruce is always apologizing for his past behavior and promising me that he will make it up to me. We talk about my feelings and he listens very constructively. So, we got engaged. We are planning a wedding and we are trying to figure out how to fix up the house that he has lived in for over 25 years -the one he shared with his wife. Still, I can't quite feel what I should. I'm still mistrustful. I need to get over this.
A: Boy, you sure do! It is understandable why you don't trust him, but you have already made the commitment to have a relationship with him. In fact, you have made it several times. In fact, you make it whenever he asks. Why don't you just settle in and accept that you want him. Throw the dice and hope he stays loyal and committed this time around.
Actually, your chances are better this time. He is older and probably tired. He has sown his oats and has found after many trials that you are the one he is the most comfortable with. His children approve and his friends obviously approve. He can picture the future with you.
He also probably feels comfortable with the fact that you know all about him. You know his weaknesses and you know his strengths. You also are willing to exist with the memory of his dead wife. You are even allowing him to stay in his old house where he lived with her. You have been understanding about her in the past, and you probably will continue to be. It is possible that his other women showed no such understanding. They wanted him to reject his past and accept them as if no one had come first.
You, on the other hand, have the ability to make a virtue of a bad thing. Probably because of your submissive nature, you are willing to let him keep her memory alive. You instinctively understand that he can love his dead wife and still move on. You can honor her position in his life but you also need to move on to assert yourself. Let her have the past. But you must claim the present and the future. Perhaps someday he will be able to move on to a new home.
Of course, the other women, the many break-ups, and continuing to live in his late wife's home are all elements that contribute to your mistrust. But you've made your decision. Don't hold on to these grievances. Let them go. The only reason to hold on those grievances -and it is not a good reason -is to hold his old behavior over him as a way to both gain power over him and to punish him for the many times he hurt you. This could be the deal you're making: He has the money and he has your commitment and he also has your willingness to live, so to speak, with the ghost of his late wife. In exchange, you you're always going to make him feel guilty. You maintain a position of strength in this one area.
Let it go. Begin this phase of your relationship on equal ground. Let go of the past and face the future.
Congratulations.