One Child's Cry For Attention

Q: I am having a real problem with my son, Todd. He is fifteen years old and seems to be incredibly angry at the whole family, but at me in particular. He is sullen and distant. He seems always to be on the verge of violence. This is my boy. I'm frightened of him.

Up until recently, I thought he was the one member of my family that I didn't need to focus on. His father is in the military and is not around a lot and, needless to say, not very helpful with Todd's problem. I have tried to get my husband involved but he doesn't seem to be interested. In fact, my husband has his own problems. He had periodically fought bouts of depression. He's a man disappointed with his life.

The family is pulled into my husband's distress. We need to reassure him constantly that he is a good dad, etc. He is still in the military, and we have moved at least five times in the last fifteen years. But even with all of this family tension, Todd has been a good student, athletic, and seemed to adjust and to make friends easily each time we moved. It was my other kids who always seemed to have problems adjusting. Todd's two older sisters have already dropped out of high school and moved out of the house. And his younger brother is developmentally delayed and therefore requires a lot of attention, not to mention expense.

So, what has happened to Todd? He was working weekends at our local large home furnishings store as a security guard. He found a store's credit card in the parking lot and used it to charge some items. He was caught and is now being charged with theft. His response to this has been to become belligerent, depressed and uncommunicative. He threatens violence and rebuffs our attempts to help him. In fact, he has threatened to kill himself and so we had him committed to the hospital. In the hospital, he says he doesn't believe he has any real problems. He just complains about me generally as a bad mom, but still calls me and pleads with me to take him home. He insists he doesn't understand why he is in the hospital, pretends to have forgotten that he is accused of theft, and says he just wants to go back to school. He doesn't seem to understand what is going on! What a mess!

A: I cannot believe it took Todd this long to crack-up. He is clearly a survivor and has much inner strength, but he has also learned in his family to act-out when one needs attention. Let's take this situation and try to identify the various elements that have undoubtedly had an influence on him.

His position in the family is the universally understood "lost" position of the middle child. He doesn't have a special position and it seems he never got the attention he needed. The two older siblings as a unit escaped and the younger one requires your full-time attention, the mom. Todd is not the special older, first-born, nor is he the coddled youngest child who, in this case, demands addition attention on account of his disability - attention that Todd feels is due him.

The attempt that he made to be different by being the well-adjusted child must not have worked for him. He found no satisfaction in being the one, well-adjusted and "normal" kid in the family. He appears to have tried to forge his own path, one that was quite different from that taken by his older sisters. He would be the responsible one. That could have given him satisfaction. He was looking for an identity that would make you and his distant father proud. But everyone was too involved in his or her own issues and probably thought that because Todd was the good child, he could take care of himself. He didn't seem to need any extra praise and, apparently, he didn't get any. He didn't seem to need recognition or attention and, again, he didn't get any. So Todd has tried an alternative tact. He's regressed to being a child, screaming and acting out for attention.

For this, Todd has a role model: his father and his need for reassurance during his periods of depression. He has also noticed the dramatic way his sisters separated from the family -- not by following a natural course of graduating from high school and, possibly, going off to college, but simply by prematurely moving out of the home. Even his younger sibling's need for attention, while hardly the boy's fault, comes about from a problem -- not success, but the lack of it. So, the only way Todd could get some attention was not through hard work, adjustment, and success, but rather from a problem. He knew he should not use that credit card. But he had a need to get into trouble and to compel his parents to pay attention. This need overcame his better judgment and what, up to then, had been a satisfying path.

The most interesting aspect of this scenario is the age Todd chose for this upheaval. Adolescence is the time to find one's adulthood. This is the time that an individual works to separate from the family, to establish his own identity, and to cease being dependent on the parent. It is precisely at this moment that Todd is making a last-ditch effort to regain his lost childhood. He wants his mom to come and get him out of the hospital. He wants his mom or dad to think for him and to resolve his legal issues. He wants them both to understand what he needs without his having to tell them what he needs. A child's needs are anticipated by the parent and Todd wants his parents to anticipate his needs -- something they probably have not done before. Children hold onto narcissism and magical thinking. Their mommy and daddy will take care of everything.

I am not sure the news is good for you, Todd, or your family. Todd, unfortunately, will have to face the consequences of his actions. He will have to answer for the theft. As his parent, you can help him with his defense, explain matters to his employer and to try to get a plea bargain of some sort. But he stole and he got caught. Adulthood is coming down on him like a ton of bricks.

You certainly need to begin to give him the attention he craves. But in addition, how about focusing on his positive qualities -- make him proud of the aspects of him that he should be proud of : his hard-work, his intelligence, his good chance for success, his self-sufficiency and the exemplary way he conducted himself until he recently went off the tracks. These are qualities that the rest of your family has in short supply. Make him aware of this. If he wants to be different, if he wants to be an individual, this is how he can do it. In fact, this is how he had already done it -- not, as far as he's concerned, that anyone's noticed. One other thing: Give him the love he needs.

All this may help. But Todd is going to have to find his own path to adult choice and satisfaction. My fingers are crossed for him. He took one wrong turn, but hopefully he's not lost - just detoured.

Comments

[spiderbucket]

If you want a career in the military - don't have children. For one thing you won't make enough money to support them. For another, military bases are no places for children. They are surrounded by head shops, massage parlors, liquor stores, and pawn shops. Other military kids can be cruel beyond belief. The schools suck. The housing can be as bad as any project you'd care to see. And they are living in a fenced in and guarded CAGE. The father is away, mother is overwhelmed and the children are subjected to all sorts of things that they shouldn't be at an early age. Then through in the fact that you move every 2-3 years and are often stignatized by non-military families and teachers. The odds are against keeping a marriage together and the chances of raising happy children is slim.

[leevntheus]

as a survivor of life long depression, what I can add is that self esteem is critical to both these family members. Dad's midlife awareness that presents itself in terms of regret and resentment can spill onto the children , who build ill feelings of resentment and hopelessness through teen years.

Each would find help with the same tool - applying themselves to work that builds self esteem. Their are two basics that always achieve positive results : education of the self and helping others.

Learning new things, being acknowledged for that, and achieving a goal that takes time and diligence inevitably leads the depressed person to believe that they ARE valuable and CAN accomplish things and DO have some control over their predicaments.

Helping others gets one out of the emotional hole of self pity and resentment and reveals to us our ability to be grateful for who we are and what we have. Homeless, children, medically infirm, elderly...the list is endless of the people that can be helped by volunteer work. The emotional holes are filled with gratitude of others and in turn makes us feel appreciated and valuable.

Seems simple, buts its like NATURAL LAWS, this really helps (with no medication )

[wakeywakey]

uhm....

i think this parent was a bit out of control here. putting him in the hospital?? not knowing the context or the real validity of his "threats" of suicide, that sounds like the parent looking for either attention or a break, although it sounds like she took a break regarding her "good" son.

carelessness and then not taking responsibility. great lesson for your kid.

[Checquoline]

Amost all military children have some problems. Just when they make close friends, they have to move again. Nothing is permanant in their lives. He needs help with this before other problems are faced.

[AtomiClash]

I all but was Todd when I was his age. My father has chronic pain and by the time I was a teen, he would not come out of his room for weeks on end. My older brother was a trouble-maker out breaking the law and stirring up hell, dropping out of school, stealing and lying. My mother was out all the time working or taking care of her parents with alzheimers and parkinsons. I was the "good kid."

Then, I snapped. I had spent so much of my life hiding ANY emotion that anyone in my house could perceive as negative that it was all stored up inside me. It came out in a rush and nearly killed me. I do not begrudge the people in my life for thinking, as Todd's mom did, that I "was the one member of the family that" didn't need to be focused on. After all, I had, in some part, created myself to be the stable child.

The good news for Todd's mom? He can get beyond it - I did and there are so many more like us. But getting beyond it and getting over it are two totally different things. One of the biggest things I needed was to know I was loved and valued, not only as an individual, but as an integral member of the family - an equal participant in the unit (even when not all other family members participated at all).

best to the whole family

[ConcernedAboutRFuture]

I know of FEW children that are NOT a problem where the father is a failure....either via divorce, indifference or abandonment.

Attention from the father figure is more important than we think.

Poor child!

[nadia z123]

Many young adults with similar backgrounds crackup in their twenties. Perhaps, it is better that it happens now when he is still a juvenile and the long-term consequences are not quite so severe. However, this needs to be addressed immediately. He needs to come home. He needs attention and respect for all the good things he has done up to this point. The greatest mistake that can be made is the guilt tripping that dysfunctional parents put their “good” kids through. It is precisely this attitude of “Can’t you see all the really big problems we are having? Can you try and not add to this pile of c***.” that is so damaging. This kid has a right to wonder why everyone else in the family is more important than him. Parents bear a responsibility to take care of all their children. Perhaps instead of reassuring her husband, the Mother needs to let Dad know that he Is a failure as a father to his older two children already. If he does not pull himself together, he will have another one on his conscience.

[kellygrrrl]

"Up until recently, I thought he was the one member of my family that I didn't need to focus on."

and there you have it

[spiderbucket]

Exactly.