Raising A Child Athlete: How To Do It Right

Q: I have a friend whose child is an athletic superstar. This ten year old has been focused on ice skating since she was four years old. She has been touted as potential Olympic material and the family has sacrificed all to ensure that this goal is reached. Their house is mortgaged, the mother has moved with her daughter to another state for training, and the father and the two younger siblings are at home following their lives without a full-time mother, wife and sister.

As I watch Michael Phelps and the Olympics, I wonder what all of this means. Is the sacrifice worth it? There is no doubt that Phelps's moments on the platform as a gold winner are touching and admirable. But what has he really trained for? What can he do the rest of his life? Will he ever be able to reach those heights again? Is he prepared for the reality of responsibility and family? Does this brief moment in a young man's life set the stage for the rest of his life? Can he be happy?

A: I have had a running discussion with a dear friend who doesn't believe that this sacrifice for a child's athletic goal is worthwhile. In fact, he believes this is almost tantamount to child abuse. And I actually even commented here in the Huffington Post last year on the fact that many child athletes suffer from performance anxiety and may be in need of psychological counseling. With some children, the issue is not their anxiety per se, but whether their anxiety is based on their own ambivalence or resistance to the athletic goal. Sometimes, the parent needs the sport much more than the child does. A family has to ask itself certain basic questions: "Is this really for my child? Who really wants it? Is this more about me than it is about him or her?"

However, having said all that -and emphasizing the need for honest, rigorous introspection -- sometimes the goal of athletic excellence is well worth it. Let's take the case of Michael Phelps. As I have watched this gangly young man win race after race and capture the attention of the world, I have become fascinated by his mother, his sisters, and his story.

As a child, Phelps was a problem kid who was unable to focus in school. He was soon diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder as are many other young people today. Soon he and his sisters were in the water becoming swimming champions. I even read that a third grade teacher of Michael Phelps wrote to the swimmer's mother before the Olympics to say that clearly in third grade it wasn't that Michael couldn't focus, it was that he had not yet found what he wanted to focus on. What does this say about all the young children who are diagnosed with ADHD? Maybe we don't take enough time to find out where they could excel?

My friend insists that intellectual pursuits are what it takes to be happy and successful - never mind the occasional and extremely rare champion. Granted. But some kids just can't find their stride in the academic world. Maybe the best thing for them is to find that one area - often athletics - where they can focus, where their interest is intense and excellence is within reach. Maybe for them athletic pursuits teach about goals and the possibility of achieving a dream. And even if they don't reach the highest levels as Michael Phelps has, they can still learn about teamwork, about motivation, about hard work and discipline, and about success in various forms. If all kids with a learning disability in mathematics are forced to only learn mathematics, my dear friend would not have become the great writer that he is today.

We definitely need to stop labeling what we as adults think are the only routes to success and we need to take the time to observe our kids and to listen to who they are, to how they learn best, and to what are the areas that will give them the best jumpstart in life. And if that is athletics, then that is the route to pursue.

There is also the psychological angle. I have spent many hours talking with parents who have learned to use the intensity of sports to help their child deal with insecurities, shyness, and anger. It is through sports that some children find their identity during the tough passage of adolescence. In fact, a very good friend mentioned that her painfully shy daughter took up horseback riding just to be with her father more. Now, the father and daughter not only spend more time together than they ever did, but they now have a shared interest -a deepening bond. A secondary benefit was the lesson the young girl learned about her own power. The very large horse followed her bidding. The horse did as she wanted. What a great lesson for other areas of her life! And her intense shyness also seemed to be resolved at the same time!

Here is the caveat: Make sure you're honoring the child's desire and not your own. In addition, use this path as a jumpstart for life -- and not the only route in life. It is not the success of the swimming meet that matters, it is the success of how to handle situations, how to work around one's weaknesses, and how to stay focused, disciplined and motivated. Aren't these worthwhile traits no matter what one's career is?

A parent has the enduring responsibility always to teach universal truths - to make the successful child a successful adult. The parent must strive to turn the goal of a gold, silver or bronze medal into the goal of a meaningful, productive, and happy life. As parents we need to give our children the tools to handle the responsibilities of adulthood. We want our children to have the tools to find the life that they want and that they will enjoy.

So, the answer about your friend's child? If the family is in total agreement which means taking into account the needs of every member of the family including the siblings, if the child's desires are her goals and not her parent's, if the parents are including the lessons of the sports training as parallels for life, and if the goals are extended beyond sports' medals, then your friend's child is fine.

And for Michael Phelps? His intense focus on swimming obviously got him out of the possible downward cycle of ADHD. He used his energy for success in the pool and it seems like his single mother set an example of hard work and devotion to the family. He got the medals, but she gets a prize.

Comments

[Fletch17C]

I was an semi-good hockey player in middle school. I was told by coaches that if I kept at it, I would find that next level. I tried my best, but after my sophomore season of high school hockey, I owned up to the fact that I had gotten as good as I was ever going to get. Like everyone else, I wanted to be a star, but the simple truth was that I wasn't big enough, strong enough, or fast enough to ever be anything other than the guy who fed the puck to the guys who could put it in the net. I left the varsity team after that season. My father was disappointed. When I emphasized to him that I would never excel at hockey, he surprised me by saying, "I know that. I just got a kick out of going to the games and watching you play." That was pretty cool. It made me realize that all the pressure was coming from my own desire to excel and not from my dad. After that, I had a great time playing in an Saturday park & rec league, and my dad never missed a game.

The girl described in the article may very well be a phenom, but it sounds like her parents are more interested in raising a racehorse than they are in raising a child.

[Fudgefase]

We are still looking for the quick fix - the money machine - that will mean we don't have to work any more. Phelps has made it. Lucky him.
Millions don't. Parents should think carefully about favouring one child over the others. In spending all your efforts on one, you might miss the talents of another child.
And you owe them more.

[chinationreport]

Here is a mother story: Mother Phelps China endorsement
http://www.chinationreport.com/phelpsfirstendorsement.html

And Phelps China connection
http://www.chinationreport.com/phelpschinaconnection.html

[carsick]

I forgot to mention, sports for my son help him in school by giving him an energy outlet that helps him focus when he needs to in class and in doing homework. Sounds like the same deal for Phelps.

[carsick]

My son has been asked to go into select leagues for baseball and basketball for the last 3 years. He's soon 12. For my kid, who loves team play and is very competitive, I feel that he's not ready or interested in going to the next level. He's having fun and if he's that good there will be plenty of time later for his sports.
On the other hand, we have a friend who's daughter was a ranked gymnast at age seven. She got frustrated with her coach and the hours and the pressure by age ten. She switched sports and recently returned from South Africa as the world champion jump roper in her age group. She loves high level competition at eleven years old.

[djwfutbol]

Well, this is a sports-mad society and there are so many nuances to the experience. All of my kids are athletic, as was I, but only the last is exceptional. This, to our good fortune, because by the time he emerged on the scene, we knew the ropes, understood the process and could keep a cool head. We also had come to understand the difference between a good athlete and a great athlete.

Still, as he is being actively and heavily recruited into the college ranks, we are sacrificing time and money to give him the best exposure we can. Now, I'll be the first to tell you that we are not going to be financially unstable as a result. We are not stressing his well-being or psyche. We're just working through the process, like a family project. Again, it has been a big help that his older brothers and sister are there to rein him in as well as root him on. It must be very hard for people without that perspective.

[SaltySaltillo]

As the father of a child in advanced training in a "useless" sport, Phelps and other athletes of olympic caliber have acquired life skills should not be discounted lightly - skills like goal-setting, self-discipline, self-control, knowing your own limits, understanding failure, physical health, etc. Why would anyone discount any of this. Phelps is in college still. The future is still wide open. But he and many other such athletes are going into the future with life skills that will be with them for the rest of their lives.

[ailbhe]

Sports are great for children but to remortage your home, move away with the kid leaving two young children with their father is a terrible burden to place on the child and the family.

This woman is placing the entire families security at risk for an unlikely to be realised dream.

It is the duty of parents to raise ALL of their children, do not have any that you are not prepared to invest in. This situation may be acceptable if you were dealing with an only child or if you were wealthy enough to support all equally but to sacrifice the future of two other children for the 'career' of one is contemptable.

These parents will probably get divorced, they will end up broke, the child will most likely blame herself and burn out or have a breakdown, the other children will resent both the parents and the 'special' child for being deprived of their security and opportunities that could not be entertained as all the resources were poured into their sibling.

Kids in sports have as much of a chance of winning an Olympic gold medal as they do of winning the lottery. I don't see why the other children should have their lives railroaded for that.

[OnTheCusp]

Great article, but that picture of the toddler doing push ups reallllllly creeps me out!

[Cynth]

Terrific and thoughtful piece.

[chinationreport]

I went to my daughter's 5th grade graduation ceremony. The school spent about 10 minutes giving out award to achievements in math, reading, English, music... but spent one whole hour awarding everyone on all sports achievements including things like champion in push-ups, jump ropes... I was quite shocked to experience that kind of focus on sports and the lack of it on acedemic achievement or musical or social achievement...

http://www.chinationreport.com/

[RobinSeattle]

I played organized baseball during my youth (I even made an all star squad) and still basically partied my butt off during high school, drinking a lot and using pot. In one league I played in, a couple of players on other teams were gang members and ended up quitting in mid-season even though they were good players because they preferred to spend their time hanging with their gang buddies. I played ball because I enjoyed it. I wasn't looking for anything meaningful out of it other than just fun. When I wasn't drunk or stoned or playing ball, I read a lot. I was considered by my teachers to be a "smart C student." It was only when I hit college that I decided to finally get serious and I graduated with honors.

My brother also played ball as a teenager and ended up in jail stil and dropped out of high school.

So sports is no panacea and, personally, I think indulging your child by messing with your household finances and impacting your relationship with your spouse for it is losing all sense of proportion. It is also giving your kid a sense of entitlement that too many young athletes have these days. Such parents are often looking for a payday, too, which is even worse. It is a child, not a piggy bank.

[editoranne]

Michael Phelps has guaranteed himself at least $40 million, so he should now focus on financial management and helping his sisters fulfill their dreams.
The concern I have about the family discussed above is that there are other children involved. Has anyone determined what their goals and dreams are? How much are they expected to sacrifice for the one 'special' child?

[bmora]

PARTII
On a different note, once I got to high school, I was completely self-motivated, which makes all the difference in the world. You should not force or otherwise compel a child to train for the Olympics, unless they have the dream. My two cents¦

[bmora]

PART I
I was a swimmer from a very early age. I was an unfocussed B student at best. I fell in love (no exaggeration) with swimming high school. Studying occasionally was a means to an end. If I failed I could not swim. I loved to swim; therefore, I studied the minimum amount to pass. Swimming taught me extreme mental and physical discipline (any veteran swimmer can attest to this). Like many high school athletes, I tried to swim in the college with minimal success. Finally, I had to give up my dream after realizing that I could not train 5 hours a day and pay for college, books, room and board. This left a large hole in my life. After being pretty downtrodden for a while, I looked towards academics, college debate, as an outlet for all of my energy. With school, work and debate garnering my attention, I had to actually study hard for the first time in my life, which was very difficult (any veteran slacker can attest to this). I had poorly developed study skills, but I had sharpened, over the years of long hours of training and exercise, my mental and physical abilities to a fine edge. Sheer discipline got me through 2 college degrees. I credit swimming for that. In fact, I probably would have only finished a BA, if it were not for sports.