A Lesson From Barack (and Malia) Obama
I know this isn't nice, but I was secretly pleased when the President outed Malia for getting a C on her science test. As a parent I found the news immensely reassuring. Why, the elder First Daughter has as much trouble juggling homework, sports and her social life as my kids do! I marveled.
Granted, Malia lives in a much grander house and vacations in places like Russia as opposed to spending the day at the local grubby beach. If she needs one mom and dad also won't have to pony up $50 an hour for an algebra tutor.
But she also has the Secret Service accompanying her to sleepovers and nosing around her Facebook page (Like she probably even has one. Remember Dad's fight to keep his BlackBerry?). And she's under enormous pressure to succeed in school, all while living under a
microscope every second.
It can't always be fun having a dad who's President, a best-selling author and a Nobel Laureate. Not to mention one who occasionally spills your secrets to the entire world. (Thanks, Dad!) Then there's mom, a crack organic gardener, international style icon, Harvard Law grad, who's as popular as Taylor Swift. How's an 11-year-old to top that?
Appropriately enough the occasion for this betrayal was an education speech at a charter middle school in Madison, Wisconsin. The President was spelling out what schools need to do to win grants from the Department of Education's $4.35-billion "Race to the Top" fund. He wasn't in a particularly forgiving mood. Referring to public schools, he said there should be "no excuse for mediocrity."
Given Dad's high expectations, maybe the C wasn't entirely surprising. It certainly wasn't terrible. (Although I would have hated to be Malia when she told her parents. You know how the President gets that stern look.) As it turns out, Malia quickly bounced back, earning 95 on her very next test.
Here's how Dad explained her turnaround in the Los Angeles Times: "What was happening was she had started wanting it more than us."
And that's the real lesson I think parents should absorb from this. That no matter what your ambitions are as a parent, you can't control how motivated your children are or what they achieve. It has to come from them.
I learned this the hard way. Despite making sure my kids did their homework in elementary school, going online to check their assignments in middle school, emailing their teachers when there was a problem in high school, all the while trying not to be the noxious helicopter parent, they occasionally did not meet my standards of excellence.
In middle school I remember lining up in the cafeteria to talk with my son's teachers about his "progress report." Talk about the line of shame. It was a dreadful ritual. Invariably I'd be right behind the parent whose 13-year-old had perfect citizenship and straight A's. All of which I'd have to hear about while my son looked around anxiously and fidgeted. Knowing that he did not have such grades. Knowing that I'd be angry with his Bs and Cs and missing assignments.
I did not see then that my son, with his ADHD, his charming personality, his prowess at skateboarding and music, had other gifts. Gifts that his overcrowded public school and overtaxed teachers did not necessarily appreciate, much less have the resources to cultivate. I had to accept that he was probably not bound for Oxford.
My daughter has hit similar bumps in her academic career. Last year it was the dreaded English poet Milton that did her in. "I hate poetry," she would fume every night, as she sat poring over phrases in Middle English. "I don't understand it. I don't get why we have to learn this." Her teacher, who could not get enough of Milton, alas, was not particularly sympathetic. Thank goodness she's taking women's studies this semester!
This month she's sending out her college applications. Like a good parent, I'm trying not to ask, "So, how's that essay coming?" every five minutes. A few months ago she broke the news that she would not be applying to Berkeley, her mother's beloved alma mater. "I'm sorry to disappoint you, mom, but I don't want to go to a school where I'm too stressed out." (Not incidentally, we've had similar conversations about the fact she will not be entering journalism, like her parents. Which only goes to show how smart she is.)
My daughter is not me. What a shock. And I suppose this goes without saying, but neither is my son. If I can get out of their way and let them make mistakes, learn from them, grow up, they'll both forge their own distinctive paths.
Just as Malia Obama will, Dad.
Follow Mona Gable on Twitter: www.twitter.com/monalg
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I would hate to see this discussion dissolve into one that concludes there is something wrong with kids who consitently get high marks. Already we're seeing comments that suggest people who get mediocre grades actually do better in life. This is just not true. The pass/fail ingredient in life is a healthy, happy, low-stress and love-filled infancy and early childhood.
In general, people who are motivated to achieve in school are motivated to achieve in life. Starting from a young age, they learned the benefits of working hard and doing well. This is a good thing. People who get high marks in high school tend to earn higher incomes overall (but of course, there are exceptions
The problem is that our one-size-fits-all version of education (shared throughout the world) leaves some children behind. They're motivated by different things. That's our failure, and it's not good for them. It's a hurdle they must overcome, and the more their early childhood fits the above description, the more likely they are to overcome it, and other obstacles society places in front of them.
To suggest that there is something wrong with kids who consistently achieve high marks is ridiculous.
My own daughter who thinks quite highly of President Obama watched the video. When she saw that hers are not the only parents for whom a "just passing" mark is NOT okay, she decided that maybe we aren't so unreasonable as she thought.
nice..
One thing I noticed in my professinal life was that people who got average grades were the more rounded psychologically healthy people. They also were some of thebest at their jobs. There is only so much one person can do. We have to chose what is most important. Not everyone can excell at everything either. We have to find our own interests and talents, Then we have to find a way to use our talents to make a living. Remember it is people who do what they love to do in life are the happiest. Happiness is the goal anyway.
There is the theory that college professors should, of course, pay attention to their A students. But they should also pay attention to their C students because they are likely to come back 20 years later and make the college a big financial grant.
so true! a male college student in the 1970s came up with the idea for a company that makes you pay alot of money for getting your mail delivered faster than postal service. he got a C+ coz teacher said no one would pay that much just for faster delivery. after graduating he established that company and called it.....FED
I so want to sent this post to my sister-in-law. She has been driving her kids nuts over academic excellence.
I totally agree Mona-- we have to let our kids find their own way. This is hard though, like when my daughter gets obsessed with sports to the chagrin of her dorky, intellectual parents. Whereas (of course) my husband HATED sports and his family, which prioritizes that, was always sorry. Hopefully we can learn from dynamics like this. What a lot of pressure for an 11-year-old girl though...
When I was in Middle School my class teacher was very poor in mathematics. Because I was quite good at it she recommended that other students in the class ask me for help with their assignments. I assure you that I learned more about mathematics by helping other students than by trying to learn on my own. Mr. Obama has the wrong strategy. When one of my kids had some problem I asked them: "please explain to me what it is all about". In almost every case they hit the "oh that's what it is" mode and then adjusted swiftly. It is totally wrong/useless to praise or prod children. One must lead them onto the road of discovery where their "fault" (if it was one) lies. Sure, along that road it is OK to give hints or bring up words that the child does not yet know. Sending them back to exercise even more by themselves is a counterproductive trick which does not guarantee that the "repair" will last. In fact, repeat tests have demonstrated that the "repair" has a short shelf life. The same "faults" show up systematically during repeat tests.
You should find the blog about the new math system on here, its basically what you are talking about, a system designed by someone who was a not great student, but taught and learned that in teaching, you learn more about the subject and how to teach it to everyone.
Great advice! My daughter is not me either and I'm trying to respect that and make sure that she is happy in the environment she chooses for herself.
I think the President was proud of Malia and his "outing" had more to do with her improvement and ownership of her work than the C is science.
She will be her own person and she will be fine.
See Kari Henley's Profile
great post!
I remember growing up and being on my own in school. My parents had little involvement. Now parents are expected to be involved in every paper, every assignment, and assume guilt if the child does not perform.
I believe there has to be a middle ground. Getting a low grade is great information- it means you did not study or know the stuff. Good way to beef up. I think the Obama's are setting a great example of striving for excellence and "not tolerating mediocrity
Thanks!
Kari Henley
Hardly.
The contemporary standards of today insure that the only people who are uniformly blamed for a child's lack of academic performance are neither parents nor the students themselves, but teachers.
For all of Obama's emphasis on student discipline and parental involvement, he has still structured a misguided system that faults teachers for everything that goes wrong, regardless of what the contributing factors are.
At the end of the day, talk is cheap, and this half-hearted emphasis on other factors niether redeems or alleviates an educational plan which is hardly bound to achieve the stellar results he so predicts.
I think you should reread (and rewrite) your statement. Pres. Obama did not "structure" the educational system, whether it's misguided or not. Perhaps you feel teachers get more blame than anybody else, but the President didn't do that in this statement, and when he does call teachers to account, he says if they can't teach they should find another line of work. That should be true for anybody, in any profession.
I'm at a lose as to why you find something wrong with the President's asking everybody to share in the responsibility--and the blame--for the problems in our educational system. (?)
It's almost as though you resent the fact that he DIDN'T blame teachers for the failing system.
Your statement is very strange, indeed???
First of all, I am delighted the POTUS knew what his daughter's grade was on a test. So many men, and especially politicians, leave all that children-rearing and education to the mothers alone and they could care less. Second, I am just coming to terms with my 4th grader and her "academic" limitations. It's really hard. We have such high hopes for our kids, but when they do not have that internal drive and organized thought process, it's a draining, nightly struggle. Like the author son mentioned, she has so many other wonderful talents, but we have at least 8 more years of struggle ahead in school....
It's important to remember that everyone is good at something and to encourage that talent.
I'm first going to throw out a GO BEARS!
And then add that while I don't think it was necessarily appropriate for the President to bring up his daughters grades, to well, the world...I think he is an excellent role model for men, for dads.
Anyone wanting to motivate or steer their child need look no farther than their own memories as children to recall how they themselves felt when they were either prodded or lauded. Some children push themselves in a certain direction to please parents and some do the same to spite them. Our kids are not famous for any great achievements but they are happy and well rounded. . . and they take time out of their own lives to be with us, their parents, when invited. There is no such words as success, mediocrity or failure as long as family bonds endure.
No, no matter what, Obama should not be using his daughters ! No, he should have more consideration for them than this.
He told a story about his daughter's success. And he probably discussed it with her first.
Disagree. He was proud of her attitude and ownership of her grades and I'm sure he asked her first.
I agree. The private matters of his daughters' lives should be off-limits, even if they make for opportune teachable moments.
i think from what we can see he has nothing but love for his kids and family. you see him engaged and involved and its a great role model for any person in the world.
agree with brady.
I disagree with the author. This is the role of parents to motivate their kids consistently without pushing them into despair. Setting high goals for your kids at an early stage require a delicate balance and it is not an easy task but this is the task at end. Too often, parents let it go because of laziness or under the specious argument that kids should be let on their own so they can learn from their mistakes. This constitutes the major difference between Asian, Jewish families and many other immigrants steeped into the culture of high academic goals and the resulting success attained by their kids in school and/or in life speaks volume. Look at the current image of CEO's of American industries and of doctors and other leaders, and you will find a disproportionate percentage of Asians, a witness of that culture of love intertwined with high motivation
Being Asian, I have some additional insight into this. Agree it is great to have parents who value education and success, but often children feel valued only for external indicators of success, such as salary and grades. It's all about balance. There is a high rate of suicide amongst students who feel they have "failed" in some way. I know two people in my circle of friends whose siblings committed suicide because of academic "failure."
The author is correct to emphasize individuality and acceptance along with valuing education. One without the other makes for an unhappy childhood.
This column has important comments. I wish it had begun where it ended. And I wish Barack had not used his daughter for public policy. He may pay for his expectation. Hopefully, his family will not. But he he should not be surprised if he pays for outing his daughter in the saddest of ways. I say this with personal experience.
Get a grip. it was a lesson to be shared and it had a happy ending. It would have been wrong if the "C" she got never emerged into a "95" or other words an "A+." It is not outing his daughter and the fact that she learned a valuable lesson that could be an inspiration to other children who bought home a "C" or worse ...it was well worth sharing. I attend church services when I hear very personal stories that actually HELP me in my journey in life. This desire to pretend that everything is perfect and even if it is not...lets not let our humanity show...mus
There is nothing sad about improving to a 95 from a C and it would be hypocritical of him to have a different standard at home than he advocates for everyone. He is aksing young people to take personal responsibility and he is a good role model. So is Malia, it seems.
you're a presidents daughter?
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