Coping with Sexting
Now that we've gotten those infernal tea-bagging parties out of the way, let's get to what's really important: sexting and teens.
I hope I don't need to explain what this trend is, because I'd just as soon leave that to Urban Dictionary or to Good Morning America, which recently held a no-holds-barred Town Hall meeting with parents and teens on the issue. One of those parents was Cynthia Logan, whose 18-year-old daughter was named Jessica.
Maybe you remember the story? Jessica sent her boyfriend a nude cell phone image of herself. After they split up, being the generous guy he is, he decided to pass the photo on to 100 close friends. Faster than you can say Facebook, Jessica's life became the modern-day equivalent of The Scarlet Letter. She was taunted, shunned. Called vicious names. The abuse was horrific. Trying to do something positive, the Ohio teen appeared anonymously on a local news show and talked about her plight. It didn't help. She was so torn up she took her own life.
GMA deserves kudos for the show. I'm always impressed when you can get teenagers to talk about anything, much less a topic as awkward as sex on national television. Experts are always suggesting that if only parents would "communicate" more with their teens about uncomfortable topics, like the wisdom of using their cell phones to share topless photos, life would be as breezy as The Cosby Show. Believe me, we do plenty of that around here and it usually involves me blabbing while the teenagers groan in horror, flee the scene, or cut me off. But you can't let that stop you, right?
Just this week I tried to initiate a conversation in the car with my daughter about sexting. And she couldn't have been more enthusiastic! Had many of her friends been sent these kinds of photos? "Of course!" she sniffed. "That's awful," I said. "Yeah, but there's nothing you can do about it," she said with the unique certainty that teens have.
So just how much a problem is sexting? I guess it depends on how you define big. According to a recent survey by the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, a third of teenage boys and a quarter of girls have seen nude or semi-nude cell phone images that were meant to be private.
This is one more example where we're scrambling to catch up with the unpredictable ways of technology. Who would have ever imagined that teens would use their cell phone cameras so creatively? Clearly not the legal system. Currently teens 18 and under who are caught sexting can be prosecuted as sex offenders, even if it's consensual. Which seems a bit excessive given how severe the penalties are. Vermont thinks so, too, and hopes to change the law so that the worst teens could be charged with is a misdemeanor. Let's hope other states follow.
But we also shouldn't close our eyes. We should treat sexting the way we do other risky behaviors teens engage in: by making them aware, and by creating programs in middle schools and high schools where it's treated as an ethical issue. Perhaps it could be part of a curriculum on sexual self-esteem? Perhaps students who've been victimized could share their experiences?
As we say around here: Don't ask me, I'm just the parent.
Teenagers do stupid and impulsive things. (Not your teenager, of course.) It's part of growing up. It's also part of what makes them so infuriating and bewildering for parents. How can you have done that? you think. But sometimes teens' stupidity has consequences they don't foresee. Consequences so terrible they shouldn't be enforced.
I think sexting is one of them.
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Dr. Jon LaPook: Sexting -- Your Kids May Be Doing It
Video Embed Code: Watch CBS News Videos Online Blog: Sexting...Your Kids May Be Doing It by Jonathan LaPook, M.D. According to a recent study, about...
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I was in the women's movement in the 70's and we fought for choice but I am sad about this.
I remember my teen years and if I thought I would get caught it ment something to me. Perhaps if parents would review the phone pics of under age teens .....
Saving them from themselves is not a bad thing.
Why am I not hearing about any consequences for the boy who forwarded the pic on to 100 of his very best friends?
That being asked, I have to say that sex offender status is way too harsh. Was her boyfriend an unwilling recipient? How about all his very best friend?
Way too harsh, and way too much focus on the girl's behavior. She shared a pic with her boyfriend and he betrayed her. Who is the greater offender?
my judgement is positive: putting all together it's an anti-sharia behaviour
Everyone talks about talking to the girls and teaching the girls to have respect for themselves. While I agree with this completely, what about the boys? It should be just as important for young boys to be taught to have respect for women. Yes, they are young and horny, yes, as teens they seem to do stupid things, but if they are instilled with a sense of respect and dignity they will get less pleasure from seeing a woman being degraded. Why is the problem only the girls? Why do we need to only change the way the girls view themselves? Fathers need to be involved and be good role models. Don't tell there son they should respect women and then in the next breath say how hot some "chick" is on t.v. Or ogle the sports illustrated swimsuit edition like it was made from spun gold.
You make a good point. Our society focuses on "reining in the girls". I am the mother of two boys, and I have always viewed my role in teaching them as just as important as the mother who is teaching daughters.
I think the whole sexting thing comes form a bigger issue. Too many kids are told simply "don't do that, because I said so." Too many parents don't teach their kids to think. Sexting was not an issue when I started raising my children - but because I teach my children to think - I am not overly concerned.
I'm a teacher, I've taught across all levels from elementary to university. The one thing I know is that kids have a great bs meter. If you try and shine them on with conversations about true love and nonsense like that they blow you off and tune you out. Tell them the truth. That the person they think they love now won't even remember their names in ten years. That guys are pigs, and the chance of them keeping a photo like that private is zero. Tell them you know this because you didn't fall from the sky married to their dad, that you were buck wild as a kid and you broke and had your heart broken. Trying to convince your kids that you were an angel is a bad idea. Tell them as much of the truth as is relevant. Tell them that when you were 14 you went out with five different guys in a year and it was a disaster. Tell them that your best friend slept with two guys in a week and that people called her a slut for the rest of high school. Tell them the truth.
Here, here! As far as I'm concerned, that's the only way to do it. My daughter is now 21 and I thank God every day that we never stopped communicating about the awkward stuff, because most of the time I think my kid has a fairly reasonable grasp of how the world really works.
I honestly can't believe what a big deal this whole thing has become. It is nothing new. i am 21 and while i never have been a "sexter" or a user of MySpace/Facebook i know it has been going on among young people since i was in high school. Girls in high school want boys to like them and nudity is a pretty easy way to get their attention. sending it in a text or over the web is an incredibly naive way to do this and parents should have conversations about self respect and sexual privacy with their kids no matter how much you think they aren't listening. Sexual curiosity is perfectly natural but should be explored with a person you can trust especially in the judgemental bubble of highschool
Here's a bizarre idea - think of a cell phone as a teenager's own phone line. Remember when we were growing up? How many of our classmates were gifted with a private phone line by their parents? Very few - at least around me. How is a cell phone any different? Why do so many kids have cell phones? They are disruptive in the classroom and a bar to communication, ironically. The reason most parents give for getting their kids cell phones is to keep in touch but I doubt kids are any more responsible in that regard then they were when I was growing up - cell phones DO turn off.
It is like trying to shove the genie back in the bottle. Or like telling Alexander bell that we all don't need phones. Parents give their kids phones for their own convenience as well as the safety of the kid. How many times have you sent your kid out or been sent out to run an errand and when the kid is out the door you realize one or both of you forgot something. What about when a kid is out late or broken down... you have to have access to a phone. Do you know how many time I broke down or ran out of gas when I was a kid. Cell phones have become a part of our children's lives.
Here is an easy solution. Why not get plans without texting and video capability?
Yeah, get them grandma phones till they are of legal age. Or at least trade their iphones for these if they use them for sexting or are too distracted by all the neat things their phones can do.
(Sure glad my kids are grown up. Whew!)
I prefer my daughter texting over talking: At least when she's texting, she's not irradiating her brain and her ears.
BTW She's in college now, but she's known since middle school -- not from me, but from observing the stupidity of her peers -- that posting/ sending potentially embarrassing pics of yourself is a really bad idea. If you think that your child is dim enough not to learn from the mistakes of others, better have a talk with your kid and POINT IT OUT TO THEM. Or have a trusted older kid clue them in.
you don't even need a grandma phone or an old old one. My husband and I were texting each other way too much when we were working. It was getting really stupid and we both agreed whatever needs to be said can be done speaking otherwise it isn't important enough...
We called our phone company t-mobile and told them to disable receiving all text/picture images as well as sending any. Problem solved and it saves us a ton of money each month on our bill...
Really quite simple and we certainly don't have "old people" phones
I say to all these people defending this practice to take this pledge, When my 15 year old Son or daughter appears nude or has sexually explicit photo's on the internet I will not sue the parents, school or anybody else that could be involved, I will no longer call for sexual harrasament charges on elementary students that kiss at school or maybe get sexually curious.
"Oh, the shock! Oh, the dismay! Oh, where are the heart pills, Mabel?! Call the preacher! Call the police! Call the government!"
They are horny teens with technology. What on earth did you think they would do, pass around YouTubes of The Oral Roberts' Singers from the 60s doing "Something Good Is Going to Happen to You"?
Prosecuting them is the height of hypocripsy. Adults created the technology and this "eat me, baby" consumer-driven body-obsessed culture in tandem with Madison Avenue and Tammy Faye's make-up.
Duh. The kids are just responding.
I think a group effort would be better channeled towards a national apology for making and releasing "The Big Chill", defiling Motown songs, and forcing innocent moviegoers to watch yuppies dance to Smokey Robinson in a kitchen!!
The morale of the story is to make sure when your teen texts nude or semi-nude photos of themselves to friends or acquaintances that they make sure their faces do not appear.
make that moral not morale
It is really amazing to me how far women have digressed in the past 10 years. I grew up during the Womens movement. I, for a long time refused to believe that men abused their wives and daughters. It took quite a while to be convinced but I was. Included they told us just our language and things like porno movies, playboy etc were demeaning to women. Now you want me to accept 13 year old children sex texting. I see my 21 year old niece listening to the most vulgar and degrading music to women I have ever heard. And she says it is just our culture. I do not object to this on religious or sexual grounds. I just want to know from women in general which theory I should embrace. As a man in my late 50's I'm terribly confused.
Sir I do believe what happened was the feminist movement of the 50s, 60s and 70s was stolen and co-opted by Corporate America and used to sell women and idea of sexuality that is unrealistic, unhealthy and worth a ton of money to certain industries. While it is messed up I definitely do not want to return to the days of spending my life ironing cleaning and child rearing.
What's wrong with child-rearing? I rather enjoyed it. Kind of feel bad for the women who feel that raising kids is intrinsically less important than, say, managing a company.
"""Who would have ever imagined that teens would use their cell phone cameras so creatively?""
Probably anyone who thought about it for ten seconds.
It basically comes down to this, nudity is not pornography; boys of my age (too old) often got their first view of naked men and women in the National Geographic, which published photos of people in the nude (granted from other cultures) long before Playboy. This whole tempest is based on the attempts of those who find nudity offensive to impose their views on the teenagers. They are trying to protect the teens from potential targetting by predators, so they are sending them to prison -- give me a break. They are trying to protect them from verbal abuse and social ostracism leading to suicide -- right, so further publicizing their actions with the addition of a criminal record will keep them from killing themselves. The prosecutors are the true predators, using the unfortunate teens to bolster their "tough on crime" reputations. Given the polls that say 20% of teens have sexted, how many cases have they come across and ignored because the kids are from influential families, perhaps even their own?
So, let me get this straight..
Teenagers, who are widely known to be horny and eager to explore their newfound sexuality, are sending naked pictures of themselves, and the nation is surprised by this? Honestly? Haven't famous people been telling crazy stories about getting pictures of naked teen girls (and boys, i'm sure) in the mail for years now? Why is this news? Because it uses cell phones? Big deal.
Talking to your kids about this, and explaining how it's probably not wise to do unless they actually want their personal parts shown to everyone all over the internet, is a very good idea. But really, that's where it should stop. We don't need any legislation over it. We don't need some massive national discussion about it. The only thing that's needed is for parents to pass along a little common sense to their kids.
These teens don't deserve to be punished for exposing themselves to people they choose to. It's their life, their body, their decision. If they end up getting teased over it, so be it. You lie in the bed you make. Live and learn.
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