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Mona Gable Headshot

Dickgate and Headband Liberals

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I learned a new term this morning from that adorable Pat Buchanan. I was driving the 13-year-old to her Catholic girls' school and as usual we were listening at the ungodly hour of 7:15 to "The Stephanie Miller Show." We love Stephanie because she makes us laugh in the morning when we're tired and really crabby. We get a lot of precious mother-daughter bonding in during our 20-minute drive to Hollywood. I also love the show because every time we listen I feel my daughter is getting a priceless lesson in current events. The kind they don't give her at that proper school of hers. Can you imagine her history teacher starting off the hour with, "And now we're going to talk about DICKGATE," or "the role of "Puffy McMoonface, the President's Spokesliar"? I don't think so. For that matter, would she be schooled in the fine sport of quail hunting?

Speaking of lying, my daughter's favorite bit on the show is the "Lying Crap of Sack" song. Which they play every time Bush or some other administration official makes some absurd statement about how swell things are going in Iraq. Or why it's perfectly OK to monitor everyone's email despite a federal law prohibiting such outrageous stuff. You know how teenagers cherish their privacy especially on the computer. That whole email thing has her incensed, I tell you. She is ready to march on Washington over that issue alone.

That and the right-wing nuts trying to ban abortion. Which came up on the news just as we pulled into the driveway at school. "Do they think a 13-year-old really wants to go to school with a big stomach and have everyone know and be embarrassed?" she said sarcastically as she got out of the car wrestling her 30-pound backpack. "If it were a private school they'd probably kick her out."

She has a point. But she wasn't done yet. "Do they think a 13-year-old girl really wants to have a baby and then give it up for adoption?"

The answer is yes, they do. Absolutely, honey. I tried to break it to her delicately that "some people" believe a fetus has the same rights as the mother. But strangely she didn't buy that argument. "A fetus can't even think," she said disdainfully, slamming the door and trotting off in her little gray pleated skirt and maroon sweater.

Can you imagine Jenna and Laura having these kinds of heart-to-heart talks?

Which leads me naturally to Pat Buchanan. Who, by the way, looks even more beet-faced than usual these days. Is he getting more senile or is it just me? This morning Stephanie played a clip of the old blowhard spouting off about Hillary Clinton and how angry she is. As if that were a bad thing! Women love it when you accuse us of being angry!

But then Buchanan got really nasty. And there is really no accounting for his kind of mean talk. He called Hillary--are you ready for this?--a HEADBAND LIBERAL.

Huh?

Stephanie was just as puzzled and confused over this purported insult as I was. What, exactly, is a headband liberal? Does anyone know? It sounds kind of flattering, actually. Someone on the show also pointed out that Hillary's headband days were actually about 30 years ago when she was at Wellesley. So Buchanan was way off on that one. But leave it to a conservative to know nothing about fashion.

I'd already dropped my daughter off so she missed the whole darn thing. I know she would have appreciated it, being the headband liberal she is. She wears them all the time. This morning, as I recall, she had on a blue plastic one with little white clouds. So adorable. Perhaps she and I should start a new trend?

Or better yet--a line of mother-daughter HEADBAND LIBERAL headbands!

Maybe Hillary could get us going with some venture capital money?