Does My Teenage Daughter Get the Rihanna/Chris Brown Thing?
It sure was a big news day. Between Bernie Madoff being led off to prison, Levi and Bristol mercifully breaking up (now there was a stunner!), and Oprah bringing on BFF Tyra and devoting an hour-long show to "all the Rihannas of the world," I had a terrible time deciding what to write about.
So I let Katie Couric help me out. During her broadcast last night the CBS anchor and mother of three daughters stared gravely into the camera and urged parents to talk to their kids about dating violence. Unless you've been in Gitmo or flying around in the space shuttle, I'm going to assume you know why Katie did. Briefly it comes down to two, actually, three words: Chris Brown and Rihanna.
And now, according to People and other sources, the two not only made up barely three weeks after Brown allegedly beat the daylights out of the pop star and threatened to kill her. They are secretly recording a duet for his next album. It's all good! So why was P. Diddy (or Diddy or whatever-his-name-of-the-moment-is) so ticked off on The Ellen DeGeneres Show this week, when she pressed him about the wisdom of lending the couple his Miami Beach mansion for a cozy, post-beating getaway? What kind of example to young people is that?
A little sensitive, are we? Try having someone squeeze his hands around your throat so hard that you nearly lose consciousness.
As it happens, my teenage daughter and I have been talking ad nauseum about the Rihanna/Chris Brown debacle ever since the night of the Grammys, when the baby-faced singer turned himself in to the LAPD. And then when those grisly photos of a battered and bruised Rihanna surfaced on the gossip and entertainment website TMZ. We live in Los Angeles, so it's impossible to avoid these things. In fact, my daughter knew most of the gory details about Rihanna's assault before I did through that impeccably reliable news source Perez Hilton. (This is where readers will undoubtedly berate me for allowing my daughter to go online. But at least I know who Perez is!)
I also know this. Given the statistics that anywhere from 10 percent to 20 percent of teens are physically or sexually abused by their partners, we clearly have done a lousy job of educating young women and men about dating violence. And how serious it is.
This is supposed to be one of those golden "teachable" moments for parents, when you sit them down and say, if a boy ever hits you, puts you down, follows you, endlessly texts you, if he starts trying to separate you from your friends, run like hell and tell someone. But in this case since we're dealing with celebrities, I wonder how much teens are truly going to learn? Especially when the adults around them are saying such enlightening things as, What did Rihanna do to provoke Chris? Didn't she throw his phone at him? Or, he just made a mistake. He's really sorry. He loves her.
Or, as a source told People, "While Chris is reflective and saddened about what happened, he is really happy to be with the woman he loves."
I guess this explains why the young singer didn't make a plea to the two felony counts when he appeared last week in court. He was too happy. Or maybe he had to rush off to Diddy's? At least he had the good P.R. sense to withdraw his name from the Nickelodeon Kids' Awards.
My daughter doesn't have a boyfriend. (Thank god for small favors!) Most of her friends don't either because they hang out with guys in groups. But they do have enough self-esteem to realize that when a boy punches you in the face, or puts you in a headlock, or says he wants to kill you, it's not love. It's violence.
"I'm not going to listen to his music anymore," one my daughter's friends said of Chris Brown.
Good.
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What I want to know is... why aren't more men and FATHERS speaking up about this?!
I read that Rihanna's father was waiting for her to call him... does the man not know that abusers go to considerable lengths in order to isolate the victims and keep them away from friends and family?! This business that has been reported of Chris and Rihanna retreating into secrecy is EXACTLY what perpetuates the cycle of abuse!
"I love you" and "I'm sorry" does NOT cut it!!!
Sorry but you need to stop reading so much TMZ. Chris and Rihanna have only been seen together once in a blurred photo coming back from Miami what 2 weeks ago And Chris is a bit too immature to control Rihanna.
It is Chris and Rihanna's PR teams that are leaking false information. There is no proof that they are together right now.
Rihanna is very controlling and does not want to contact her family for some reason that will be revealed at some point.
I think it's funny that Rihanna's parents cannot get on a plane to America and go to their daughters house to talk to her. I would fly across the world to my daughter or son if something like this happened. And she was in Barbados after it happened. Weird.
The parents are not revealing something too.
My 14 yr old also refuses to listen to any more of Brown's music, but also Rihanna's. She says it's her example as much as Brown's that makes her feel sorry for Rihanna, but not sorry enough to enable more violence. I was so proud I didn't know what to say to her- I just hugged her. I think what she said made more sense than just boycotting Brown's music, standing up for women, boycotting Rihanna's music- what she said nearly floored me- she said if someone as rich and as famous as Rihanna doesn't get it- I don't want to hear what she has to say either. Too sad in this day and age that we still have women in very influential positions over our daughters that don't get it. I feel for Rihanna, I really do, I am a survivor of sorts, but the fact that my daughter understands what I always hoped she would, without having to live through something or survive something in order to get it, gives me peace and pride in areas and ways I have worried about since she was born. Maybe Rihanna's decision will make more girls talk- and maybe more girls and young women will get it too, before they have to survive something of their own.
Thank you. This is how I was feeling about the situation, and I'm glad that there a few young women and parents that feel the same way.
Rihanna is a victim, but she is also a role model, and if she doesnt understand what was done to her is not ok, then she shouldnt be someone to look up to either.
"Rihanna is a victim, but she is also a role model, and if she doesnt understand what was done to her is not ok, then she shouldnt be someone to look up to either."
How is she supposed to understand that when the system is set up in such a way that reported cases of rape and domestic violence are not taken seriously by law enforcement and are not prosecuted to the full extent of the law?
Time and time again... "bad boys" get off scott free... while the women become the focus of the latest "self-help" propaganda!
If society does not address this appropriately... how is a young woman to develop a healthy sense of "self-esteem"?
The "mental health care" system has indoctrinated the whole world to look at these problems as being a function of the "psychology of women". The TRUTH is that these are reflections of a SICK SOCIETY!
Reesie....PS....my daughter is being taught to never stand for a man who would strike her.....AND that is NEVER alright for her to strike a man. I suggest you educate your children the same way.
ReesieKitty....it is NEVER ok for a woman to hit a man. Until you get your mind around that statement, there is no point in moving on with the discussion. You have no idea what happened, so why do you assume he beat the living daylights out of her ? I saw the pictures, and believe me, if Chris Brown wanted to beat the daylights out of Rihanna...she wouldn't have been standing for the mug shot.
Histrionics do not further the discussion.
hotrod- how messed up are you? No, Rihanna should have kept her hands to herself. But- when a 200 pound guy beats the daylights out of a 100 pound girl in a locked car, how can you even call that a fight?? It is NEVER ok for a man to hit his spouse, girlfriend, whatever. There are so many other things Brown could have done- things that MOST men would have done- other than that, no matter how angry. He could have gotten out of the car. He could have called someone to come and pick him up. He could have punched a tree or the car if he really needed to punch something. Anything but beat on his girlfriend. And she was BEATEN. This was not a case of him trying to hold her off - he systematically beat her in an enclosed space that she couldn't escape from - and then went off to P Diddy's a few days later to do some jet-skiing. Great guy- just who you would want your daughter or sister to date, right?
ReesieKitty,
I understand what you are saying but according to Rihanna Chris told her to get out of his car several times while she was hitting him.
I would have gotten out of the car, calmed down and phoned someone to come and get me.
Both of them could have individually stopped this from happening.
YR....are you saying that it matters not that Rihanna started the physical violence ? There you go again, making excuses for the perpetrator.....
So if a two year old child hits me it's okay for me to hit back because "he started it?'
I told my teenage niece and cousins that girls like Rihanna need to keep their hands to themselves and stop attacking and provoking men or prepare to be attacked back. I told them to never ever hit a man.
I also told my son and brother to never ever hit a girl. Now if my son told me his girlfriend was hitting him all the time I would tell him to dump her, as Chris Brown is now learning it never pays to retaliate. If I saw this girl I would have a word with her and let her know that is not lady like or wise to go round hitting men.
Thats the message that needs to be conveyed to Rihanna and Chris.
If a woman loves you she will not hit you, there are other ways to deal with your problems.
If a man loves you he will not hit you, there are other ways to deal with your problems.
I don't understand how no one in their entourage or families did or said anything before it got to this point.
These two did not belong together, fullstop.
The younger members of my family will still listen to their music and watch their videos, that has nothing to do with what happened in their personal lives.
We need to teach our sons how to recognized when they are being abused also and to get out of a relationship before something like Chris and Rihanna situation happens. If Chris would have known that he was being abused when Rihanna was kept hitting him he could have gotten out of the relationship before it esculated into what it is now. Noone should put their hands on another person no matter if its a man or WOMAN. Men should start calling the police and reporting abuse also when their women hit them too instead of accepting it or retaliating.
The Black community don't turn on their young people when they make a mistake like white community turned on Brittany Spears, you all almost demolished her career with the day to day gossip but good thing she recovered. Get the whole facts
I don't really understand why you are bringing race into this, since domestic violence affects people of all races and backgrounds, but incidentally, beating people up is not what most people would refer to as a 'mistake.' Britney Spears' marriage may count as a ''mistake,' but to compare it to Brown beating up Rihanna is laughable. What Brown (and possibly Rihanna) did was not a 'mistake,' it was assault - a felony offense.
And while we are teaching her to run from a possibe domestic abuser are we also teaching her that it is not okay for her to abuse? I think the bigger point that all are missing is that aggressive females should also not hit males. I am tired of the rihanna being the victim angle. If she hit him then she should have been arrested also. I don't care who came out with the most bruises. Nobody has the right to hit anybody. I am a female and if I hit a man or woman I am taking the risk of being hit back we no longer live in the 17th century where females are ladies and men are gentlemen. The longer we keep teaching our girls that it is okay for them to hit boys but not okay for a boys to hit them back; then we are always going to have these domestic abuse situations because in reality people hit when they are hit.
There you go again, always defending the perpetrator. Learn something about domestic violence as a system of oppression that is learned behavior passed down in families and condoned by societies and falsely framed as personal and individual. And you're fooling yourself if you think domestic abuse was not more accepted in the 17th century. Only in the late 19th century in this country did married women have a legal status that wasn't comparable to a child's. "Rule of thumb" referred to how thick and instrument men could use to beat their wives. In many countries still it is no crime for a man to rape his wife, because she is still viewed as property. Ignorance is not bliss.
YR,
There you go again. You and thousands of other people on the internet are really finding it difficult to swallow that Rihanna is violent and aggressive and was slapping Chris around for weeks.
She admitted it herself.
Females need to learn to keep their hands to themselves. Spend a week in a school and watch how some of these teenage girls are hitting boys over the head, slapping them in the face and kicking them and laughing with their other girlfriends.
Talk to some teenagers and you will hear a pattern of female to male abuse, but they don't see it as abuse. It's funny and it's ok because society says it's only abuse when a man hits a woman.
Read Roseanne Barr's blog post:
http://perezhilton.com/2009-03-13-why-is-rihanna-still-with-chris-b...
Great post, Mona. I count myself lucky as a parent because my son attended a small parochial high school where the kids didn't date as much as they just hung out together in groups. And they were good kids, rarely in any serious trouble. They treated their friends with loyalty and respect. (I suppose they were sheltered from the real world in our neighborhood, but they have plenty of time to move beyond that.)
At the same time, we also spent a lot of time talking around the family dinner table about how you treat the people you love and care about. Parents should never allow the media to impart life lessons; it's always in our hands. My son is just out of college and in a long-time relationship with a wonderful young woman now, and I believe he treats her with respect.
I am so glad people are discussing this issue. As you note, violence is violence. No sugar-coating it. Nobody deserves that. --Cindy La Ferle
I'm proud to say my teen age daughter doesn't know or care who Rihanna is.
First of all, exactly what are we teaching our children when a man, who makes a certain amount of money, sings well, and for all intents and purposes has a squeaky clean record (and a baby face), can be excused for domestic violence and given a slap on the wrist??? Secondly, what message is Rihanna sending?? Where are their parents?? Where are the people that teach a young woman that she is not a punching bag, and should not excuse violence...not even once!!!! Where are the people that teach a young man to keep his hands (fist) to himself, especially when dealing with women!! And then to claim you love her!! I think NOT...question for Chris...you love yourself, you love your mother...would you do what you did to Rihanna to yourself or your mother?? I think NOT. Free game for Rihanna...you can't control a man and you don't provoke. Keep your hands to yourself. If you don't want to be hit, don't hit. He will do what he wants to do, with or without your consent. If he loves you, you will know. The next time you might not be able to walk away and cry wolf!!! Domestic violence, relationship abuse...all of that, and whatever you want to call it, is unacceptable. A man that loves you will not hit you. You both are in my prayers.
I have a 19 year old daughter. I guess I am lucky because she's too busy not only keeping up with course work at her top notch small liberal arts college but shes trying to save the world. Especially the worlds women. She's off to India this summer to learn micro financing
I never talked about dating violence. I guess I did something right though cause she sure turned out right!!!
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