THE BLOG
08/14/2012 03:51 pm ET Updated Oct 14, 2012

Dear Fringe Diary

The Fringe is well and truly underway now, and I've only posted one measly entry in the Fringe Diaries series. (The last thing I wrote, an open letter to the man playing bagpipes nonstop outside my window was apparently not "diary" enough, and was placed in the comedy section of the good old HuffPost, with the very helpful postscript "this is a satirical piece," in case, you know, anyone thought I was really going to murder the poor man. I will not make the same mistake again.) So:

*~*~*~*~*DeAr FrInGe DiArY*~*~*~*~

2day on the Mile, I saw a BOY (!!!) he was soooooo cute. Him n all his kewl frenz were sitting in a big circle with leaves on thurr heads, softly swaying & chanting 2 promote their all-male production of A Chorus Line set in modern-day Guam. It ended up bein' a bust though, b-cuz I found out he was 14. Which is fine, but also he is Team Jacob, so obviously we could NVR B. That's O.K. though, because hangin' out on da Royal Mile has taught me sooo much about D-ARTZ. These are a few thingz I have learned:

1))))) It iz XXXTREMELY meaningful to stand or sit in a large group and do something, anything in unison. Like, if C Venues had a mascot it would be seven high school students swaying back and forth while singing solemnly and painting each other's faces in their underwear. This is what the next generation of theatre is ALL ABOUT.

2))))) Not everyone wants your flyer :( :( :( Some people will LIE TO UR FACE and tell u they have one, even when clearly, duh, they do not. Other people will take it from you and then IMMEDIATELY throw it in the garbage... wTf!!! that is RUDE w/ a capital EVERYTHING to a) the actors (aka me); b) the flyer designer (also me); c) the printer of the flyers (my mom); and d) the EARTH.

3)))) If U don't have a !BiG AuDiEnCe! for your show, a cool way to get ppl 2 come CU is to scream at them while already in costume for that show. Ppl will be so impressed that u r in character 24/7 that they will HAVE to come see you continue to be in character for at least another 40-75 minutes. They cannot get ENUF! (Never wash yr costume, either. That smell is the smell of SUCCESS)

4))))) U don't have to quote the whole thing if someone writes a >>>BaD rEvIeW<<< of ur show. Like, if some1 said "This show is without a doubt the hottest show at the fringe, by which I mean the room is way too hot and it's uncomfortable, don't go, you'll regret it immediately and also you will sweat a lot," you can juz take "HOTTEST SHOW AT THE FRINGE" and put it all ovr all yr posters N flyerz!! What a hot tip. (GET IT!?!?!)

5)))) Looking 2 Sell UR free show? Look no farther than BSDs--Bargain-Seeking Dads. Iz ur show boring? Too long? Racist? A musical? They don't care, itz free! Just say da word FREE around any BSD & u r guaranteed at least one seat filled in ur audience that day. God Blezz U, BSDs. God Blezz U. (God's a Gurl.)

Az U can C, I'm learning every day. Whew, this sure was a #diaryentry. Boys! Crushes! MSN!

Talk 2 U Soon. xoxoXOXOXOXxoxoxoxoxxxXXXXXXxxxxx

+++++!!!!!!!!M-o-N-i-C-a!!!!!!!!!!+++++

Monica is performing daily at this year's Fringe with Ladies & Gentlemen, at 3:30 at the Counting House (venue 170). Follow them on twitter: @LGcomedy