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Pundits on Parade

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Ever watch the pundits on the cable TV news? They have an opinion on just about everything.

Yep, ever since cable news arrived on our cultural landscape, it's been a 24/7 news cycle, one that never takes a break, never sleeps, gathers no moss and always seems to be badgering on about something. After all, the cable news networks have to fill all those hours with something.

Enter the pundits. Stage Left and Stage Right.

But, if you ask me, pundits are nothing more than today's court jesters. They keep juggling their colorful balls in the air, trying to distract you from paying attention to what really matters. To what's important -- or even, vital -- to know. Like, whether former Egyptian President, Hosni Mubarak, is clinically dead or just napping. Or, whether the U.S. presidential election will end in triumph or defeat for either of the candidates.

If you ask me, the pundits are not there to inform, enlighten or engage you in critical thought. They're there to entertain, filibuster and blow a lot of hot air in our balloons. They jumble up everything, in their attempt to sway you to their side, but all they really do is confuse you.
And, before you realize it, there's been a coup somewhere in some part of the world that you were clueless about, and the elections are upon us and you have no idea who to vote for, because you haven't yet figured out what are the issues that matter this year. Besides, the economy I mean. That always matters.

If you're like me, you've been listening to these pundits and we might as well have been listening to an orchestra warming up, for all the good it did us!

And, those pundits sure love to nitpick.

Lord help the politician who says one wrong thing -- all it takes is one! -- and it's turned into the gaffe du jour.

Whatever they said, know that it was a blunder. And, when such a gaffe happens, the pundits are right there to pick up on it and dissect it to their heart's content, and then fling it to the side of the road like yesterday's road kill. At which point, they eagerly await the next big gaffe.

Like Mitt Romney's Etch-a-Sketch moment, or President Obama's recent statement, "The private sector is doing fine." These gaffes were put under the microscope, dissected and then volleyed back and forth between pundits on the right and left, in an attempt to justify them, or cut them to shreds -- depending on which side they're on, of course.

There are pundits for everything. One can speak volumes on the Tea Party -- another can talk until they're blue in the face about Occupy anything. One knows everything there is to know about a woman's reproductive rights, or so he claims. Another supports increasing taxes, while others want nothing more than to slash them.

There are pundits in favor of this and pundits against that. I'm sure there's even a pundit knowledgeable on all things relating to Donald Trump's hair. And, at least one knows all there is to know about, well, nothing.

Whew.

So, after watching all these pundits talk ad nauseam, I'm ready. I'm ready to take my place at the pundit table. For I've decided I, too, can do this. I can be a pundit and ramble on and on, on just about anything. Go ahead, and try me.

Got a cause? Let me tell you what I think! Want to discuss women's rights? I'm in. Tobacco lobby? Bring them on! Gun control? Get in line! War in the Middle East? You ain't heard nothing yet! Immigration? Pull up a chair! Gay marriage? You're up next! Going green? I've got a bone to pick with you!

Yes, I can sling arrows with the best of them.

Of course, there's just one thing. One tiny little thing that might prevent me from stepping up as the next Pundit Queen. Ever notice how these pundits have a knack for talking over each other, all at once, so that you can't figure out what any of them is saying?

Well, my mother always taught me to wait my turn. That it's not polite to interrupt. In fact, it's downright rude. Which is why I might as well throw in my pundit towel. For, even if I didn't mind interjecting my inane thoughts, I couldn't yell over the other pundits, simply because, I'd lose my train of thought, and forget what I was saying.

Man, those pundits have it down pat. Me? Not so much.

Oh, well, better think of some other way to make my opinions known. Got any ideas?