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Monica Wyche Headshot

The Parenting Olympics

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The whole world has Olympic Fever.

We're all standing united in our new-found love of synchronized diving, skeet shooting and table tennis, sports I wasn't even aware were actual Olympic events.

As a brand new parent, my husband and I are developing impressive knowledge, speed and accuracy at some events of our own, and I am now inspired to propose the first-ever Parenting Olympics.

Events would be divided into two main categories, Indoor and Outdoor events. Let's look at an early list of proposed areas of competition.

Indoor Events

Swaddling: Athletes may choose to compete in either One-Handed or Two-Handed Swaddling. Those opting for Two-Handed Swaddling will be working with a colicky, inconsolable infant to level the playing field with the One-Handers.

Bottle Preparation: Participants will be scored on Frozen Breast Milk Thawing, Bottle Washing, Matching Lids with Bottles and (in an effort to remain inclusive) Powdered Formula Mixing.

Diapering: Parents may choose to compete in either Cloth or Disposable categories. Those competing in Cloth will be on the honor system and will be judging themselves, as most people don't know how that whole cloth system works, anyway. Those competing in Disposable will be judged by the EPA.

Soothing: Competitors will soothe a fussy baby for three full hours in the middle of the night, using only their own bodies and voices. Special points will be given for Best Impromptu Rhyming in a Song and for Smoothly Transferring Baby from Arms to Crib.

Outdoor Events

Baby Wearing: In this mixed-gender competition, Moms and Dads will be required to safely secure their infant in a Moby wrap without use of the instruction booklet. (Note: Participants may be asked to sign a waiver for footage to be used on America's Funniest Home Videos.)

Subway Navigation: Athletes with infants will be given a destination over two miles from the starting line and must navigate the NYC subway system through no fewer than two train changes and stations with no elevators. Athletes may not ask strangers for assistance with strollers.

Dining Out: Participants will be required to eat a full, three-course meal (appetizer, entree and dessert) in a public restaurant with table service. Competition must take place between 7 p.m. and 9 p.m., during peak restaurant hours. Points will be deducted for each restaurant patron that rolls his eyes at the participants. Extra points will be awarded for finishing the meal without staining your own clothes or dropping hot food on the baby.

In this early stage of development, the Parenting Olympics is focused solely on infant care, but plans are in motion for the Parenting of Teenagers Olympics, the Parenting of Twins Olympics and (in a special deal with Comedy Central) the Teenage Parents Olympics. The Lifetime Network has expressed interest in the Single Parent Olympics, but participants deserve much more lucrative endorsements than are currently available, so those deals are stalled at this time.

The success of the Parenting Olympics depends on your input. We can't do it without you.

I'd keep working on my list of potential events, but I've got to go pump.

(Look for Pumping to be added in 2016.)