Did you see this on "The Today Show" on NBC Tuesday? I was shocked to watch a segment highlighting a bitter and angry ex-husband who writes a blog called "ThePsychoExWife.com" in which he takes no pains to refrain from absolutely blasting his ex-wife. He describes his blog as ""the true account of a marriage, divorce, and subsequent (child) custody fight between a loving man, his terroristic ex-wife who we suspect suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder ..." He goes on to describe his ex-wife as,
"... on the precipice of 40 and probably looks all 50-years of it. Imagine if you will, Jabba The Hut, with less personality. She spends her time ... drinking her days away bemoaning her victim status, when she isn't stuffing the children with fast food, buying them toys, or pushing them towards the TV or computer."
Forget all the legal rambling about whether this guy has a 'right' to write and publish online any of this information. We live in the US and one of our inalienable rights is the right to free speech.
But (and that's a huge but!), c'mon ... is this really in the best interests of his two children who are the tender ages of ten and twelve? How can a father live by a moral compass that must be so far askew for him to think it is OK to write things like this about the mother of his children?
As Americans, we seem to think it's permissible to just speak our mind whenever we choose to, and legally that is one of the things we pride ourselves on, but doesn't it seem like this legal answer needs to be over-ruled by a more pressing moral response? Doesn't it seem that we should allow our moral compass to drive our behavior even though that may squelch our immediate desire to do what feels right in the moment? In this case, shouldn't the value that this father places on having his two boys successfully survive, and thrive, after their parents divorce outweigh this father's need to blow off his anger, bitterness and hatred by writing his blog?
There are so many things wrong with this blog and thinking this behavior is appropriate!
This father is creating a difficult environment for his kids, at a stage where these poor children probably want to pretend the divorce isn't happening, or want it to just be over already! The ongoing battle will take its toll. Add to that the fact that by virtue of what he is writing, the kids are bound to feel some level of guilt as a result of feeling pulled between both parents. And, is this father showing his kids that his is how they should deal with any level of conflict that they will face in their lives? Seriously? These are the life skills we want to emulate for our children?
I'm giving a big thumbs-up to the family court judge who ordered the blog to be shut down saying, "Your children are being hurt because you are bad mouthing the women they love in public." I'm not confident that on appeal this argument will be sustained, but rather presume that the father will win his argument that his first amendment rights are being violated. He is obviously onto something as the blog drew more than 200,000 visitors, and he was even able to start selling advertising on it.
Regardless of whether he 'wins' his legal case or not, the kids lose. It's the kids who will suffer as a result of seeing their parents go through yet another vicious, hurtful battle. It seems like the most common sense, intuitive thing in the world to want to protect your children from harm, but then we see things like this in the media, and it goes again the grain of natural order! The fall-out for children who are products of divorce can be devastating even in the most 'friendly' of divorces, but we know that studies show one of the biggest indicators of 'successful' divorces in the eyes of children is how well their parents are able to co-parent them together. Period. There is no negotiating this point. It's been researched and documented. Kids don't want to feel pulled, don't want to feel guilt, and don't want to have to 'take sides' in their parents divorce.
Clearly, not the high road ... not even close to high road behavior. I wish more people would quit trying to win on technicalities and rationalizations, and instead focus on listening to that inner voice, that moral compass, and that self-less indicator that highlights when we should do right for others, instead of selfishly giving in to our own desires or urges. Now there is some high road behavior we can model for our kids. What do you think?
Follow Monique Honaman on Twitter: www.twitter.com/HighRoadTheBook
People have a right to free speech. Everyone complains about their exes all the time. I am a family court attorney and I know that everyone does complain about their psychotic exes. And they are often right, in a sense, but not really working towards a productive resolution of their cases.
But, all this complaining about the ex is not productive. They should be taking it to their therapists. People in family court don't even want to answer the questions you ask them. They always want to just rant and rave about their ex.
Anyway, I don't think this particular guy should have been singled out. If the judge wants to issue routine orders for people not to trash their exes publicly, that would be acceptable. But, there should be an exception for conversations with therapists, attorneys, clergy, and child protective and police.
I'm not sure if this was really a public trashing of the ex-spouse since he didn't name names. So, I'm not sure if this would apply even if the judge did issue such a routine order not to bad-mouth each other in public.
My ex says that because in his mind it was over it was okay to have this relationship, and take her to Ireland for two weeks. The fact that I was upset was "ridiculous" and he was in no way humble let me tall you that! The children suffer ALWAYS in these situations and mine are in therapy. Best thing you can do is watch out for them and let them know that their anger is okay but to keep it in perspective. Self control is really important that they don't take their anger too far. We are all stronger for these trials and tribulations but we need to watch for our children.
In my case there has been a threat from the woman he has dated since we were actually still married to harm me. Actually it was spoken to my daughter when she was 16, where she came home and reported to me that "Your mom doesn't know who she's dealing with. My father was a big deal in the Navy and I can have her disappear." It has scared all of us. But now he is engaged and the children just can't understand how dad doesn't care that she did that. So yep you may think you want them to understand what you were dealing with. But I think that it must hurt more. Powerlessness to sooth your children is incredibly tough.
BPD people are volatile, irrational, manipulative, have no empathy (even when they profess to have it), and engage in idealizing and demonizing those around them, with no thought for the consequences. They often have a favorite child and a child they can't stand - that is, in their demented world, a "good child" and a "bad child." They also are fond of unnecessary litigation, because it keeps the conflict going - even when it burns through money and destroys relationships.
People who suffer from it inflict torment on everyone around them- especially their children. There is ZERO understanding of how destructive a BPD mother is on her children. These people are expert at creating victimhood status, and engage in behavior that manipulates everyone in the mother's orbit, most esp. her children.
3 things to do if you have a borderline mother, wife or ex-wife: 1. go to Out of the Fog http://www.outofthefog.net.
2. Shrink 4 Men http://www.shrink4men.com
3. Read Understanding the Borderline Mother by Christine Ann Lawson. Hard to get hold of now because it's expensive, but brilliant.
It does matter if he mentions her name or name. Children are smart, They pick up on all that animosity. They are who are important. This is their mother. If you love your children, you treat their other parent with respect.
"...the father NEVER divulged anyone's names on the website, even the city and state were omitted. It was not possible for anyone, especially the children, to know who was talking about whom....Until the ex-wife figured it out and showed it to the kids and hence - THE WORLD." (taken from previous post)
You can have all the ethical even psychological discussions you like, but this detail should see the case thrown out.
As the kids mature eventually they will build a solid perception of reality based on a sound out look of maturity. (if your lucky) and when they do this blog will still be evidence of him being a jackass even if he's "moved on".
If my father or mother was being a jackass I'd like them to not be a public jackass at least it would keep some the added stress off me.
I'm a product of a divorced family and my mother took opportunity to badmouth my father's shortcomings and my father never said a bad word against her in my presence, ever. She created more stress for us and herself with this poisonous rehash of negativity.
Puleeease!
But I remember every nasty comment, every aspersion they cast at each other.
I remember being used to deliver awful messages to each other, and how much I hated and resented the behavior. So this man can claim it's simply "catharsis". We can gather "fans" of what he is spewing, but in the end the only one people hurt will be his kids.
Tit for tat is not being a grown up.
If one side can't or won't play fair, the other is not scoring any points by joining them in the sewer.
Love your kids...more than you hate your ex...that simple.
http://davidhinsonlaw.com/psycho-ex-wife-v-the-high-road