Marriage Name Changes and Google Rankings: a Feminist 2.0 Dilemma

A name is forever, once it's been indexed in Google. There's been much buzz about how to juice your Google presence by making your name more unusual, but what is a woman to do when she gets married? A quest for search engine optimization tips about how to preserve your Google rankings when you change your name came up short, so I'm open to suggestions. It's a feminist 2.0 dilemma.

When I got married two years ago, the whole name change issue confused me. I decided to hyphenate, combining my last name and my husband's with a tiny dash. That little dash has proven challenging. But changing my name full stop felt dishonest, while keeping my own name felt weirdly disrespectful to both my husband and any of our future offspring. And so I hyphenated, and it's been annoying because I never fully owned the name change. I don't always use the hyphen (mostly I stick stubbornly to my own surname; sometimes, like with the car dealer, I use my husband's last name for sheer convenience) and as such have three different names I use on a regular basis. I thought keeping the maiden name in there would preserve old Google rankings and professional associations, but that the new name would be an adequate nod to tradition and acknowledgment of my new life. But in Google, as in life, my pre and post married selves remain two distinct entities.

In 2004, Katie Roiphe wrote a fascinating history of the name change and notes that 90% of American women change their names upon marriage. But it's a losing battle for many of us. Roiphe writes, "We might prefer equal naming practices, but how in a practical sense could they be implemented? How can both people preserve the longevity and tradition of their surnames? The truth is there is something unsatisfying about either the bride or groom giving up their name."

She also notes, "hyphenating is socially irresponsible as well as aesthetically disastrous: What happens when Julian Hesser-Friend marries Tessa Rosenfeld-Cassidy"?

My friend Gina faces that challenge with her kids, but she is unfazed. She said, "well, they'll be smarter than me, so they'll figure it out." Gina hyphenated, but so did her husband. She says, "Neither of us wanted to give up our names....but we weren't opposed to the idea of adding a name. We knew we wanted to have children, and we wanted ourselves and our children to have the same last name, so it felt like one family unit. It felt like a symbolic gesture towards combining our lives.

"It's long, but the benefits outweigh the negative aspects for us." Gina notes, "I definitely consider myself a feminists but I don't think I made these choices because I'm a feminist. More like we made these choices because they were fair and right for our family."

Bu she says, "I think I would feel less comfortable with the whole situation of my husband hadn't done it. We wanted everyone in the family to have the same last name. Our sister in law's response was, 'well what if you get divorced'? But she had taken her husband's whole last name!! What if SHE got divorced"? Indeed.

A 2005 study found that women are increasingly choosing their husband's names. I've found this to be true in my own group of friends, and frankly it surprises me. On the other hand, we wait so long to get married now, we fully own the process of becoming brides in a way women just couldn't 50 years ago. Maybe a name (outside of Google) is just letters on a page.

I asked some friends how they made their decisions to change, or not change, their names. Karen kept her name, and her son also bears her maiden name. I asked her why and she gave me three excellent reasons, "Why not? My last name has been a really big part of my identity my whole life, my family lineage would die if I didn't keep it, and third... my husband doesn't own me."

She noted that her husband doesn't really feel strongly about his last name, so it wasn't an issue. For my friend Hillary, on the other hand, name changing was a negotiation. She says, "it was something I was not inclined to do at the beginning. One, my husband feels strongly about keeping his name. [But] as a feminist I sort of have inhibitions about changing my name."

But, she continued,

"I think I have enough time in my life to create a new identity- I didn't have to hold on to my last one. It was kind of a clean break. Most people, and myself included, didn't think I would change my name. Having said that, I'm phasing out my last name gradually. Part of it is me adjusting to it, and part of it is other people as well. Hillary has different email handles with both her old and new names, just in case a recipient was confused. But she says, "...on Facebook I have both my names. In some ways you can keep your maiden as part of your Internet identity. I get introduced both ways- put the name out there so people get used to it. I have that moment when I introduce myself and literally pause. So I've become just Hillary-- a Madonna like thing."

Oh, we cackled over that one. I feel exactly the same way. I'm constantly emphasizing my first name and garbling, or even omitting my last name upon introduction, as if I were introducing myself to a five year old instead of a business associate. But sometimes I feel like a fraud when I introduce the hyphenated name and so I swallow the syllables, which Jewish and Italian, vowel heavy names make auditorially challenging for the person on the other end.

But it's hard to go whole hog too. Three months into her name change, Hillary says, "I feel sort of identity-less. I don't feel like my maiden name and I don't feel like my new name." We talked about the strange anti-climactic role change you experience as a wife (especially if you're a child of divorce) and then as a mother. Surely giving up your surname introduces a lot of other feelings to the mix?

For me, my new last name is both a professional hurdle and a private source of ambivalence. If I were famous, I'd give them both up entirely and just go by my first name. 'Til then, I will maybe just have to hire an expert in search engine optimization who specializes in confused, newly married feminists.

Follow Morra Aarons-Mele on Twitter: www.twitter.com/morra_am

Comments

[findingmuse]

i kept my maiden name. i just tell people (when they ask): "i've been amy xxxx for 36 years, and i have no intentions of changing my identity just because that's the societal norm. i mean, honestly. if the societal norm was to jump off a cliff every time there was a full moon on the 29th of february, would that be okay too?"

when i got pregnant with my daughter earlier this year, people started pressuring me again to change my name. this time, i got told i was being selfish--she'd be confused or embarrassed when she was older. really? and so, again, here i am being asked to make a decision about my life based on someone else's expectations and needs, and being told i'm selfish when i decide my needs take precedence. like being a woman = helping other people feel good, aaaall the time.

is it bad if i say i the message i want to send my daughter is that i really don't care about how other people feel? that i don't feel responsible for their comfort level(s) regarding choices i make for me?

i find it hard to believe it's a bad thing to teach girls not to care what other people have to say about anything they do. i'm striving to raise a hillary clinton, not a sarah palin.

even though both those chicks totally did the societal thing and took the dude's last name. :-)

[OnTheCusp]

Women should do what they please, even if it pisses Aunt Martha to the grave. Names are real...they have weight and value. I've got female friends who've kept their names when they got married and I've also got friends who changed their names when they married because the "creative parenting" they got growing up delivered five different names before age 18, none of which were worth keeping.....why would a person want to keep the name of their "latest step dad" when a man who actually loves them has a name that MEANS something to them? I think men have it made....getting to maintain who they are from day one.

[susanthe]

Two years ago I married for the 3rd time. We never discussed the name changing thing, and when someone brought it up, he laughed and said it never occurred to him that I would change my name.

I didn't. He didn't either, though I offered it as an option.

[andvoodoo2]

After I got married (almost 30 years ago), I kept my name for about a year. Finally, through societal and spousal pressure (I also got sick of people questioning whether I was REALLY married) I changed it to my spouse's name. I regretted it until the day I got a divorce and changed my name back. I don't think women should change their names when they marry any more than I think men should adopt their wive's name. As to the children, I don't have any suggestions for that one. Both of my children have changed their names to mine as they have no contact with their abusive father.

[rjmiller]

Personally, I don't really care what anyone's name is (don't worry, I won't cliche-quote Shakespeare). If I were married, my wife could do whatever she wants with her name. I'd certainly consider changing mine since it would be ridiculous if only she had to change. I suppose if I were being googled all the time I may want to keep my name for professional reasons, but honestly I don't think anyone could google a generic name like "Rob Miller" and have any hope of finding me anyway.

Another option I haven't seen mentioned is creating a brand new surname. The reality is that our surnames are fairly fluid anyway. I know my surname only dates back to around 1920 when my Russian immigrant grandfather decided to change his name from Ura (an Americanized version of his Russian name to begin with) to Miller. Many families that immigrated through the major ports had their names changed or mispelled as well, like in Godfather 2 when young Vito's tag is misread causing the immigration worker to write down the town name of Corleone instead of Andolini. A recent trend in baby-names has been to invent a name, I don't see why the same idea couldn't be applied to surnames.

[AnotherHuddy]

I don't care whether people keep their name or change it, but hyphenation is a slippery%2

[AnotherHuddy]

I don't care whether people keep their name or change it, but hyphenation is a slippery slope; in twenty years we'll have kids running around with eight surnames, all hyphenated. What is young Joey Smith-Raym­ond-Huntin­gton-Rodri­guez-Koppe­lman-Ellis­on-Blythe-­Willard to do?

~s~

[katielady]

my advice; keep your name, that is who you are...

[OnTheCusp]

Ding ding ding ding ding!! We have a winner!!!

[newpotusplease]

i recall attending a conference where two co-workers (women) brought this us as the topic of conversation- they were newly engage or newly married- the rest of us walked away and talked about other stuff,

no judgements on them, we just started talking about other things

so the search engine optimization issue may not be that important - if this is going to be the content of your posting

btw both of them are divorced now

[tokitori]

"Disrespectful" to not take his name? Did you also agree to "obey" him in your vows? My husband didn't feel the least bit "disrespected", and my father felt honored.

I kept my name because it's MY name. If I MUST be named after someone's father, I'd rather be named after my father than his father. Thought about taking my mother's maiden name, but of course, that's just her FATHER's name, too. I try not to think about the whole "property" thing -- but of course that's where the whole tradition came from, didn't it? Along with the "who gives this woman" line during the wedding vows. I left that out too. I'M the one who gave my heart to my husband (and vice versa!) My FATHER didn't give me away! (I'm stil HIS daughter too -- and my husbands wife, and my OWN person!)

Our kids got my last name as their middle name, so we do share names. It does cause mild confusion -- but I answer to his last name sometimes; and people who meet ME first often call him by my last name, which he also answers to!

And when asked the inevitable question, "You're married? Then why do you have different last names?" I always answer, "because we had different fathers!"

[Morra Aarons-Mele - Huffpost Blogger]

It's funny. I showed your comment to my husband and he said he didn't feel strongly at all about the name stuff! But I do. I'd rather be aligned to him than to my own father, in many ways. The system is kind of equally patriarchal on both sides. I wanted to be both twinned with my family and my husband and new life.

The Mayor of LA tried this approach by combining names- Villaraigosa is a combo of his and his wife's name. But now, I think, they're divorced.

[cajafa]

I know plenty of women who married, changed their names, divorced and ended up keeping their ex-husband's last name for longer than they were actually married to him. The comment about Villaraigosa's divorce is irrelevent.

Many women still see it as an achievment to be or to have been married- and very often, as in your case, the men aren't concerned about "the name stuff" at all, but women want a signifier. It's like getting your doctorate and making sure every one calls you doctor.
People want their credit.

Please do not call your arguments feminist. Words have meanings. And judging by the comments you're receiving, your definition is way off.

[Alethea]

I'm with you on this. And I do consider myself to be a staunch feminist. Although, apparently we are the minority of what defines feminism. I suspect that this is a generational difference.

I'm 28 years old. I grew up never questioning whether women were equal, because I simply knew we were. Apparently the feminist movement was a success...

However, I took the term "equal" quite literally. Which means, that if we get all the same rights as men, then we also are held to the same standards. To me, that means acting sexist is wrong regardless of whether you are pro or anti-women.

I think that older feminists (those who had to fight furiously for their rights) are constantly on guard, sometimes even when they don't have to be. As a result, they sometimes forget that the goal was equality, not a matriarchy.

It's a weird conundrum. Because if it hadn't been for them, then I wouldn't even have the CHOICE. However, I feel that they shouldn't get away with being sexist in the opposite direction, and demean women who chose different paths.

These days, choosing a surname (or not) isn't automatically a matter of fighting sexism. For me, it was a matter of aesthetics. For others it's convenience. Simply because, today, we are free to do as we please for whatever reason. Take it, don't, or do something different, but regardless it's still OUR choice.

That's what it means to be free and equal right?

[trixtah]

I'm not trying to provocative, but articles like this written by feminist women make me grateful I'm not heterosexual.

"But changing my name full stop felt dishonest, while keeping my own name felt weirdly disrespectful to both my husband and any of our future offspring."

How? For god's sake? How is it *disrespectful*? Did he make any murmurs whatsoever about not changing his name and how it might be "disrespectful" to you? Of course not, because you've both evidently been brainwashed the same way.

I'm from NZ, while the majority of women still do change their names if they actually do get married (and increasing numbers are not), when they don't, I've not noticed any problem whatsoever as couples being introduced as Mary X and John Y. But then again, most people under 40 refer to their spouses, married or not, as their "partners". Kids generally do take one surname or the other, although I have seen boys with dad's surname and girls with mum's surname.

If you must hyphenate, then the entire family should hyphenate... but I don't see many men volunteering for that one either. If you need to combine two double-barrelled names, the usual solution in Europe is to combine the first half of each. But why bother?

[atheta]

When I decided to keep my maiden name after I got married a few years ago, I was worried that it might cause confusion.... particularly when we had children.

And so far, not so much. When necessary I have to list both our names so it takes a few more words to sign us up for things..... and I do answer to Mrs.X if someone calls me by that name.... when I call the pediatrician I give my name and my son's full name.... but no one really blinks.... it's just the way it is and everyone accepts it as a matter of course.

I do think that taking one's husband's name is a mark of patriarchy. And I think that women should stop doing it. Our names are so integral to our identity. Changing one's name because of marriage implies that the identity of the woman is dramatically altered by marriage, whereas a man's identity is not. This signals that a woman's identity is less significant and it is important that we stop reinforcing this idea.

The hyphenation or double last name options are a compromise. However, as another commenter pointed out, it becomes impossibly cumbersome after just one generation, so from a societal point of view, it can only serve as a transitional practice as we move from women nearly universally taking their husband's names to the majority not doing so.

[Nutri1Max]

But isn't it just as patriarchal to automatically give your children his last name?

The issue has many sides and it is something that women genuinely grapple with because of societal pressures. I know that, for me, I had always disliked my last name: it was too long, people teased me about it, the way it was so easily said with condescension. I couldn't wait to get rid of it. On the other hand, if it had been important to me, my husband would have been just as ready to change his--even though it was much more a part of his identity.

It does become an issue when it comes to children: my father and his brothers only had daughters, so the name dies with us. My mother has a family name that is important in American and British history, but only got a passing nod in the middle name of my uncle and then the name, again, died in our branch.

[atheta]

I see the reasoning behind thinking that automatically giving the child the father's name is patriarchal. And I think that is somewhat true.

Another reason to automatically give a child the father's last name is to clearly establish paternity and help reinforce the paternal link. Biologically it is always clear who a child's mother is.... and oftentimes the mother, through breastfeeding or other caretaking, can be more tightly linked to the infant in the early months (but clearly not always)..... so as a societal convention, it bothers me far less to automatically give the child the father's last name..... particularly since the infant starts out life with this name and isn't being asked to change it part-way through as a wife is.

[tbone99]

Husbamds may come and go - keep your own name .
You don't see men changing their name do you ?

[texastrixie]

I think taking the husband's name is almost a negative vibe. You marry. You take his name. The kids have his name. You divorce, he dies, something goes wrong.

Now, you have the same name as the kids, but what happens if you remarry? Do you slight your new husband, telling him you need to keep the same name as your kids? Do you change your hame to the new husband's which really helps the kids overcome the idea that he is trying to replace their father (joking here)?

And what do you do about Social Security, your professional life, etc.? Take his name in the beginning of your career and you are going to be stuck with it forever in your professional life. Nothing is going to make your professional life seem more disjointed that leaving a trail of different names behind you.

BTW, when I am explaining the name difference, I always say that, " I let him keep his name." Even in TX people laugh, and usually remember, or at least understand.

[Morra Aarons-Mele - Huffpost Blogger]

I love that!
I know so many women of my mom's generation, divorced, stuck with their husband's name. But since they share the same name with their children, those wounds heal eventually and it seems like a new family name is born from husband no. 1...even if he isn't even in the picture anymore!

[atheta]

Saying you "let him keep his name" is one of the most amusing ways I've heard of explaining this to folks. Good job....and please forgive me if I borrow the line from time to time.

[GoodGuysandBadGuys]

so where did the idea that the woman changes her name (and the man doesn't change his) come from?

seems that it goes back to the old "property identifier" thing.

when the woman is a young girl she has her father's name - she is her father's property. then when she marries, she takes her husband's name - she becomes her husbands property.

the whole thing about women changing their names to their husband's name seems very outdated to me and represents a time when women were considered property. everyone has the right to do as they please of course.

[readysetgo]

"pir_anha" has it right: my wife and I created a new last name when we were married four years ago, and just six days ago we proudly debuted the continuation of our line with the birth of our first baby, a healthy and beautiful little boy.

Reading through the comments and the original post I'm a little surprised by the absence of any reference to surname origins and etymological customs. For the most part, most last names originally indicated one of three things: who your father is, what your family does for work, or where in the village or region your family lives. There are endless conversations to be spun out of these three basic surname starting points, but of primary importance is to keep in mind that every last name was arbitrarily coined at some point, based on whatever the local tradition happened to be at that time.

When we got married, my wife and I decided to throw our support around another, more recent, arbitrary naming convention: that of creating a new name together, based on what appealed to us for our own personal reasons. Writing about this here, I'm reminded of how each Space Shuttle crew collaborates to create their own mission patches, learning to work together, to negotiate and trust, to build team solidarity and boost morale. Perfect ingredients for cultivating a healthy, loving, and long-lasting relationship with anyone, but especially important when it comes to marriage – ideally, a permanent pairing of equals.

[drkazmd65]

Congratulations on both your new family line,.. and on the propagation of a new last name for it.

If my wife & I ever have kids,... we will probably go with the boring hyphenation idea,... But I have toyed with letting the kids have her last name (she kept her maiden name),... as it would get them out of the "Z" category in alphabetical order.

[drkazmd65]

Been married now for over 14 years,... And I can remember the 'exact' conversation a month or two before we got married.

The Catholic priest running the 'marriage preparedness' session (we have since left the Catholic Church for good - no fault of this decent guy) referred to my wife to be as Mrs *fill in my first & last name here*. She did not appear at all happy about this loss of personal identity.

On the way home she fairly bluntly said to me,... "How would you feel about it if I kept my last name?"

My response went something along the lines of "You still want to marry me,... right?" She nodded,... "Well who cares what you call yourself then - other than you?"

Conversation over,... and 14 years later,.. We still confuse phone salesmen, co-workers, and people that meet one of us before the other. I kind of like it.

So,.... what's the problem?

[bcmigal]

There's a dilemma? No one told me of that when I married 30 years ago and did not change my name. I had several professional licenses in my "maiden" name as well as a favorable reputation and did not want to compromise that. When my children were in school, I was referred to as Mrs (my husband's name) because my children took his family name. In my family's ethnic group, there is no word for "maiden name" but a word that is translated literally as "from the house of". Perhaps my real reasons were less noble, but I have been and always will be from that "house".