Marriage Name Changes and Google Rankings: a Feminist 2.0 Dilemma

A name is forever, once it's been indexed in Google. There's been much buzz about how to juice your Google presence by making your name more unusual, but what is a woman to do when she gets married? A quest for search engine optimization tips about how to preserve your Google rankings when you change your name came up short, so I'm open to suggestions. It's a feminist 2.0 dilemma.

When I got married two years ago, the whole name change issue confused me. I decided to hyphenate, combining my last name and my husband's with a tiny dash. That little dash has proven challenging. But changing my name full stop felt dishonest, while keeping my own name felt weirdly disrespectful to both my husband and any of our future offspring. And so I hyphenated, and it's been annoying because I never fully owned the name change. I don't always use the hyphen (mostly I stick stubbornly to my own surname; sometimes, like with the car dealer, I use my husband's last name for sheer convenience) and as such have three different names I use on a regular basis. I thought keeping the maiden name in there would preserve old Google rankings and professional associations, but that the new name would be an adequate nod to tradition and acknowledgment of my new life. But in Google, as in life, my pre and post married selves remain two distinct entities.

In 2004, Katie Roiphe wrote a fascinating history of the name change and notes that 90% of American women change their names upon marriage. But it's a losing battle for many of us. Roiphe writes, "We might prefer equal naming practices, but how in a practical sense could they be implemented? How can both people preserve the longevity and tradition of their surnames? The truth is there is something unsatisfying about either the bride or groom giving up their name."

She also notes, "hyphenating is socially irresponsible as well as aesthetically disastrous: What happens when Julian Hesser-Friend marries Tessa Rosenfeld-Cassidy"?

My friend Gina faces that challenge with her kids, but she is unfazed. She said, "well, they'll be smarter than me, so they'll figure it out." Gina hyphenated, but so did her husband. She says, "Neither of us wanted to give up our names....but we weren't opposed to the idea of adding a name. We knew we wanted to have children, and we wanted ourselves and our children to have the same last name, so it felt like one family unit. It felt like a symbolic gesture towards combining our lives.

"It's long, but the benefits outweigh the negative aspects for us." Gina notes, "I definitely consider myself a feminists but I don't think I made these choices because I'm a feminist. More like we made these choices because they were fair and right for our family."

Bu she says, "I think I would feel less comfortable with the whole situation of my husband hadn't done it. We wanted everyone in the family to have the same last name. Our sister in law's response was, 'well what if you get divorced'? But she had taken her husband's whole last name!! What if SHE got divorced"? Indeed.

A 2005 study found that women are increasingly choosing their husband's names. I've found this to be true in my own group of friends, and frankly it surprises me. On the other hand, we wait so long to get married now, we fully own the process of becoming brides in a way women just couldn't 50 years ago. Maybe a name (outside of Google) is just letters on a page.

I asked some friends how they made their decisions to change, or not change, their names. Karen kept her name, and her son also bears her maiden name. I asked her why and she gave me three excellent reasons, "Why not? My last name has been a really big part of my identity my whole life, my family lineage would die if I didn't keep it, and third... my husband doesn't own me."

She noted that her husband doesn't really feel strongly about his last name, so it wasn't an issue. For my friend Hillary, on the other hand, name changing was a negotiation. She says, "it was something I was not inclined to do at the beginning. One, my husband feels strongly about keeping his name. [But] as a feminist I sort of have inhibitions about changing my name."

But, she continued,

"I think I have enough time in my life to create a new identity- I didn't have to hold on to my last one. It was kind of a clean break. Most people, and myself included, didn't think I would change my name. Having said that, I'm phasing out my last name gradually. Part of it is me adjusting to it, and part of it is other people as well. Hillary has different email handles with both her old and new names, just in case a recipient was confused. But she says, "...on Facebook I have both my names. In some ways you can keep your maiden as part of your Internet identity. I get introduced both ways- put the name out there so people get used to it. I have that moment when I introduce myself and literally pause. So I've become just Hillary-- a Madonna like thing."

Oh, we cackled over that one. I feel exactly the same way. I'm constantly emphasizing my first name and garbling, or even omitting my last name upon introduction, as if I were introducing myself to a five year old instead of a business associate. But sometimes I feel like a fraud when I introduce the hyphenated name and so I swallow the syllables, which Jewish and Italian, vowel heavy names make auditorially challenging for the person on the other end.

But it's hard to go whole hog too. Three months into her name change, Hillary says, "I feel sort of identity-less. I don't feel like my maiden name and I don't feel like my new name." We talked about the strange anti-climactic role change you experience as a wife (especially if you're a child of divorce) and then as a mother. Surely giving up your surname introduces a lot of other feelings to the mix?

For me, my new last name is both a professional hurdle and a private source of ambivalence. If I were famous, I'd give them both up entirely and just go by my first name. 'Til then, I will maybe just have to hire an expert in search engine optimization who specializes in confused, newly married feminists.

Follow Morra Aarons-Mele on Twitter: www.twitter.com/morra_am

Comments

[frances223]

I'm in my late 50's and knew since reaching adulthood that I would not change my name. My husband didn't want to change his name either. When we had children we decided that our son would have his father's last name and our daughter would have mine. It's worked very well.

[clevelandchick]

I kept my last name, my husband is secure enough in himself to not think it's a big deal. He said if I changed mine to his, it would feel weird because he known me for years with my surname. Plus he's not really attached to his last name because he hasn't seen his jerk of a dad for over a decade.

We always joke around that if we have kids we'll both change our last name to Valentine.­..because it sounds so retro hipster. But probably if we do have kids, we'll use one as their middle name (his, which is hard to pronounce and even more difficult to spell). Not a big deal.

Funny thing is, it was my family not his that looked askance at me for not changing my last name. For the first several years of my marriage they would always address everything to me with his last name and I always had to correct them. Eventually they got used to it.

Point is, do what you want ladies, some women are happy to take their husband's name and it really doesn't make them a 'bad' feminist. Some aren't and that doesn't necessarily make them a good one.

[1Marcia1]

When I married in 1972, at the dawn of the new feminist movement, I did not take my husband's name and never did afterwards. It was a radical move at the time, and I got a lot of grief for it, but the idea of changing felt wrong and oppressive, and I have never changed my view. There's no getting around the implications of taking the husband's name as a manifestation of the patriarchal society we continue to live in, and so it's important to maintain your name and identity. It's true that hyphenated names of the children (including my own 2 children) is a pain in the neck, and yes, they will have to figure out how to handle it themselves. But make no mistake that the symbolism of their mother's choice has a deep meaning to them about women's real and symbolic roles in society. Automatically taking the husband's name speaks volumes about women having a subordinate role. What's in a name - A LOT! The inconvenience and awkwardness caused by my choice has been well worth it.

[MsCanada]

Amen, 1Marcia1!

There's an AWFUL LOT of meaning to the name one decides to take or keep. I love my husband dearly, but in taking his name, I would never be able to shake the feeling of subordination and property/ownership that comes with abandoning one's maiden (albeit usually father's) name.

When we had children, we decided that boys would have my last name as a middle name and his as the last name and vice-versa, were we to have girls. Well, my two boys bear my husband's last name, but they don't feel at all uncomfortable knowing that my name is not the same as theirs.

The only truly egalitarian solution is merging or hyphenating the two last names so that everyone in the family (husband, wife and kids) has the same name. But this solution doesn't always work.

[Wendy101]

When we married I took my husbands name. However about two years into the marriage I decided I wanted to use the hyphen. It was a matter of defining myself. I felt I was loosing that in some ways. So as a way to please myself I used the hyphen to show myself as an independent person but always a married woman. For the most part I use my husbands name when introduced to people and dealing with things that involve the children. It's only with my work I use both names. It seems to work out well.

[booker52]

When I married over 38 years ago it wasn't an issue, you just took your husband's name. So I did. I didn't think about. Today if I was doing it over again I might think it over, but still would most likely drop my maiden name (yet once again). My former daughter in law was not given a middle name, so when she married she kept her maiden name and took our last name. No problem. When divorced she requested her her maiden name back.

[MaryRW]

My husband added my name and I added his. No hyphen. Two last names. As a friend of mine once eloquently said that it was "more like a merger than an acquisitio­n." Having two last names confuses people sometimes, and it's anybody's guess how it will be alphabetized, but in fact that just makes things a little more interesting.

[clevelandchick]

That's great! Unfortunately my husband's last name is difficult to spell and harder to pronounce so adding it to mine would be a nightmare. But if you can do it that's a great solution.

[Aaror]

Well, maybe I shouldn't comment, as I am a man whose wife said she was changing her name, and I said sure...
My thought, based on equality, is that the couple should hyphenate, but that the kids should take one parent's name. You can split it 50-50, or have the girls take Mom's last name and the boys take Dad's, or however you like it.
Of course, that is just what the fair standard should be (as opposed to what we use), real life isn't simple, and we should not force folks to use one standard if they have personal reasons not to (e.g. a person who does not like their family name, or the person who gave it to them, should not be forced to keep it).
I harbored a romantic if impractical desire to take an old family name when I got married, since the family name had died, and my last name is one of the 10 most common. I didn't, but still think about it. I am not willing to just name a child with that name, because I don't want him/her to be the only one in the family with a different name...

[Evelyn]

I do notice that people have a hard time mentally holding on to hyphenated names when someone is introduced to them. And long complicated names make it hard to refer to a person. If you get introduced to Elizabeth Jacobson-Watanabe, you mind kind of freezes up. And when you say, Ken Smith will be doing job A, Hannah Steinbeck will be doing job B, and Elizabeth Jacobson-Watanabe will do job C...it seems complicated. Do we really need to refer to her entire pedigree every time we speak of her?

Personally, my decision was to use my maiden name as a middle name and my husband's name as a last name. My husband's name is Asian and I'm white, so it does cause some cognitive dissonance for people. But the two names mixed together would have caused even more. I have noticed that at the community college I work at, several women in mid-career have gotten married recently and took on new names. It is all problematic. And how about couples in same-sex marriages? Do they consider changing one or both names?

[SophieAmrain]

Your name signals your origin and yourself. No point in giving it up after marriage.

[bob72]

Not if it is a marriage of equals.

[clashcitysupermarket]

Keeping the name you'e had for decades shouldn't be "disrespectful to your husband" if he is (and I hope the husband that every woman finds is) a feminist too: and it's a sign of respect to yourself. I also don't think it's disrespectful to you kids -- I think it's good for them to see that they have parents who are individuals, and proud of their identities.

The statististic of 90% (of women changing their names after marriage) came as a real shock to me: that's a LOT, for this day and age. In Britain, 41% of women keep their maiden name after marriage.

[Pupadup4oBama]

I've been married for a year and a half,
I changed my name on my SS card almost immediatel­y...
however, I kept my maiden name on my drivers license and personal accounts.
Because I still have it on my license I tend to use it when I sign receipts or contracts.
Soon I will be moving to another state so it'll be the chance for me to change it completely­....the funny thing is - the ending of our last names are the same, it's the first three letters that are different, so I almost look at it as us combining our last name into one complete name. :). I guess we were meant to be.

[loril]

We show our feminism in different ways, depending upon what is most significant to us. I put my emphasis on paying my share, being involved in all the "big decisions" in my relationships and expecting to be treated as an equal (not as a "woman" or a "man"....j­ust as another person). When I eventually found a wonderful man who met my expectations and appreciated that I had a complete life and identity outside of our couple-shi­p...I was ok with changing my name. He did not care one way or the other. I did it because his name is easier to pronounce and, after working with kids for years and falling into the hyphen zone (or the "everyone in the family has a different surname" zone) I realized how confusing this can be.

If we had not made the decision to have a child, I probably would not have bothered with the name change. It was mainly aggravating to me for the paperwork.

I try not to get offended when other women suggest that my husband now "owns" me (like a dog or a plasma screen). I respect that this is a huge issue for some. For me, it was not a dilemma. I am a combination of what my parents named me and, now, my husband's family name. But, my identity as a person is strictly my own (personality, interests, sense of humor, faults and all.)

[tjm65]

One perspective I haven't seen discussed here is that of pragmatism. My wife and I both consider ourselves feminists, and I had no expectation (or any special desire) that she take my name when we got married. We discussed her keeping her name, hyphenating, or me taking hers. However, her father was an abusive, bigoted jerk with whom she felt no connection, and her name was relatively hard to pronounce (an especially important consideration given that she is an early-education teacher). I think it worried me more than it did her, but she took my name not for any patriarchal reasons, but mostly for pragmatic ones. I occasionally feel a little guilty about her taking my name, but it worked out best for her and she's happy with it. I don't think that's at all antifeminist.

[Pupadup4oBama]

I think the true definition of feminism (and this is just my thinking) is the idea that a woman has the choice to be whomever and whatever she wants to be, and it's about doing what SHE feels is right for her...and if she wants to share that choice with her family/mate, whomever..­..well, that's her choice.

Your wife is a lucky woman to have you...:).

[DryBrook]

Search engines? Feminism 2.0? The name change debate is not one little bit different today from what any published or professional woman has faced for decades. Whether you picked the hyphen, the husband, or the birth name, I'd say the same thing: "Good for you. Why are we still talking about this?"

[cocodee]

Oh my goodness.
What was your name when you were born?
That should be your name when you die.
Marry a human being rather than a egomaniac who demands adoration at the sanctity of his moniker.
Love and respect your children; they will understand that your family is an unbroken unit, no matter what you name them - unless it's something like "Reproduction #4." Then you might have an issue.

No angst. No confusion. No divorces. No regrets. No conversations. No explanations.

[jake106]

Chill out. Not everyone who wants their wife to change their name is an "egomaniac who demands adoration at the sanctity of his moniker." To some of us, tradition is an important thing. It doesn't make us evil, stupid, or any other names you might wish to call us. The only way it would make us stupid is if we didn't have this conversation with our prospective spouse early in the relationship. Trying to force a name change onto a woman who doesn't want it is certainly wrong, but in case you haven't noticed, many women don't mind.

[cajafa]

Or if you weren't aware of what the tradition is that you're honoring. That would be sort of senseless (stupid or evil is way too strong). Saying it's tradition is inadequate, you need to know what that tradition is...don't you? Doing somthing today because your people have done it for years, is not a love of tradition. It's just a continuation of tradition. A love of tradition would be knowing why that tradition began, if and how it has changed over the years and if and why it continues to have meaning in your life. Too often people point to tradition as a way of not having to give a reason. It's tradition! Not good enough.

[clevernamehere]

I am really surprised that any published woman would change her name, hyphenating included, when name recognition can be so important. It is a pretty significant sacrifice for something that is at most a cultural tradition and not even a universal cultural tradition (Chinese women being one of several ethnic groups than have traditionally kept their birth names).