Marriage Name Changes and Google Rankings: a Feminist 2.0 Dilemma

A name is forever, once it's been indexed in Google. There's been much buzz about how to juice your Google presence by making your name more unusual, but what is a woman to do when she gets married? A quest for search engine optimization tips about how to preserve your Google rankings when you change your name came up short, so I'm open to suggestions. It's a feminist 2.0 dilemma.

When I got married two years ago, the whole name change issue confused me. I decided to hyphenate, combining my last name and my husband's with a tiny dash. That little dash has proven challenging. But changing my name full stop felt dishonest, while keeping my own name felt weirdly disrespectful to both my husband and any of our future offspring. And so I hyphenated, and it's been annoying because I never fully owned the name change. I don't always use the hyphen (mostly I stick stubbornly to my own surname; sometimes, like with the car dealer, I use my husband's last name for sheer convenience) and as such have three different names I use on a regular basis. I thought keeping the maiden name in there would preserve old Google rankings and professional associations, but that the new name would be an adequate nod to tradition and acknowledgment of my new life. But in Google, as in life, my pre and post married selves remain two distinct entities.

In 2004, Katie Roiphe wrote a fascinating history of the name change and notes that 90% of American women change their names upon marriage. But it's a losing battle for many of us. Roiphe writes, "We might prefer equal naming practices, but how in a practical sense could they be implemented? How can both people preserve the longevity and tradition of their surnames? The truth is there is something unsatisfying about either the bride or groom giving up their name."

She also notes, "hyphenating is socially irresponsible as well as aesthetically disastrous: What happens when Julian Hesser-Friend marries Tessa Rosenfeld-Cassidy"?

My friend Gina faces that challenge with her kids, but she is unfazed. She said, "well, they'll be smarter than me, so they'll figure it out." Gina hyphenated, but so did her husband. She says, "Neither of us wanted to give up our names....but we weren't opposed to the idea of adding a name. We knew we wanted to have children, and we wanted ourselves and our children to have the same last name, so it felt like one family unit. It felt like a symbolic gesture towards combining our lives.

"It's long, but the benefits outweigh the negative aspects for us." Gina notes, "I definitely consider myself a feminists but I don't think I made these choices because I'm a feminist. More like we made these choices because they were fair and right for our family."

Bu she says, "I think I would feel less comfortable with the whole situation of my husband hadn't done it. We wanted everyone in the family to have the same last name. Our sister in law's response was, 'well what if you get divorced'? But she had taken her husband's whole last name!! What if SHE got divorced"? Indeed.

A 2005 study found that women are increasingly choosing their husband's names. I've found this to be true in my own group of friends, and frankly it surprises me. On the other hand, we wait so long to get married now, we fully own the process of becoming brides in a way women just couldn't 50 years ago. Maybe a name (outside of Google) is just letters on a page.

I asked some friends how they made their decisions to change, or not change, their names. Karen kept her name, and her son also bears her maiden name. I asked her why and she gave me three excellent reasons, "Why not? My last name has been a really big part of my identity my whole life, my family lineage would die if I didn't keep it, and third... my husband doesn't own me."

She noted that her husband doesn't really feel strongly about his last name, so it wasn't an issue. For my friend Hillary, on the other hand, name changing was a negotiation. She says, "it was something I was not inclined to do at the beginning. One, my husband feels strongly about keeping his name. [But] as a feminist I sort of have inhibitions about changing my name."

But, she continued,

"I think I have enough time in my life to create a new identity- I didn't have to hold on to my last one. It was kind of a clean break. Most people, and myself included, didn't think I would change my name. Having said that, I'm phasing out my last name gradually. Part of it is me adjusting to it, and part of it is other people as well. Hillary has different email handles with both her old and new names, just in case a recipient was confused. But she says, "...on Facebook I have both my names. In some ways you can keep your maiden as part of your Internet identity. I get introduced both ways- put the name out there so people get used to it. I have that moment when I introduce myself and literally pause. So I've become just Hillary-- a Madonna like thing."

Oh, we cackled over that one. I feel exactly the same way. I'm constantly emphasizing my first name and garbling, or even omitting my last name upon introduction, as if I were introducing myself to a five year old instead of a business associate. But sometimes I feel like a fraud when I introduce the hyphenated name and so I swallow the syllables, which Jewish and Italian, vowel heavy names make auditorially challenging for the person on the other end.

But it's hard to go whole hog too. Three months into her name change, Hillary says, "I feel sort of identity-less. I don't feel like my maiden name and I don't feel like my new name." We talked about the strange anti-climactic role change you experience as a wife (especially if you're a child of divorce) and then as a mother. Surely giving up your surname introduces a lot of other feelings to the mix?

For me, my new last name is both a professional hurdle and a private source of ambivalence. If I were famous, I'd give them both up entirely and just go by my first name. 'Til then, I will maybe just have to hire an expert in search engine optimization who specializes in confused, newly married feminists.

Follow Morra Aarons-Mele on Twitter: www.twitter.com/morra_am

Comments

[recless]

Ah well, as a non-breeder and someone who does not believe in marriage, I can safely steer clear of this little cliff. However, I would suggest, if names don't really mean anything, can we just go to numbers? Really, it would make filling out tax forms easier if everyone went by, say, their SSN.

[cylindar]

The problem is that your maiden name was derived from your father. This is just as stupid as taking on your husbands name. IE: Both your name and your husbands name are holdovers from patriarchal society. That is why (as you sound confused) that many women today simply take on their husbands name. It becomes a choice of which male name to take. That being said, I had proposed many years ago that people should take on a totally different name. One that does not reflect any patriarchal influence at all. Maybe you should try that.

[Pupadup4oBama]

I've often thought of that issue (the maiden name is your father's name) here is my take....an­d it's just my personal thing:
I will be moving near my husbands family, I've been with my family for the first part of my life (a long long time) I will still have the first and middle names that my parents gave me - to me that is more special because it is what THEY chose to name me - they thought they were beautiful names.
So now that my situation is changing - why not become a new person?
The bloodlines of my family will always be there...my children will be from my family as much as my husband's. I'm not his property, I'm his wife...and changing my name was just a tradition that I felt comfortable with.

[IowaGirl]

I'm sorry but your argument is specious. We may all bear our father's names, yeah, sure, but when the boys in the family get married they don't take their fiances' names, do they? It is not even part of the discussion in 99.99999 % of the cases, I am sure.

Boys get to KEEP the names they were GIVEN at birth. The ones that have defined them and which they have never doubted for a minute were theirs for all the years leading up to their marriages--more than a few decades, most likely. It is the TRANSACTION that is symbolic of a patriarchal society--the fact that it is only the women in this society who make the change and GIVE UP their rightful names.

Therein lies the rub.

I cannot imagine how it would feel to give up something that is so much a part of me just to suit others and submit to this creaky patriarchal custom. I would feel duped.

And the conflict that goes with name-changing is readily apparent in the hand-wringing of the writer's essay. Something about the whole enterprise troubles her and seems fraudulent, and she has not been able to come to terms with it. Listen to your intuitions. It was the wrong move for you, honey!

[texastrixie]

After I had divorced, I changed my name completely. I used a combination of my paternal grandmother's last name (who I never met) because she was a hellion who married three times when it just wasn't done!, and a more adult version of my given name. When I married again I told my husband that, " I picked this name, I paid for this name, I'm keeping this name." It upset his family more than him, but in the end I have been so happy with "my" name that now I cannot understand why people don't automatically change their names when they reach adulthood. It is the one present I gave myself that I have always cherished. No its not really Trixie!

[libwingoflibwing]

This is how I figure it. Genetically we all have the same mitochondria DNA as our mothers. So all of us should get our mother's maternal family name and keep it permanently. Men have the same Y chromosome DNA as their father. So men should also get their father's paternal family name and keep it permanently. The rest of our DNA is a mix from both parents. Women pass on their mitochondria DNA so they pass on their maternal family name to their kids Men only pass on the Y DNA to their sons, so they only pass on the paternal family name to their sons. Daughters adopt their father's paternal family name to identify with their family of origin, but it's not a permanent name, a genetic name, it's only an association name, a convenient fiction.

Each child gets two last names, they aren't hyphenated, they are separate names. So Mary's permanent family name is Hatch. Her husband, George, has the permanent paternal family name of Bailey. Their daughter is Zuzu Hatch Bailey, AKA Zuzu Hatch (but not AKA Zuzu Bailey.) Her brother is Tommy Hatch Bailey AKA Tommy Hatch AKA Tommy Bailey. When Zuzu gets married she drops her fictional paternal name and adopts her possible future sons' paternal name as her new fictional family name. She marries Sam Jones Wainwright Jr and becomes Zuzu Hatch Wainwright AKA Zuzu Hatch AKA 1/2 of Mr. & Mrs. Wainwright (but not AKA Zuzu Wainwright­.)

[cylindar]

What! Are you trying to confuse your kids?

[recless]

Whoa there.. easy now. You're making me dizzy..

[cocodee]

Too many rules!
What was your name when you were born.
That's your name when you die.

[Pupadup4oBama]

WAY too complicated.

[libwingoflibwing]

Nah. It's no more complicated than lots of things we take for granted. We just aren't acculturated to it.

It's actually easy. We get a family name from our moms. We get one from our dads. Women identify with their mom's family name. They trade the family name from their dad for the one from their husband's dad, (this is what we traditionally already do, right?)

Basically it's just taking our current traditional system and adding something easy...we also all get a family name through our moms. What's complicated about that?

[SarahSarah]

Oom...this is not a feminist dilemma since a feminist would not even consider changing her name.

[cajafa]

I agree. How is this the next version of feminism? And why would a feminist 2.0 be marrying a man who felt so strongly about changing her name to his?? It's now considered feminist to struggle over the name change...b­ut the result is usually to change the name anyway. Why all this tortured rationalization to get right back to cultural tradition? Do or don't do it, but quit pretending you're bringing us to the next level.

[NoraBloom]

Completely agree.

I also have to comment on the author's statement that keeping her name "would have felt weirdly disrespectful to both my husband and any of our future offspring.­" What a bizarre and decidedly unfeminist notion. How would keeping your name in any way be "disrespectful" to your husband? Geesh.

[Alethea]

Oh I disagree. I'm a staunch feminist, however, I still care about the feelings of my husband.

Being a feminist doesn't mean that you automatically become a cold hearted B. I struggled over the name change because I thought my maiden name was pretty and ethnically unique and his was boring, but he had always had lofty dreams about the woman who would take his name.

I ended up doing the hyphenated thing. It did feel like a cliche cop-out (and now my first + last name = 8 syllables long lol!) but it was the only way either of us could walk away without hurt feelings.

Cliche rule #1: Compromise is the key to a sucessful marriage. A little sacrafice on both our parts has worked out well. Besides, it's been good material for a lot of laughs. Although I suspect customer service people on the other end of the phone despise me. :)

[Simone]

Egads! This issue was done to death 30 years ago. When I got married there was no consideration that I would change my name nor that my husband would change his.

As for Aletha's anti-feminist comments..­.
"I'm a staunch feminist, however, I still care about the feelings of my husband." So carrying about the feelings of your husband means throwing away your own name? Has your husband even considered changing his name to your's?

"Being a feminist doesn't mean that you automatically become a cold hearted B". No feminist calls another woman a bitch .

"A little sacrafice on both our parts has worked out well. " Sounds like this name-issue compromise was one-sided.

Maybe you need to revisit this issue with your husband. Was his 'lofty dreams" about the quality of the woman or more about "who would take his name"?.

[NoraBloom]

I'm married to someone who would have thought it strange if I had abandoned my name. I don't understand why some men are so insecure about the idea of their wives maintaining their names.

p.s. - what exactly was the sacrifice on his part? That you kept your name in part?

[sjmaureen]

I also hyphenated when I remarried. I did that because I wanted to keep that last name connection with my children. I too feel nameless and introduce myself by my first name. My license actually has two lines for my name because years ago I used my middle name too. Now they will let me drop my first name or my husbands name but not my middle name! And when asked my last intial I am confused as to wether I have two or is just my husbands last name my last intial? I wish I knew...

[klondiker]

A good friend of mine recently married his girlfriend from college. She kept her last name, and he had no problems with that.

They have two kids, each of whom got unique last names (i.e., they didn't get either of their parents' last names. My friend and his wife wanted to give them totally new last names that they think "go" with the first name.)

I think the arrangement is kind of cool. But, all four of them have different last names, which frequently leads people to think that the parents are not married, or the kids are foster kids or something.

[Pupadup4oBama]

That just sounds so complicated.

[RevSpaminator]

My ex-wife kept her name, the children ended up with hyphenated names. My 2nd wife took my name and finds the whole hyphenated name idea idiotic. (I think she got tired of hearing the hard-line feminist talk when she was going to Evergreen.­)

Myself, I don't care what name you choose as long as your choice doesn't make my job as a computer programmer any more difficult.

How come people don't add creative titles anymore? Wouldn't "Overlord of the Outer Ridge" sound impressive? How about "Master of the Meaningless Trivialities"?

Reverend Spaminator, Keeper Of the Holy Chainsaw of Saint Ash, Babbling Prophet of the Bus Station, Bearskin and Stone Knife Technologist.

[whatfreshhellisthis]

In keeping with your suggestions, I suppose one could always use first name plus job title, i.e., Joe the Plumber, Tito the Builder. Or a name based on personality and/or achievement, such as Peter the Great, or Ivan the Terrible, or Sarah the Talker. And finally, names such as those used by native Americans, describing a trait----G­eorge-Who-­Won't-Go-A­way.

[pir anha]

wow, people still agonize about that? i am out of touch with the mainstream.

if it's really a big deal to keep the name you were born with (which would be my inclination if i hadn't changed my name already because my birth family was toxic, *wry grin*), why not pick an entirely new name together with your new spouse as a symbol of starting your own family? if you also want continuity, each of you can hyphenate your birth name with the new name, or promote it to a middle name. any children would just get the new name. you can be as creative as you want, or you can make a mashup of your old names -- this could provide for unending fun before settling down on something to tell the parents about, *grin*.

that seems the most equitable to me. i consider names profoundly personal, and wouldn't want to take my spouse's, or indeed, keep the one somebody else has given me at birth. i want a name that's my own.

[gladernie]

It's funny: based on the content of this blog, Google sees fit to display two ads below it: one a law Web site that provides "forms to change your name" and another for a Muslim dating service---showing a woman in a hijab. Appropriate, no?

[gladernie]

OK. I'm sure this is an old-school feminist knee-jerk reaction, but in my gut, I instantly feel disrespect for women who change their names when they get married. That any educated Western woman would agree to subsume her identity to a man's, in this day and age, just galls me. And the claim that it's better for the children that the couple will some day have doesn't convince me either. It's almost as if just being a woman isn't good enough: you have to take on a new, subservient identity and the new name that symbolizes it. I almost have less respect for the agnostic, hedging hyphenators than those who just adopt their husbands' names alone.

Also, it's "birth" name, not "maiden" name. "Maiden" implies virginity, and its use is subtly sexist.

[Marefur]

It dismays me that this is even an issue. Feeling "weirdly disrespectful" of your husband by not taking his name is pure acculturation. As for the children, step back and think about it. If my husband and I were to have children, they'd be coming out of MY body. If men had babies, it'd be a no-brainer -- OF COURSE they'd take the birthing parent's name. Whenever I meet a woman younger than a senior citizen who has taken her husband's name upon marriage, I put a "at best, unconscious; at worst, stupid" check mark next to her name in my head. My own sister falls into this category and she is, in fact, unconscious about just how much she has internalized the "you are girl, you are less-than" messages this world has been feeding her since the day she was born.

[IowaGirl]

Gladernie and Marefur (where in the hell did you come up with THOSE names, LOL)--I completely agree with your takes on this issue. I also feel a little bit of disrespect and dismay when I meet women who have taken their husbands' names long after this pathetic custom should have died out. For so many young women (and older women!) the name change is done completely unconsciously. Or they have some specious rationale for it--I don't know which is worse. I'm sure the vast majority of women simply don't want to create conflict with their new husband or his family.

They can tell themselves whatever they want, but once the name gets changed, the power has shifted instantly to his court. They are now part of a couple where He is the most important one, and always will be. The woman's individuality is immediately eroded, if not from the inside (which I seriously doubt), then definitely from the outside, as she is perceived by others and society. Only His name will go on absolutely everything the couple owns or produces, including the kids the women bear (at such risk). Anyone who respects the power of language should be able to understand the huge significance of deleting your own, long-held family name and taking another's.

The crap about different surnames being "confusing for the kids" is just so much bunkum. You know what's confusing for kids? Divorce.

[gladernie]

Right on, sister. Language shapes thought. I love yours, bythe way: specious, bunkum. Brilliant. I think that everyone has a right to do as they please on this issue, of course, but I can't help that feeling of disrespect. I was even surprised, recently, by a liberal feminist friend who, after being with her boyfriend for 12 years, having a child and moving in with him five years ago, finally married him in August. And then changed her name. At the age of 46. WHY? About "gladernie": it's an anagram.