Margie Grossman: A Mother/Daughter Moment

My husband says that when my adult daughter comes home I become a different person. I think what he means is that I become solicitous of her in a way that I am not with him. And I suppose this goes back to my theory of raising children.

I believe that we give to our children what we didn't experience in our own childhood. What I thought I lacked then, became much more important for me to provide to my kids, and probably out of proportion to its real value. I wasn't "tended to" as a child and although I assumed my parents loved me, the words were never spoken and many things were left unsaid, including body parts. So when my then 3-year-old daughter pointed to her "bagina" I was a happy camper.

The only thing that remained the same across generations is that I hardly ever fought with my mother, and I hardly ever argue with my daughter. It might seem hard to believe for the fighters out there, but I reserve my arguments for my husband. Hence his words "You become a different person when your daughter comes home." Sorry dear!

One day, however, my daughter and I did have a fight. It threw me entirely. And I didn't know how to handle it. Thank god for email. And I'd like to share this one with you. It has been shortened. I was trying to explain my viewpoint. The tension involved my advice to her about a recent boyfriend:

Me: "...I'm not saying it's the right way to be, but it's the way I am. What I'm trying to prevent is any misunderstandings that we have - not that that's a bad thing - but I don't want u ever to think that I'm not on your side or that I don't support u. I'm doing my best to be honest with u even though sometimes I know there will be a "backlash :)

And if u ever win the academy award for something (u never know), I would be thrilled to hear u say, "my mom always supported me"; so, I'm just laying the groundwork. xoxomom

Daughter: "hi ma, sorry for not being happier with your response. I know u meant well. It just made me doubt myself when I was trying to feel good about standing up for me before this cranky boy. Yes, we see things differently sometimes, but I know that's okay.

I know you're my biggest supporter, and if I were nominated for an academy award, you would be thanked and be my special guest. :) xo

The email is just one moment in the mother/daughter moments I have with Suzanne. It is thumbtacked to the wall in the bedroom she occasionally comes home to. I feel blessed.