By Aleksandra Alfonso
When I met Dan Savage - seeking his help as part of his MTV show on college campuses, "Savage U" - I had this extreme confusion stirring inside of me. I was TERRIFIED.
After a year and a half of a beautiful, roller coaster-like experience of a relationship, I had finally hit my breaking point. I had so much time, energy, love and hate invested in a relationship that just wasn't working. The only problem was that I was too in love with her to let it go.
The pain was excruciating, and it was almost as if we wanted to stay together just because the pain of being without each other was so much worse. But it was over and our time was expired. And that's how it ended. Dealing with a break up from someone in which I had such an intense relationship with really weighed down on me. It destroyed me; left me heartbroken. I was confused, upset, angry, hateful, and wanted absolutely NOTHING to do with female anything. I was confused about what I wanted out of my relationships and sex life. So, I explored the idea of being with guys again.
My main priority was avoiding everyone and anyone that had anything to do with my past and my ex-girlfriend. I stopped going to gay clubs and started hanging out with different people. I was just trying to make a life all on my own. With this new independence came a burning desire in my heart to be away from all female relationships, which to me just included drama and heartbreak. All I wanted at this point was someone to cuddle with me sometimes, make out with at my convenience, and ZERO COMPLICATIONS. And the way I saw it, that meant being with a guy. But I was worried what my community and peers would think of me. They might call me a "sellout," "confused," "a liar" or a "fauxmo." I felt like I was turning my back on everything.
But when I spoke to Dan, it suddenly sounded so simple. He reminded me of what I had always known myself: it doesn't matter what people say or think, it's my life, these are my choices and no one but me had to be a part of that experience.
Although my experiment dating boys was short lived, I did it and held my head high knowing it was what I wanted to do at the time, without feeling pressure from anyone else's standards. Dan's words reminded me of who I am and that people are always changing, and that's OK. His advice was perfect for that time in my life, and his words are constantly reflected in my daily life.
I am now in a healthy, wonderful relationship with a beautiful girl. Because Dan reminded me to be myself and worry solely about my happiness, I had a lot of time to reflect on what I wanted and who I wanted to be. Dan reminded me that this is my life, and I don't need to live it for anyone else.
Aleksandra's episode of "Savage U," which takes place at the University of Central Florida, airs Tuesday, May 8 at 11 p.m. ET/CT.
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