On Aasiya Hassan's Murder

When I was deciding on a husband, one of my criteria was that my spouse be the kind of guy who'd never hit me. A calm temperament was absolutely essential. My husband claims I had low standards. "Wouldn't you expect personal safety in any marriage?" He teased. Growing up in India in the 90's, news reports of brides being torched to death by their in-laws for bringing an insufficient dowry and maids being slapped around by their drunken spouses were commonplace. Alas, marital violence really wasn't something unheard of.

Last week, with Aasiya Hassan's frightful beheading at the hands of her husband, Founder and CEO of Bridges TV, my fear seemed reasonable once again. My South Asian community is in shock. Blogs are abuzz claiming that this is yet another example of how barbaric Muslims are and how my kind shouldn't be allowed into the USA -- Their venomous rantings leap off the screen.

Anger rises in my chest. Aasiya Hassan's murder is not about Muslims or Pakistanis or South Asians. It's about domestic violence. Each day, more than 600 families call the National Domestic Violence Hotline in America. They all can't possibly be Muslim, can they? Why don't people focus on the issue, instead of making this about ethnicity and religion? I want to scream.

Domestic violence happens among American Christians, American Jews, American Atheists, as much as it happens in India, Pakistan, Bangladesh or among American Muslims. I could roll statistics off my tongue, but even as I recall those numbers I know I harbor a dirty secret. Aasiya Hassan's murder is not about the teachings of our faiths, but it is about the way that many, in both the Muslim and Hindu communities, treat domestic violence.

Yes it's true that domestic violence cuts across all barriers. But, we as a community are guilty of averting our eyes, labeling domestic violence a "personal" problem, advising our girls to be "patient" and "work it out". Leaders in the community, especially women leaders, lecture women ad nauseam on the values of covering up a husband's faults. We teach our daughters that some marriage is better than no marriage. Muzzamil Hassan had been divorced twice before, both times on the grounds of domestic violence. Was there no one in the Muslim community who could have spoken up to warn Aasiya ? Or, like some parents, were Aasiya Hassan's folks just eager to get a daughter off their hands.

When South Asian women do muster the courage to complain of abuse, they are not always believed, or they find they don't have their family's support. Some learn that they are bringing shame to their parents and families. Even educated, earning women are taught to fear what society will say, and are told to worry that their children will be seen as offspring of a broken home. Self-sacrifice and martyrdom are glorified.

Watching Changeling, I couldn't help but think how one mother's heartbreak eventually led to so many positive changes. Aasiya Hassan's murder is horrific, but perhaps her story will give our community reason for pause and encourage countless other women to journey out of violence.

Ms. Naazish YarKhan is an editor and writer, living in Glendale Heights. She is the founder of Writers Studio, www.writersstudiowo rkshops.com, where she coaches students for publication, and several have won international and national writing awards. Her by-line has appeared in over 31 publications including the Chicago Tribune, and her commentaries have aired on NPR and Chicago Public Radio. She has completed work on her first novel.

Comments

[Salman150]

Do you see the fallacy of your remarks? I can find equally if not worse crimes against women in every community. Just because the guy founded a TV channel about Islam means that he got his instructions from Quran about killing his wife? Absurd! Get some education first. Why do only non-Muslims get to kill their wives and not get their religion blamed in the process? Such hypocrisy.

[Salman150]

Smulkin, yes non-Muslims don't use "scimitars" to kill their wives. Instead they use Spearguns:
"A man today pleaded guilty to using a speargun to kill his pregnant wife and, four days later, his young daughter before dumping their remains in waste bins."
http://www.smh.com.au/news/National/I-killed-wife-and-daughter-with-speargun-husband/2005/02/01/1107228683406.html
Yes siree. These good, peace loving "non-Muslims" also kill their families and burn down their homes:
*A Mason, Ohio, man faces five charges of murder after allegedly killing his wife and four young children and setting fire to his house Friday night.
http://newschomp.blogspot.com/2008/01/michel-veillette-kills-wife-4-kids.html
AND if these good, peace loving "Athiests, Jews or Christians" DO decide to behead their wives/loved ones, they make sure to parade the decapitated head around in the streets:
*A man who decapitated his girlfriend and paraded the head around a village on the Greek island of Santorini is now fighting for his life in hospital
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/7539944.stm
*Husband kills wife, chops her up and stuffs her in a freezer:
http://www.sodahead.com/question/42706/husband-kills-wife-and-stuffs-her-in-freezerwhat-is-wrong-with-this-guy-please-read/

[Naazish YarKhan - Huffpost Blogger]

Smulkin, Getting a little bigoted I can see.

Fbr79 - While Bloggers may not be posting racist comments, their readers definitely can be! Peruse other blogs on the topic, or just read some of the responses to this post and you'll get my point! Case in Point JohnFromCensorati!

[JohnFromCensornati]

I would like to once again point out the absurdity of your comment.
Islam is NOT a race. It's a religion! A choice.

[smulkin]

American Christians, American Jews, and American Atheists who practice domestic violence don't chop their wive's heads off with scimitars.

[fbr79]

"Blogs are abuzz claiming that this is yet another example of how barbaric Muslims are and how my kind shouldn't be allowed into the USA" - what blogs are these? I have never seen that claim in any blog, unless you mean some neo-nazi site.

[JohnFromCensornati]

To argue that religion has nothing to do with it is absurd, especially when the religion in question is so misogynistic. Pointing to non-muslim domestic violence is a weak "look over there" argument.

[Ergon]

Yes it's a major problem. But good if your community's doing something about it.