I realized my second marriage was in trouble sometime after our fifth anniversary. My nature being what it is, I took all the proactive steps I could think of to save that marriage. The very idea of divorce was an anathema to me. Besides, I still loved him as much as I had the day we married despite the problems. I worked at it for five years, but in the end realized it would take two of us to save the marriage. Not only didn't he think he had a problem, he didn't mind the endless fights, sleeping in separate beds, or the distress we were causing our kids. Saying the words, "I want a divorce" broke my heart. It took years to mend.
The most difficult thing for me to overcome was the shame. I thought I was a failure. I wasn't a healthy woman, or this wouldn't have happened. I must be faulty, or I could have made it work. I knew I had tried as hard as a person could try, and changed aspects of my own behaviors that needed work, but...ah, there's that word, but. My head knew I wasn't a failure; my heart was a different matter. I dreaded going out lest someone ask me how my husband was, or even where he was. What would they think when I said he was moving, that we were getting a divorce? How could I explain, when I felt so ashamed of my own failure?
I took long walks and screamed in the woods. I continued to attend meetings, and talked about how I felt. I spent time with each of my daughters, who seemed relieved we were no longer living together, though one of them suggested I had a faulty picker, which certainly did not alleviate my feelings of failure. I didn't know what frightened me more: the person I might choose next, or the idea that no one would want me when they learned I had been divorced twice already. When I finally went on a date with the father of a young friend, I asked if he had ever married again and he replied, "Four times!" I wanted to jump off his boat. After that date I wondered if I should say I had been divorced once if asked. Eventually I could tell the truth, but no, that wouldn't work for me. My face would not believe what I was saying. Besides, that was obviously not the way to begin a new relationship. For years I chose not to date, which seemed easier.
Eventually I did meet someone else. He, too, was divorced. We were older, and neither felt any need to marry again. But it wasn't until I was talking with an older woman friend who had attended my workshop that I finally was able to let go of my shame about those divorces. She was talking about her marriage of fifty years, and how many compromises she had made, some of them huge and not in her own best interest. On balance, she believed her marriage had been a good one, and also felt that she had lost a lot of herself within it. She wondered aloud if it would have been better to divorce. I had lost myself as well, she agreed, and had taken years to get "me" back after each divorce, but who was to say which was the better choice? "But you didn't fail," I stammered in response. "Why do we see divorce as a failure, especially when so many marriages are lifeless," she asked in return. "I guess in my heart I believe what society tells me," I replied. That surprised her. "Why?" she asked, continuing, "Isn't it just a matter of choice? And who knows until way after the fact, whether it was the right one?" Those words freed me.
I knew the answer. When I left my first marriage I was numb because I believed my husband would disapprove of what I felt about most things. Feeling came back very slowly. Who would I have become had I stayed? I would much rather be alive and divorced then married and dead. To stay in the second marriage I would have had to live with daily rage and discontent, clearly not a healthy option. To stay married or to divorce is a matter of choice. Because of this wise woman, I finally found acceptance for both of mine.
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Thanks to you for this. It always amazes me when one partner does all this work - what you describe is what work means to me! - finally leaves, and then is blamed for leaving! It seems the only healthy thing to do, for me. When I finally left my second husband, I knew I had tried everything I could try, from 12-step programs, to therapy, to altering some of my own dysfunctional behaviors, so that when I did leave, I didn't regret it. Sounds like you have come to the same place. Bravo to you to.
Unfortunately there are many out there, men and women, who are afraid to leave.
I've been very fortunate to have been married to the same woman for 34 years. She is still the best thing that ever happened to me. Moreover, she has made me a better person. Not intentional, but just by being together.
I hope others can find the right person to love and be loved by.
However, I do know this: nothing that has a success rate of a mere 50% can be deemed a viable thing. Nothing.
So, I beg the question: Is marriage simply a failed institution? Has marriage become obsolete? I do not know the answer. Since people make up marriages, perhaps these are the union of failed and broken people. Don't know.
Clearly, something is awry.
Sometimes I think we Americans have just gone bunkers. This endless and nonsensical pursuit perfection. This relentless quest to "find me."
This is what I say to people every day: "put matters in proper perspective. Things could always be worse!" I saw a gentleman yesterday with an oxygen tank and walker. He has suffered several heart attacks. Boy, I am truly blessed.
I too am so sick and tired of all the whining and complaining. We all have our "demons" so to speak. But we have to keep going.
Life is what you make it. Be grateful for what you have. Gratitude is the key. Learn to be humble and grateful.
Keep life simple. Smile. Enjoy the simple pleasures. Because after all, Life Is Good!
People change over the course of a marriage, humans are not static like rocks. One or the other or both have changed. Today, I believe too many people have accepted the philosophy of "it's my way or the highway." Life is full of compromises, marriage is a subset of life, so perhaps we should be willing to consider compromises in our marriages. No two people are going to be EXACTLY alike, so why do we expect that of our spouses?
Often I find that statement is simply an excuse to leave someone (not talking about the author).