When I went through my first divorce over thirty years ago, I had two daughters, ages three-and-a-half and seven. My husband and I worked in the same business, which was definitely a boys' club. Many of those men were his friends. I had no idea if any of them would ever hire me again. To say I was terrified doesn't begin to cover what I was experiencing. I can remember my fear in every molecule of my body. My friends saw me as super competent, mouthy, together, compassionate - none of them believed I was as scared as I told them I was. Each night after I managed to tuck my daughters into their respective beds and read to them until they fell asleep, I would collapse on my bed and dissolve in tears. How could I expect my friends to believe me when I barely recognized myself?
Much of what I feared came to pass, though not all of it. None of those men would even 'take' a meeting with me, let alone hire me. I was out of work for more than a year before a woman finally did, an irony of course. Because I suspected I would never work as much as I had before the pending divorce, I was still frightened. I was right, although thankfully I didn't know it then. It was almost impossible for me to come up with alternative work solutions because I was still in a state of panic about my survival. Taking my daughters to their activities, marketing, making meals, and trying to seem 'normal' took everything I had. Friends made suggestions, but I barely heard them. When one of them proposed teaching at UCLA Extension, I almost screamed. I had never taught college; why would anyone hire me?
Eventually my fear of not being able to pay my mortgage overcame my fear of calling the woman who ran UCLA Extension. At a union meeting weeks before, a man I didn't know very well suggested he send me his notes for the same class I would be teaching if I were hired. I almost memorized his notes. I didn't use them once I started teaching, but they did help me sound reasonably intelligent at that first meeting, and I think they helped me get the job. The afternoon I was supposed to teach my first class I thought I had the flu. I pulled myself away from the toilet to drive over to the Westwood campus. Much to my surprise, I enjoyed teaching that first class. I was good at passing along what I had learned as a writer to those who wanted to pursue a similar career. Landing that job turned the tide; I realized I would find other work that I enjoyed and that we would not starve.
I did survive, as did my children. I learned that I was actually made of sturdy stuff, I grew, and finally, I flourished. What still amazes me about that time of my life is how terrified I was, and how certain I was that I did not have the wherewithal to make a life. If my husband had not had an affair and lied about it for over a year, I might not have left him because of that fear. Having seen many marriages festering with wounds of mistrust, I know that is not what I wanted.
My mother frequently told me that she hoped I would find a man to take care of me. I believed that without one I would not be able to take care of myself. Thank God I learned that was not true. Even if the men in that boys' club had hired me, women earned sixty or seventy cents on the dollar back then. I had reason to be afraid. Women still earn less. Now, even though many men share child rearing, women take on most of that job when they divorce. These days the economy is dreadful, with few jobs available. How well can a woman who has been out of the labor force entirely, or only working part time, fare in these troubling times? If you're female with children and facing divorce, fear is part of the process.
Rely on your friends, even if you can't hear them very well. Take solace from those kids; their delight can bring back some of your joy. Baby steps will put you back in the job market. You can even enroll in courses that will help you find your way. Don't forget to breathe. And don't be ashamed of the tears, or how often they come. Tears are healing. I know. I've been there.
Follow Nancy Alvarez on Twitter: www.twitter.com/@littlenanster
This woman put herself in her bad situation: same career; same career cronies; same professional ties; same, uh-oh, life. Variety is the spice. If you're gonna get married - and good luck with that - marry someone who complements you, NOT someone you have to complement. (Or match.) Don't sacrifice your life power to fit in with someone else's. People are afraid to be alone. Why is that? I have a hunch it's because people never learn, in our socially-focused society which is always asking you how you served it lately, proper SELF-respect.
Being alone is being by oneself. (My favorite company, personally. Learn to cultivate it.)
Loneliness? That's being with the wrong person.
If you have to change yourself to be in a relationship: BIG RED FLAG.
Cafebeege: If marriage is really about children, nothing prevents a couple from having kids without marriage, although this still invites a huge financial and legal risk for a father, mostly. I really think that you make a valid (perhaps unintended) point about hiring a surrogate as a viable option for a father who wants a child of their own, but who wants to avoids the legal-financial quagmire of divorce, which is statistically likely. For women, I also think that artificial insemination is a good way to satisfy the urge to have a kid, and in such a way that a father is protected from divorce courts.
Of course, you (likely) will say that a child should benefit from both parents being involved. I agree, in an ideal world. However, given the statistical facts regarding the realities of divorce, and statistical facts regarding custody settlements, it is unlikely that a child would benefit from both parents (particularly the father) anyway.
Welcome to the future, ladies. Certainly, some of you will still be able to find a future husband who is sucker enough. But just think, your child will be inheriting DNA from him. You will only have yourself to blame when the kid inherits irrational tendencies, form your divorced husband, who you will loath (e.g., according to this discussion thread).
I hear this all the time but never see any proof. The statistic as far as I understand is an average and doesn't factor in the fact that men often work in higher paying trades that women do not work in.
If the stat is true then why hire men at all when you can get by with hiring women and paying them less?
You never explained why you got fired in the first place and dove right into soliciting sympathy.
And also, if I understand correctly, a "forever" commitment is okay to make if the person is just okay, with the understanding that if things get a lot worse then forever is out. Is that right?
The incredible thing about this article is that the woman's story of self-empowerment was her coming to grips with the kinds of responsibilities that every male takes for granted. One has to pay their bills. One has to earn their keep. This story of empowerment exposes how many women exploit marriage in order to avoid these realities, and husbands bear the brunt of this burden. No dice, I say. I'll stick to myself. I might marry abroad, perhaps. Have a nice time finding a sucker, ladies.
Just curious, I guess. As a former "foreign wife".
As I mentioned, I don't plan to marry. But if I did, the reason that I would marry abroad is because I would choose a country with fair divorce laws. In terms of laundry, etc., it would be far cheaper and less risky to hire someone for that job. Indeed, I would probably hire someone for that kind of work anyway, even if married, in order to reduce strain on the marriage.
Note that the author's story of empowerment was her coming to grips with the kinds of responsibilities and most men, and husbands, take for granted. If marriage is supposed to be among equals, then I would be a sucker to marry someone who needed me to take care of her. No thanks. I try to avoid being a sucker, when I can. And because marriage leads to legal and financial obligations that are impossible to to undo, and that are strongly slanted to the husband's disadvantage, I'll avoid it at all costs. If marriage were a business decision, the risks outweigh the rewards. If marriage is really about love, then love should be enough.
All her story told us was that O'henry sometimes rescues you with a surprise(!) happy ending. But most stories, we all know, don't have happy endings. Indeed, some of the more interesting stories are horror stories... where, at the ending, we find the protagonist shivering under some bushes in the dark, damp, cold forest, with the wails of hungry wolves sounding closer and closer...
Practical advice is: When you are young, study your hardest hardest and get a college degree in something useful, such as Nursing, Engineering, Doctor, Accounting,etc. Work hard, don't make excuses. Then you'll always have a job and Financial Security.
I think that anyone considering divorce should look at the financial implications on everyone involved. Including the futures of our children.
This is so true i fell it is universal.
Women do this schit if they ever think they can take care of themselves, and if some new hot rod comes sweet talking them.
You will hear all this nonesense about how you dont talk as much, i want more, blah blah blah.
It is sad that "for better or for worse" to some women means as long as they need you and depend on you and you are doing very well. The moment it is their turn to give you moral support to survive any problems, you are history.
Sad indeed, but what goes around, comes around
Encouraging women to divorce because they're unhappy is, in my opinion, seriously irresponsible. Thousands of men commit suicide -- and homicide, too -- after spouses seek separation or divorce. Serving someone with divorce papers is a serious psychological event.
If a mother kills her kids, she can often escape punishment by claiming post-partum depression. Very often in these cases, the husband is suspected, accused and even convicted of abuse and the homicidal mother is, to varying degrees, acquitted of responsibility. Yet when women have their husbands evicted from home, separated from kids, served with restraining orders, isolated from former neighbors, forced into costly and humiliating and (many say) gender-biased family law systems and shackled with crushing child support payments -- are men given sympathy, understanding or mercy when they react like crazy people? I've never heard of it happening.
I think it's time women stood up and took responsibility for the havoc they wreak with their proclivity for divorce.
Think about it ladies. This is someone who, because of a feeling of "love," would sign away his financial and legal future. You will have to share decisions with that decision maker for years to come. How would it feel if he sacrificed your house or shared investments due to an impulsive and hormonally driven whim, similar to, or equal to, "love"?
The thing that I am learning from this conversation, is how it casts the typical male "fear of commitment" in a different light. A fear of commitment is usually a deal-breaker in relationships. But I think that it might be a sign of financial responsibility. If a boyfriend is avoiding marriage, he actually might be a more responsible life partner!