Several years into my second marriage, one of my friends gave me the book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans. I didn't read it for four years, despite the fact that I understood why she had given it to me. I didn't believe his behavior was abusive. It was very unpleasant, yes, but I was much too smart to live with abuse. When I finally opened the book, we had moved to a different state to try and save the marriage, as if geography could fix what was wrong. Of course it didn't. Within a year of the move, we were no longer together. I cried my way through that book, chapter by chapter. When I look at the notes now that I scribbled in the margins then, the words I see most often are "that was abuse!"
For someone who prided myself on my psychological acumen, I was amazingly naïve. We had been having horrible, loud, endless fights for years. Often I had no idea what we are even arguing about, but he would accuse me of something or take a tangent I felt I had to respond to, and the fight would continue. In the book that is called "blocking and diverting," and he did it all the time. Eventually I learned to leave the room at the first change of subject to end the fighting, but I still felt confused by what these battles were about. It was odd to learn they weren't about anything; that wasn't the goal. He didn't want to talk about whatever issue was the topic to begin with, and this was how he forced me to back off. It was horrible every time.
My first husband would make fun of me, tease me in a way that didn't feel teasing at all, and then say I didn't have a sense of humor. He also discounted my opinions, and did so in a very derogatory manner. Even though I spent hours laughing with my friends about almost everything, including my own behaviors, I worried that I didn't have a sense of humor. Having jokes told at my expense, and then being derided for not laughing at them was extremely debilitating. I burrowed further and further inside, until, by the end, I had no idea who I was, what I believed, or most important, what I felt. Verbal nastiness disguised as joking, undermining and trivializing were all defined as abuse in the book
There were other behaviors I accepted as well. I remember one of my husbands towering over me and yelling as I sat on the couch, and can still feel my fear all these years later. He didn't touch me, so how could it be abuse? Years later my other husband stood up and towered over me in a joint therapy session we were having with a substance counselor, who also stood up, towering over my husband because he was so tall, as he asked him, "Don't you see that you are frightening her?" He must have. Wasn't that the point? Over the years I'm sure I talked about these behaviors in therapy, but none of those therapists put a name to what I was enduring. Is it cynical or wrongheaded of me to think that was because they were male? Unfair, certainly, since the substance counselor was a man as well.
For me, the most disturbing part is that I allowed two different men to treat me this way. I knew that the threats, the judging, the trivializing, the discounting, and the repeated change of subject felt awful, but I had no idea what to do about any of it. What feels the saddest is that the second time around I had no excuse. If I had read the book my friend had given me earlier, I would have suggested counseling and forced the counselor to call the behavior what it was. Who knows if my husband would have been willing to look at his behavior and then alter it, but I would have given him the chance. The lesson for me has been to not avoid looking at anything, though it came too late to save either marriage. To understand my own behavior, own it, and work on changing what was dysfunctional about it became my mantra. I was also determined to name the behavior of my partner, if not immediately to him, at least to myself. I have since learned that if I admit my own issues, I am much more clear about his, and much less frightened about bringing them up. The book was a catalyst for me, and the beginning of the path I took to arrive at my life partner's door.
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I am so ashamed I stayed with him for so long. He will never change and in fact continues to tell me to f*#k off etc now that we're divorced. This is a terrible terrible form of abuse and no, it is not always 2 sided. Not at all.
Having said all of that, it also seems that most do a wonderful job at confessing the sins of their partners, but spend very little time in self-reflection. I'm reminded of the quote from Samuel Johnson.
"The fountain of content must spring up in the mind, and he who hath so little knowledge of human nature as to seek happiness by changing anything but his own disposition, will waste his life in fruitless efforts and multiply the grief he proposes to remove,"
This seems to be great concept. While this may not resolve the issues of physical abuse or perhaps emotional abuse, it would go a long way in putting things in the right perspective,
If we look for faults in others, we will most certainly find them will little effort.
that being said, consider the following scenarios...
if you're a woman walking alone at night and a group of men is walking toward you, are you afraid?
if you're a man walking alone at night and a group of women are walking toward you, are you afraid?
then, maybe you'll understand a woman's pov, as half the human race that's been dominated by the other half for thousands of years. only 100 years ago women were property in marriage.
that doesn't mean some men aren't abused or haven't suffered. it only means that law - a recent and often thin thread of protection - is an imperfect and fragile vehicle for parity. it's always a work in progress and that's why people tell their stories here - the point being it's their story. if it isn't yours, then tell yours - don't condemn the poster for recounting her life's experiences.
mostly it's sad. but i'm not going to waste any more time on people who wallow in self-victimization.
i wish you well.
Women are legally privileged and can do what they want to a man without suffering major consequences.
I lived the same two scenarios you describe -- first husband joked about me & minimized who I was; he then accused me of having no sense of humor when I didn't go along with the mean sarcasm.
The second husband was verbally and emotionally abusive, so much so, I was physically, mentally & emotionally debilitated by the time the marriage ended. My growing children were also negatively impacted by the atmosphere he created by being such a bully.
I am amazed as some of the comments posted here. By stating what happened, you are not a victim but an empowered voice determined to share your story so other women recognize the telltale signs early on and avoid similar problems.
Keep up the good work.
cnb
They all stay married, though, too painful to lose the kids, retirement money and the house.
Women have it easy.
A wife planning a divorce can do whatever she wants however she wants in any way she wants.
But ANY form of expressed disagreement or displeasure of ANY kind by the husband can be called "abuse" at the discretion of the wife.
Saying "yes dear" may be called "abuse" -- it will be considered "patronizing".
Saying nothing may also be called "abuse" -- it will be considered "sulking".
As a husband you can't do/say anything and you can't even do/say nothing.
Suggestions?
Domestic violence reform and feminist intrusion in civil law have made the marital home a paradise for abusive women, and a nightmare for married men being abused.
I am certain that the author is not making a statement that one gender has a monopoly on abuser status and the other has a monopoly on victim status.
Self-help books are not so much about "help" (or fairness in reporting) as they are about sales/marketing.
Of course.
And, I do not doubt the blog poster's personal experience. The only issues is the potential for perpetuating unfounded gender-based stereotypes -- which the blog poster I am certain had no intention of doing -- but which are so persistent when they take root.
Unfortunately, communication of both support for the poster and concern for the potential for stereotype creation is difficult to do.
She also goes to great pains to direct her readers to only see therapists who share her particular view on verbal abuse.
I don't think the author is purposely trying to label only men as abusers. But, I also believe that a book marketed to women will be written with an eye towards its audience.
"2. Similarly, they may think that they have a right to put down their partner, or to tell their partner what s/he’s thinking, meaning, and so forth. They might think they are entitled to act the way they do because of their age, because they’ve been around the place longer, are of a superior gender or race, or because they make more money than their mate. Their sense of entitlement blinds them to their abusive behavior."
http://www.verbalabuse.com/page3/page4/page4.html
What good does it do you to look back at your life and either recall or recharacterize some incident in a bad marriage as "abuse"?
It is a classic case of wanting to be "right" ("see ... I told you I was a victim") rather than happy.
Convincing yourself that you were a victim of "abuse" does what exactly for you? Justify your present-day resentments and nastiness to your many-years-now divorced husband? Justify your bad-mouthing your many-years-now divorced husband to your children, family and acquaintances?
But that is a secondary issue.
Nasty people come in each gender.
Are you suggesting that in a bad relationship -- in your bad marriage -- your husband was the only one of you who engaged in nasty behavior?
What actually happens in a bad relationship in most cases is that both parties to the bad relationship engage in their own form of bad relationship behavior.
In a bad relationship, the parties are likely out of sync -- one party trying to be "nice" when the other is "nasty" and vice versa. In that moment, the party acting "nice" will forget her/his own "nasty" behavior and feel victimized ... and then get angry and engage in "nasty" behavior" of her/his own that keeps the cycle going ... down the drain.
These are two-way streets that don't have any gender lines. You know that.
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*Perpetrators of actual physical abuse are criminals and should be prosecuted.
It's you that makes it a gender war.
Where is the "war"?
My point is that female-male relationships are two-way streets.
Mother Teresa does not marry Attila the Hun.
In 50 percent of the "abuse" relationships, both the woman and man are perpetrators. Of the rest, in 25 percent the perpetrator is the woman alone and in 25 percent the perpetrator is the man alone.
There is no gender polarity in fact.
But there is gender polarity in the accusations and claims of "abuse".
That is a problem.
In my opinion, the "men are abusers" and "women are victims" bit (and the "mutual arguments are verbal abuse" bit) bit does a disservice to multiple constituencies: (a) women - who should not look at themselves as victims; (b) men - who should not presumptively be treated as abusers; and (c) victims of actual physical violence/abuse - women and men who should have their valid claims of harm heard and prosecuted instead of being diluted by so many false/tactical accusations of "abuse".
Physical violence/abuse happens in relationships. And it should be prosecuted as a crime.
But false accusations of "abuse" exist in a far greater volume than actual abuse. False accusations of "abuse" also should be prosecuted as a crime.
The difference with verbal/emotional abuse is that it's a regular pattern in the way the person relates, even when things are "good." Abusers need to have the upper hand in relationships and one way they do that is by keeping other people "in their place" with teasing and put-downs. It isn't just between spouses...you see it in friendships and in parent/child relationships, too.
Men definitely don't have the lock on this kind of behavior, women do it, too.
There's a tendency on this site for people to take offense at first person accounts by women as if, in talking about the particular men in theilr lives, they are applying the same judgements to all men. It's not about gender, it's about people telling their stories. That those people tend to be women more than men is possibly because women do tend to talk and write more about relationships.
I'm sure we'd all love to read more first person accounts by men. Maybe you should write some posts to balance out the perspectives.
That book opened my eyes. It was a validation of my experience.
I would recommend it to anyone in a contentious marriage or living arrangement.
It was given to me by a couples counselor, during a one on one session. I was surprised by the title when he gave it to me. I thought we just had 'issues', and needed a mediator to help us solve them. "I didn't believe his behavior was abusive. It was very unpleasant, yes, but I was much too smart to live with abuse."
Verbal Abuse is much more insidious than just calling someone names. My ex didn't do that, he did however, use other tactics (in the book). It's about power and control over another. Patricia Evans has four books, I've read them all. " "Controlling People," clearly lays out what goes on in the mind of the person who uses verbal abuse to control someone, or some group. There is nothing else like it. Dr. David L. Quinby, Professor, Emeritus, Dept. of Psychology, Youngstown State University says, "Human kind urgently needs this, both on an individual and a collective level. Nothing else seems to be working very effectively." "