More

Featuring fresh takes and real-time analysis from HuffPost's signature lineup of contributors
Nancy Alvarez

GET UPDATES FROM Nancy Alvarez
 

How Do I Know It's Abuse?

Posted: 11/03/11 03:25 PM ET

Several years into my second marriage, one of my friends gave me the book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans. I didn't read it for four years, despite the fact that I understood why she had given it to me. I didn't believe his behavior was abusive. It was very unpleasant, yes, but I was much too smart to live with abuse. When I finally opened the book, we had moved to a different state to try and save the marriage, as if geography could fix what was wrong. Of course it didn't. Within a year of the move, we were no longer together. I cried my way through that book, chapter by chapter. When I look at the notes now that I scribbled in the margins then, the words I see most often are "that was abuse!"

For someone who prided myself on my psychological acumen, I was amazingly naïve. We had been having horrible, loud, endless fights for years. Often I had no idea what we are even arguing about, but he would accuse me of something or take a tangent I felt I had to respond to, and the fight would continue. In the book that is called "blocking and diverting," and he did it all the time. Eventually I learned to leave the room at the first change of subject to end the fighting, but I still felt confused by what these battles were about. It was odd to learn they weren't about anything; that wasn't the goal. He didn't want to talk about whatever issue was the topic to begin with, and this was how he forced me to back off. It was horrible every time.

My first husband would make fun of me, tease me in a way that didn't feel teasing at all, and then say I didn't have a sense of humor. He also discounted my opinions, and did so in a very derogatory manner. Even though I spent hours laughing with my friends about almost everything, including my own behaviors, I worried that I didn't have a sense of humor. Having jokes told at my expense, and then being derided for not laughing at them was extremely debilitating. I burrowed further and further inside, until, by the end, I had no idea who I was, what I believed, or most important, what I felt. Verbal nastiness disguised as joking, undermining and trivializing were all defined as abuse in the book

There were other behaviors I accepted as well. I remember one of my husbands towering over me and yelling as I sat on the couch, and can still feel my fear all these years later. He didn't touch me, so how could it be abuse? Years later my other husband stood up and towered over me in a joint therapy session we were having with a substance counselor, who also stood up, towering over my husband because he was so tall, as he asked him, "Don't you see that you are frightening her?" He must have. Wasn't that the point? Over the years I'm sure I talked about these behaviors in therapy, but none of those therapists put a name to what I was enduring. Is it cynical or wrongheaded of me to think that was because they were male? Unfair, certainly, since the substance counselor was a man as well.

For me, the most disturbing part is that I allowed two different men to treat me this way. I knew that the threats, the judging, the trivializing, the discounting, and the repeated change of subject felt awful, but I had no idea what to do about any of it. What feels the saddest is that the second time around I had no excuse. If I had read the book my friend had given me earlier, I would have suggested counseling and forced the counselor to call the behavior what it was. Who knows if my husband would have been willing to look at his behavior and then alter it, but I would have given him the chance. The lesson for me has been to not avoid looking at anything, though it came too late to save either marriage. To understand my own behavior, own it, and work on changing what was dysfunctional about it became my mantra. I was also determined to name the behavior of my partner, if not immediately to him, at least to myself. I have since learned that if I admit my own issues, I am much more clear about his, and much less frightened about bringing them up. The book was a catalyst for me, and the beginning of the path I took to arrive at my life partner's door.

 

Follow Nancy Alvarez on Twitter: www.twitter.com/@littlenanster

 
 
  • Comments
  • 64
  • Pending Comments
  • 0
  • View FAQ
Comments are closed for this entry
View All
Favorites
Recency  | 
Popularity
01:26 PM on 11/18/2011
I would also recommend "Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men" by Lundy Bancroft (A MAN!) as it has been very helpful in teaching me what is really wrong in my marriage. Hugs again, Nancy, I applaud your thick skin in continuing to post despite the detractors here who aren't really supporting their cause by being so pouty about their own hurt feelings. Remember: Men are afraid women will laugh at them. Women are afraid men will kill them.
10:51 PM on 11/21/2011
Really? There has never been a wife who has killed her husband before? You really don't think women can be angry and controlling?
10:12 AM on 11/17/2011
(con't) One day he came home and checked the history on the computer. He went to the website and figured out my username and printed every single thing I had written. He then called me up on my cell phone and started reading it all slowly over the phone. I was terrified. I actually called Patricia Evans and begged her to remove all my posts. She complied but asked didn't I see how abusive this was? I didn't care. I apologized profusely to my husband who never forgave me and put the print outs in a safety deposit box if you can believe it. We stayed together 9 more years, even having our third child together, and every single time I objected to his swearing or yelling he would say "Oh, are you going to post it on VerbalAbuse.com?"
I am so ashamed I stayed with him for so long. He will never change and in fact continues to tell me to f*#k off etc now that we're divorced. This is a terrible terrible form of abuse and no, it is not always 2 sided. Not at all.
photo
Cameron Hoppe
Where's your evidence?
12:47 AM on 11/13/2011
Interesting article. Though I must confess, I've yet to see an abusive relationship where the abuse wasn't a two-way street. All the more reason to pack it up and be gone.
photo
HUFFPOST SUPER USER
divorcedpauline
10:09 AM on 11/11/2011
I read that book too, towards the end of my first marriage, and was amazed how many things I related to. "I burrowed further and further inside, until, by the end, I had no idea who I was, what I believed, or most important, what I felt": this is just how I felt. It was awful.
05:32 PM on 11/12/2011
I know how you felt. I had that same experience after my first marriage. After we split, I was unsure if I could write out my own rent check. He had me so mentally and emotionally worn down and had verbally abused me for so long, that I had no self confidence anymore. I had no idea who I was either, what I wanted, or what was important. I saw a picture of myself from that time and realized that there was no color in my face - just bland and blank, even with makeup on. There was no life in my eyes, no spark, nothing. Yes, it was awful. Years later however, Karma came back on him and he was with a woman who was both physically and verbally abusive towards him. I don't feel shame in admitting that I enjoyed hearing that.
HUFFPOST SUPER USER
Willie12345
10:00 AM on 11/09/2011
I've come to the conclusion that many people just shouldn't get married. They are too thoughtless, too sensitive, too immature, too inflexible, lacking moral fiber, selfish, too vain, mother boys, mother girls, unstable, mean spirited, disorganized, over organized, rash, inconsiderate , too nit-picky, fault finding, self centered, etc.

Having said all of that, it also seems that most do a wonderful job at confessing the sins of their partners, but spend very little time in self-reflection. I'm reminded of the quote from Samuel Johnson.

"The fountain of content must spring up in the mind, and he who hath so little knowledge of human nature as to seek happiness by changing anything but his own disposition, will waste his life in fruitless efforts and multiply the grief he proposes to remove,"

This seems to be great concept. While this may not resolve the issues of physical abuse or perhaps emotional abuse, it would go a long way in putting things in the right perspective,

If we look for faults in others, we will most certainly find them will little effort.
04:25 PM on 11/08/2011
'good will' knows no gender, race, age or social bounderies. neither does 'bad will.'

that being said, consider the following scenarios...

if you're a woman walking alone at night and a group of men is walking toward you, are you afraid?

if you're a man walking alone at night and a group of women are walking toward you, are you afraid?

then, maybe you'll understand a woman's pov, as half the human race that's been dominated by the other half for thousands of years. only 100 years ago women were property in marriage.

that doesn't mean some men aren't abused or haven't suffered. it only means that law - a recent and often thin thread of protection - is an imperfect and fragile vehicle for parity. it's always a work in progress and that's why people tell their stories here - the point being it's their story. if it isn't yours, then tell yours - don't condemn the poster for recounting her life's experiences.
photo
HUFFPOST BLOGGER
Nancy Alvarez
11:23 AM on 11/09/2011
Thanks. I was surprised by the anger my story inspired in some of the men who responded. It wasn't intended as an us/vs/ them tale, just one that might resonate for others.
05:25 PM on 11/12/2011
It certainly resonates with me. That article was my first marriage in it's brutish entirety. The blocking, diverting, yelling, passive-aggressive "joking", and standing over me while calling me names at the top of his lungs - all of it. The memories this article brought up made my stomach twist into knots. As I've grown older and more aware of the types of abuse (first marriage was physically abusive as well), I've been able to see that my father was abusive towards my mother and still is even though he has dementia and is in residential care. In fact, his dementia has only ramped up the abuse because there is no holding back for him due to his cognitive impairments. Needless to say, she makes her visits few and far between. Thank you for writing this article. The men who are angry at you are probably just seeing themselves in this article and can't handle the fact that they themselves are seen as abusers by others. If the shoe fits......
01:04 PM on 11/14/2011
unfortunately, i wasn't surprised. there seems to be a developing cadre of gentlemen on this site who gravitate to any excuse to post negative comments about women. in the past i've attempted to reply with reason, but that doesn't appear to be what they want - namely, to whine.

mostly it's sad. but i'm not going to waste any more time on people who wallow in self-victimization.

i wish you well.
HUFFPOST SUPER USER
Targa3141
10:15 AM on 11/11/2011
When women walk toward me I am afraid. Duke lacrosse case anyone?

Women are legally privileged and can do what they want to a man without suffering major consequences.
03:12 PM on 11/17/2011
Need a tissue?
10:31 AM on 11/08/2011
Nancy: Thank you for this blog. It happened to me too!

I lived the same two scenarios you describe -- first husband joked about me & minimized who I was; he then accused me of having no sense of humor when I didn't go along with the mean sarcasm.

The second husband was verbally and emotionally abusive, so much so, I was physically, mentally & emotionally debilitated by the time the marriage ended. My growing children were also negatively impacted by the atmosphere he created by being such a bully.

I am amazed as some of the comments posted here. By stating what happened, you are not a victim but an empowered voice determined to share your story so other women recognize the telltale signs early on and avoid similar problems.

Keep up the good work.

cnb
photo
HUFFPOST BLOGGER
Nancy Alvarez
11:22 AM on 11/09/2011
Thanks very much. I do think talking about it is empowering, and certainly has been for me. So was reading the book by Patricia Evans, and others.
HUFFPOST SUPER USER
Targa3141
06:15 AM on 11/05/2011
By your criteria, just about every man in America is in an abusive marriage.
They all stay married, though, too painful to lose the kids, retirement money and the house.

Women have it easy.
10:31 AM on 11/05/2011
Here's how it works ...

A wife planning a divorce can do whatever she wants however she wants in any way she wants.

But ANY form of expressed disagreement or displeasure of ANY kind by the husband can be called "abuse" at the discretion of the wife.

Saying "yes dear" may be called "abuse" -- it will be considered "patronizing".

Saying nothing may also be called "abuse" -- it will be considered "sulking".

As a husband you can't do/say anything and you can't even do/say nothing.

Suggestions?
photo
HUFFPOST BLOGGER
Nancy Alvarez
10:56 AM on 11/06/2011
Maybe the answer is we all have to learn what abuse is, and stop perpetrating it.
HUFFPOST SUPER USER
Targa3141
11:30 AM on 11/06/2011
Maybe the answer is everyone should be accountable under the law and enjoy equal enforcement, then women would no longer be able to abuse the system.
HUFFPOST SUPER USER
Targa3141
11:53 AM on 11/06/2011
You should read Jennie Suk's book "At Home in The Law".

Domestic violence reform and feminist intrusion in civil law have made the marital home a paradise for abusive women, and a nightmare for married men being abused.
04:52 PM on 11/04/2011
I would like to understand how you came to marry two abusive men.
photo
HUFFPOST BLOGGER
Nancy Alvarez
12:08 PM on 11/07/2011
Go to my website http://www.nancyalvarezwrites.com. I've written a memoir, and that is certainly included. I ignored a lot, and much came after marriage. I would not have accepted physical abuse, but knew nothing about emotional/verbal abuse, or the cost to the victims. (Who can be either men or women, though more frequently, women)
03:02 AM on 11/20/2011
How do you know more frequently? You admitted you have no research to back that claim up.
HUFFPOST SUPER USER
John Bobrowski
10:36 AM on 11/04/2011
If I recall a web communication I had with the author (which may not have identified me and which she probably won't remember), the material in the book applies equally to both genders. The stubborn fact that men have to deal with when "taking offense" about the book's gender perspective is that men are not "volume consumers" of books about relationships -- abusive or otherwise.

I am certain that the author is not making a statement that one gender has a monopoly on abuser status and the other has a monopoly on victim status.
11:15 AM on 11/04/2011
Got it.

Self-help books are not so much about "help" (or fairness in reporting) as they are about sales/marketing.

Of course.
HUFFPOST SUPER USER
John Bobrowski
11:35 AM on 11/04/2011
That said, it is a very illuminating and helpful book -- or at least I found it so. I recommend it to both genders.

And, I do not doubt the blog poster's personal experience. The only issues is the potential for perpetuating unfounded gender-based stereotypes -- which the blog poster I am certain had no intention of doing -- but which are so persistent when they take root.

Unfortunately, communication of both support for the poster and concern for the potential for stereotype creation is difficult to do.
This user has chosen to opt out of the Badges program
livefortruth
There is only ONE truth.
11:40 AM on 11/04/2011
Why don't you just read the book? You can get it for pennies on Amazon.
HUFFPOST SUPER USER
Greg Albright
11:36 AM on 11/04/2011
She (Patricia Evans) has a book specifically about "Verbally Abusive Men" All the anecdotes on her website are about verbally abusive men. Also, her FAQ (http://www.verbalabuse.com/page14/page14.html) states pretty clearly that only men commit verbal abuse.

She also goes to great pains to direct her readers to only see therapists who share her particular view on verbal abuse.
HUFFPOST SUPER USER
John Bobrowski
11:53 AM on 11/04/2011
I can only tell you about the exchange that we had. In that exchange she did not come off as a person hostile to the concept that women can be verbally abusive in marriage or a relationship. I am certain that her personal experiences molded her deeply. But, my sense from that personal interaction is that she is not trying to suggest that women are not abusive. We discussed stereotyping and marketing books of this type to men.

I don't think the author is purposely trying to label only men as abusers. But, I also believe that a book marketed to women will be written with an eye towards its audience.
HUFFPOST SUPER USER
John Bobrowski
12:00 PM on 11/04/2011
See quote Abusers are Often Blind to Their Abusive Behavior

"2. Similarly, they may think that they have a right to put down their partner, or to tell their partner what s/he’s thinking, meaning, and so forth. They might think they are entitled to act the way they do because of their age, because they’ve been around the place longer, are of a superior gender or race, or because they make more money than their mate. Their sense of entitlement blinds them to their abusive behavior."

http://www.verbalabuse.com/page3/page4/page4.html
08:37 AM on 11/04/2011
Thank you for writing this piece. I was in a verbally (and emotionally) abusive relationship, and I have to say that the "jokes" followed by the "no sense of humor" accusation sound very, VERY familiar. My boyfriend would constantly be bringing up my deepest insecurities and turning them into jokes in front of other people, then telling me to "lighten up" when I turned red or teared up instead of just laughing along at my own painful vulnerabilities - which he also perpetuated, such as telling me that I didn't dress nice enough to look sexy and so that's why we never had sex (he spent nine months concealing a medical condition that was the true cause of our lack of intimacy). Discussions could somehow never even be initiated unless HE was the one with the problem to talk about - when I ever brought up something he did that hurt me, he'd get angry and literally turn and walk away without a word, and then later accuse me of making him "walk on eggshells" and "constantly watch his words around me." These kind of turn-about accusations can really make you question yourself and the stability of your own perspective, which is all part of the abuse. So again, thank you for writing this. And just to respond to some of the comments I've seen so far: this has nothing to do with men vs. women. Women can be abusive too, and it's NEVER okay, no matter who's doing it.
photo
HUFFPOST BLOGGER
Nancy Alvarez
10:58 AM on 11/06/2011
Try the Evans book. It is really very helpful. And I am not blaming one gender or another. I agree, abuse from anyone is not OK.
07:58 AM on 11/04/2011
I personally don't think it makes sense to drive the "car" of your life by looking in the rear-view mirror.

What good does it do you to look back at your life and either recall or recharacterize some incident in a bad marriage as "abuse"?

It is a classic case of wanting to be "right" ("see ... I told you I was a victim") rather than happy.

Convincing yourself that you were a victim of "abuse" does what exactly for you? Justify your present-day resentments and nastiness to your many-years-now divorced husband? Justify your bad-mouthing your many-years-now divorced husband to your children, family and acquaintances?

But that is a secondary issue.
photo
HUFFPOST BLOGGER
Nancy Alvarez
12:15 PM on 11/07/2011
I wasn't trying to justify anything. But I did feel enormous relief as I began to understand why I was so miserable, and why our discussions got nowhere. That was the intention. Learning how I got into the marriage, and stayed for as long as I did -- that was my job if I didn't want to repeat the same mistakes down the road.
12:30 AM on 11/10/2011
When you suffer any significant trauma, it is normal and somewhat involuntary that you struggle to make sense of and process what has occurred. As a matter of fact, those who don't do this usually have it bite them in the butt later. With an abusive relationship (which I've been in), it was so hard to draw a line and recognize the abuse as unacceptable precisely because I did not want to see myself as a victim and I was committed to the idea that I was responsible. I still believe that I was responsible for staying, for not protecting myself and having boundaries. It was actually easier to see my culpability once I acknowledged how completely unacceptable the abusive behavior was; Stop rationalizing, stop empathizing with what he was going through and recognize that I needed to make some serious changes in myself to ensure that I would never allow myself to be mind-bleeped like that again.
07:58 AM on 11/04/2011
Shame on you for attempting to perpetuate a "woman as victim" mindset that gives only a portion of the picture -- and that is played out as a divorce strategy to the ultimate benefit of no one (other than divorce lawyers).*

Nasty people come in each gender.

Are you suggesting that in a bad relationship -- in your bad marriage -- your husband was the only one of you who engaged in nasty behavior?

What actually happens in a bad relationship in most cases is that both parties to the bad relationship engage in their own form of bad relationship behavior.

In a bad relationship, the parties are likely out of sync -- one party trying to be "nice" when the other is "nasty" and vice versa. In that moment, the party acting "nice" will forget her/his own "nasty" behavior and feel victimized ... and then get angry and engage in "nasty" behavior" of her/his own that keeps the cycle going ... down the drain.

These are two-way streets that don't have any gender lines. You know that.

---
*Perpetrators of actual physical abuse are criminals and should be prosecuted.
This user has chosen to opt out of the Badges program
livefortruth
There is only ONE truth.
10:10 AM on 11/04/2011
This is a first person account of her relationships.

It's you that makes it a gender war.
10:48 AM on 11/04/2011
Gender war? What are you talking about?

Where is the "war"?

My point is that female-male relationships are two-way streets.

Mother Teresa does not marry Attila the Hun.

In 50 percent of the "abuse" relationships, both the woman and man are perpetrators. Of the rest, in 25 percent the perpetrator is the woman alone and in 25 percent the perpetrator is the man alone.

There is no gender polarity in fact.

But there is gender polarity in the accusations and claims of "abuse".

That is a problem.

In my opinion, the "men are abusers" and "women are victims" bit (and the "mutual arguments are verbal abuse" bit) bit does a disservice to multiple constituencies: (a) women - who should not look at themselves as victims; (b) men - who should not presumptively be treated as abusers; and (c) victims of actual physical violence/abuse - women and men who should have their valid claims of harm heard and prosecuted instead of being diluted by so many false/tactical accusations of "abuse".

Physical violence/abuse happens in relationships. And it should be prosecuted as a crime.

But false accusations of "abuse" exist in a far greater volume than actual abuse. False accusations of "abuse" also should be prosecuted as a crime.
02:48 AM on 11/05/2011
It's absolutely true that nasty, abusive people come in each gender. And most of us are capable of saying nasty things when we're angry.

The difference with verbal/emotional abuse is that it's a regular pattern in the way the person relates, even when things are "good." Abusers need to have the upper hand in relationships and one way they do that is by keeping other people "in their place" with teasing and put-downs. It isn't just between spouses...you see it in friendships and in parent/child relationships, too.

Men definitely don't have the lock on this kind of behavior, women do it, too.

There's a tendency on this site for people to take offense at first person accounts by women as if, in talking about the particular men in theilr lives, they are applying the same judgements to all men. It's not about gender, it's about people telling their stories. That those people tend to be women more than men is possibly because women do tend to talk and write more about relationships.

I'm sure we'd all love to read more first person accounts by men. Maybe you should write some posts to balance out the perspectives.
This user has chosen to opt out of the Badges program
livefortruth
There is only ONE truth.
07:45 AM on 11/04/2011
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans

That book opened my eyes. It was a validation of my experience.

I would recommend it to anyone in a contentious marriage or living arrangement.
04:51 PM on 11/04/2011
Well thank you for sharing. That explains a lot.
This user has chosen to opt out of the Badges program
livefortruth
There is only ONE truth.
09:27 AM on 11/05/2011
It doesn't explain a darn thing unless you've read the book h0tr0d.

It was given to me by a couples counselor, during a one on one session. I was surprised by the title when he gave it to me. I thought we just had 'issues', and needed a mediator to help us solve them. "I didn't believe his behavior was abusive. It was very unpleasant, yes, but I was much too smart to live with abuse."

Verbal Abuse is much more insidious than just calling someone names. My ex didn't do that, he did however, use other tactics (in the book). It's about power and control over another. Patricia Evans has four books, I've read them all. " "Controlling People," clearly lays out what goes on in the mind of the person who uses verbal abuse to control someone, or some group. There is nothing else like it. Dr. David L. Quinby, Professor, Emeritus, Dept. of Psychology, Youngstown State University says, "Human kind urgently needs this, both on an individual and a collective level. Nothing else seems to be working very effectively." "
photo
HUFFPOST BLOGGER
Nancy Alvarez
11:00 AM on 11/06/2011
Ditto. Terrific book.