In a Facebook post that touched many, Mark Zuckerberg announced both the good news that he and his wife Priscilla Chan are expecting a child and the frank, honest news that this is not their first pregnancy. Zuckerberg and Chan have lost three children to miscarriage, and many reposted his news, admiring his honesty and the power of giving a voice to losses often kept silent.
I join those in admiration, as well as sympathy for his losses. But as a member of the community of parents who have lost, I also have tremendous gratitude for what Zuckerberg had already, perhaps unknowingly done -- as Facebook has been providing a vehicle for meeting others who know this loss and lessening the loneliness somewhat at the darker moments of grief. In fact, there are several Facebook pages for groups posting articles about infant and child loss, as well as multiple private groups that give grieving parents safe places to ask questions and share the pain we wish no one had to know.
Below are some -- but certainly not all -- of the webpages and groups with active Facebook pages where grieving parents might find support and understanding:
Still Standing is an online magazine of articles about the multiple ways coping with loss affects our daily lives, and from that magazine began another web resource, Still Mothers, both with active Facebook pages. From the Still Mothers group came an acknowledgement that the pressing issues for some facing loss (such as trying to conceive again) might be painful for others (such as parents who are coping with being unable to become pregnant again), and awareness that moms and dads may have different issues and different needs for safe spaces to ask questions or vent. Their sensitivity to these multiple needs led to the creation of multiple support resources, all with Facebook pages, including:
•Mothers who have no living children after loss
•Those facing infertility
•Those trying to conceive (TTC)
•Fathers
•Grandparents
•Pregnant mothers who have faced loss
•Parents of living children who lost later pregnancies
Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope was founded by Kristin Cook in 2010 after she faced the stillbirth of her child, and regularly posts articles about coping with loss and giving a face and voice to the statistics on infant loss.
Carly Marie, an Australian artist, created a webpage after the loss of her son Christian, and her page is an active site of articles, photographs, workshop invitations, and helpful suggestions for coping. Hers was one of the first sites to be found in the early 2000s, and through her efforts, three international days of remembrance provide ways to share that our children once lived and we are not alone.
The STILL Project was first a documentary project to share the often hidden stories of infant loss and since 2012 has also provided an active Facebook page sharing information and support.
This list is a very small sample of what is out there; however, putting this sample together stuns me as a mother who first faced infant loss just less than a decade okay. In early 2006, finding communities and forums of others who "got it" was an incredible relief but also much like a hunt for deeply buried treasure. It took an effortful search, when sometimes just breathing and making it to the next hour was as much effort as a grieving parent could bear. Who knew that around that same time a social network was about to provide even easier access to community for those who grieve? Some may dismiss web sources as something less than "real world" interactions; however, for those struggling with loss more common than anyone realizes yet uncommon enough to seem that "this never happens to anyone we know," online sources can be a respite, perhaps even more powerful than the real-life friends who can't understand, aren't available 24/7, and don't always know what to do when comfort is hard to find.
So congratulations to Zuckerberg and Chan, and our condolences for all you've faced. We share your hope, and we know there's an anxiety about pregnancy after loss that won't completely go away until that child arrives. Zuckberberg wrote in his announcement,
In today's open and connected world, discussing these issues doesn't distance us; it brings us together. It creates understanding and tolerance, and it gives us hope.
We're so sorry your family is part of the club that no one wants to join, and we're extraordinarily grateful that you'd already given us a venue to come together and to find comfort and hope.