Last week a clown walked into my office, decked out in a creepy clown costume, a painted smile and tearfully asked, "My wife and I are already divorced. Is there something I can do to get her the hell out of my life?" The problem was simple -- his marital relationship continued because the marital cord had not been cut. The solution was also simple -- stop behaving in the role of husband.
The expression "cutting the cord" describes a necessary action to take when it's time to end a dependent relationship. It begins at birth when the mother-baby cord is cut. Eighteen years later (or 35), the parent-child cord is cut. When divorce happens, there is a spouse-dependent cord that also needs to be severed, though many people don't know how.
A legal divorce does not automatically terminate the "marital relationship." Yes, on paper it becomes official, but I'm referring to divorced people who behave in some instances like they are still married. I call these behaviors marital cords, or interdependencies, that maintain a terminated marriage beyond the point it should.
Ties are hard to cut because they have been built on years of development and nurturing. They've become a natural way of doing things and turning to other people or resources can feel foreign.
Marital cords consist of a variety of connections shared between a couple. The most common cords people struggle with in the early stages of divorce are: 1. financial, 2. emotional, and sexual.
The Financial Cord
Splitting the assets and debt in a divorce don't always end the financial connection between a couple. This is especially true when there is a continued financial obligation (spousal support, child support, shared asset).
April relied on her ex husband more than she should have. She more than willingly let this aspect of their relationship continue because it made her life easier. When she needed a co-signer, she called Mario. When she was short on cash, he'd lend her money. It wasn't until Mario's fiancé told him to cut her off. She was right. It was time to set a new boundary that would allow both of them to move on.
When you allow yourself (or your ex) to maintain a financial tie, you get in your own way of becoming financially independent. Replacing a spouse's financial role can be done. It may take some time, phone calls, and patience but in the long run it is well worth the effort.
The Emotional Cord
Most people assume that divorced partners dislike each other, therefore would never turn to their ex for emotional support. This isn't always the case. It's actually more common than people realize. When the lines of communication need to continue because of children, business or other reasons, purposeful contact can meander into personal topics.
If you notice that your communication is getting off track, you might consider a more structured way of relaying information about the children. OurFamilyWizard.com does just that. It keeps your communication focused the kids, parenting schedules, activities, child support tracking and more. Taking other proactive measures can keep inappropriate ties where they should be.
The Sexual Cord
It's common for nearly- or newly-divorced couples to find themselves back in the bedroom. The reasons vary from person-to-person and seem to be par for the course during the transitional period.
The problem of maintaining a sexual cord with your ex (beyond the customary "slip-up") comes when there is a negative impact on one or both of your lives. Wendy learned the hard way. She made herself available to her ex husband's late night booty calls because she wanted him back. Making matters worse, the children were aware of Daddy's visits and thought they were back together. One night she told him to come back home and was devastated to hear him tell her no. Instead, he told he was planning to propose to his girlfriend but wanted to remain sex buddies.
Although sex with your ex may provide a temporary relief from sadness (or release of sexual tension), there is a good chance it could do more harm than good. So, the next time you feel a tug at your underpants, push your ex away and remember an important lesson. If you are investing your sexual energy in a relationship that did not work out, you might not be available when a better partner comes along.
A divorce does not necessarily lead to an unhealthy relationship between spouses. Most couples eventually cut all marital cords and develop healthy ties to new relationships. The best way to avoid an interdependent connection with your ex is to stop it before it sets in. This means doing something most people don't want to do -- make a change. While it's certainly a hard thing to do, the sooner you make the change the easier it's going to be.
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Having said the above, your excellent article highlights and important aspect and boundary issue. Divorce is also an emotional and psychological transition. Individuals that maintain codependent ties, or, as you note in your example, maintain a sexual relationship even while "moving on" with others, cultivate a very unhealthy post decree environment. Couples that use their children as a platform for retribution in the years after divorce also contribute to the unhealthy development of their children.
So, as states like Illinois trend toward keeping certain attachments between the parties in place, your article does a very good job of offering the idea that the severing of the connection must start as an emotional and psychological one. Your recomendation for counseling and therapy is very appropriate.
www.illinoisdivorcelawyerblog.com
Thank you for the nice things you wrote. One of the biggest challenges in writing to a large audience is hoping people are able to open their minds to the message being conveyed. Sometimes people have hurt and pain (past &/or present) that alters their perspective which causes them to react negatively to what they read. I'm sure you encounter this with the population you write for in your blog. If you have any suggestions on how to lessen a reader's reactivity about divorce issues, I'd love to know.
Take care,
Nancy Fagan, The Divorce Reporter
www.TheDivÂÂÂorceHelpÂCÂlÂinic.cÂom
I know some divorcees who remain on very good terms after their divorce and like it that way. They form a friendship and help each other out especially when they have kids its important to maintain a good relationship with your ex to keep the kids happy... I know some who solve their problems and get remarried!
Maybe for some completely cutting each other off is best. But people should try to remain on amicable terms... There's lots of reasons not to hate each others guts (not always the case howevever).
I think you may have misunderstood what I wrote. "Cutting a cord" is referring to unhealthy boundaries between ex spouses. I am NOT telling people to cut their ex partners out of their lives. There are many instances where exs do remain very close. Some even grow to have even stronger friendships than they had while married.
When exs maintain an unhealthy cord, it prevents them from being able to move past the relationship. This leads them to be in an unhappy, stuck place rather than being able to move on and develop a more appropriate romantic relationship with someone else.
I hope that helps clear up the confusion some.
Nancy Fagan, The Divorce Reporter
www.TheDivÂÂorceHelpCÂlÂinic.com
I have referred hundreds of divorcing couples to myfamilywizard.com for the reasons you mentioned. Because there is a nominal fee of $10 a month, some people are unwilling to use it. When this happens, we ask the spouse who wants to use it if he'll pay for it so they can communicate about the kids and not have to worry about the cost. That is one of the great things about using mediation to divorce. You can agree to anything you want.
Nancy Fagan, The Divorce Reporter
www.TheDivÂorceHelpClÂinic.com
I get to shuttle her from the car lot, back to my place or where ever she wishes to go. If I hadn't agreed to this, I would have been the bad guy. Oddly enough, this was the same kind of thing she did while we were married. Can't remember the number of times I took a bus after dropping my car off, only to not offer up the same get er done mentality. I didn't do the same because I care(d.) At some point I need to find my way through all of this because it's so unbalanced. She now wants to move out of state to be closer to her parents and wants me to agree during the divorce.
My husband felt the same way you did about the clown example. He told me to cut it out, but as you read, it's still there. My mistake. Perhaps I didn't explain his situation enough. He and his wife came to us for divorce mediation so when he came back in months later, we thought he wanted to modify support. Instead, he wanted to have us do another mediation with the two of them. He wanted her to agree to stop acting like his wife and let him move on as a single man. As he explained what was happening between them, all of a sudden he had an epiphany that she wasn't moving on because he was encouraging her to stick around. There was nothing we could do for him so we referred him to a therapist. He's since updated me to say he can now see that he was a big part of the problem. Apparently they've both moved on successfully.
Nancy Fagan, The Divorce Reporter
www.TheDivÂorceHelpClÂinic.com
From what attorney's around the country tell me, spousal support is structured based on need. Still, I hear support horror stories.
Nancy Fagan, The Divorce Reporter
www.TheDivÂorceHelpClÂinic.com
Funny, when I married my now ex-husband, he told me lots of horror stories about his first wife, which of course I believed. I have no doubt that he is now telling wife #3 all about how awful wives #1 and 2 were! I figure it won't be too long before these "new" wives find out exactly why their dreamy new hubby is divorced.
As for me, the further away my ex is, the better off we both are. My uncle, a divorce attorney described it perfectly: "She says it's his fault, he says it's her fault, and they're both right."
It sure sounds like your husband's ex has her marital cords attached. If you were to give other women in your situation advice on how to handle the situation, what would that be?
Nancy Fagan, The Divorce Reporter
www.TheDivÂÂorceHelpCÂlÂinic.com
Because my space is limited, there are plenty other marital cords that I didn't mention. What are some of the cords you've personally experienced? How did you move on (or not)?
Nancy Fagan, The Divorce Reporter
www.TheDivorceHelpClinic.com
You make a good point. Sounds like a fair exchange.
Nancy Fagan, The Divorce Reporter
www.TheDivÂorceHelpClÂinic.com
So true. The friendship cord is painful to cut. I'm so sorry for your loss and the pain you suffered. It just shows how much love you have to offer the next woman who comes into your life. You'll both be lucky the day you finally meet.
Nancy Fagan, The Divorce Reporter
www.TheDivorceHelpClinic.com
I think the disappointment lies in the death of the expectations for a "happy ending."