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Natasha Burton


Kobe Bryant Divorce: How Will A Reported Reconciliation Affect The Bryants' Kids?

Posted: 06/13/2012 4:14 pm

Kobe Bryant's wife, Vanessa, is not planning to sign her divorce docs -- which she filed in December 2011 -- and may, in fact, be reconciling with her basketball-star husband, according to a Tuesday report from TMZ.

Because my own parents -- dad and stepmom -- have split and reunited multiple times, I can't help but wonder how a decision to get back together might affect the Bryants' children, Natalia and Gianna. Throughout high school and college, I watched my dad and my stepmom marry, divorce, reconcile, break up and then get married again, which was confusing, to say the least. To give you a quick rundown: They met during my freshman year of high school, eloped that summer and divorced around the time of my high school graduation. Right after my sophomore year in college, they reunited and moved across the country together -- only to break up again the summer I graduated. Not too long after that, my dad informed me that they were back together, and they married again.

Throughout all of this, I wondered many times if they were insane. I couldn't understand why they didn't just split for good. With each break-up, I cared less and less about having a relationship with my stepmom. In fact, I sometimes felt relieved to think it was finally over. My stepsister, who is six years younger than I am, recently revealed that she eventually stopped wanting to get too close to my dad because, honestly, what was the point?

Of course, the Bryants' relationship is very different from my dad and stepmom's. First of all, their daughters are much younger than I was during my parental drama: Natalia is 9, and Gianna is 6. And while my dad and stepmom have a choppy history in terms of their parting and reuniting, the Bryants' history is a tad more tumultuous and much more public: In 2003, Kobe admitted to cheating on Vanessa after he was accused of allegedly assaulting a 19-year-old Colorado woman. (At the time of his confession, Natalia was 6 months old, and Gianna had not yet been born.)

Despite these differences -- and even though my dad and stepmom split up multiple times, and Kobe and Vanessa have only done so once (so far) -- the Bryants' situation makes me wonder what is "better" as far as their kids are concerned: parting and getting back together or splitting up for good?

Multiple studies have shown the negative impact that divorce has on children. Those from divorced families can feel like outsiders in their own homes, have a higher rate of suicide and are more likely to get divorced themselves. While researchers have looked at the effect on children when a parent marries multiple times, there hasn't been a comprehensive study that addresses the effect on children when their parents remarry -- or reconcile with -- each other.

Looking for insight, I turned to marriage experts who have seen similar situations professionally (but have not worked with the Bryants in particular).

Santa Monica, Calif.-based divorce attorney Mike Kelly, who has handled many high-income celebrity splits over the course of his 42-year career, said that because their daughters are young, the Bryants are doing the right thing by trying to reconcile. "These two people staying together is for the best interest of the kids," he said.

However, if the Bryants decide to reconcile solely because of their children, then doing so is not necessarily in their daughters' best interest, according to Devra S. Gordon Renner, a school social worker in Northern Virginia who has worked with children of divorce in group therapy.

"Kids really can sense if you're disingenuous. They sense if there is a feeling of anger in the air," she said. "It's hard to table those kinds of emotions. You have to also think, 'How is this going to play out? How am I going to deal with the things that upset me? How am I going to let go of the past?' The people with kids I know who have been able to do that effectively have had some pretty intense therapy and support."

However, Renner, who is also the co-author of "Mommy Guilt," doesn't see mom and dad's reconciliation as something that would cause irrevocable harm to their children.

"It can be confusing for the kids, but you have to give [the Bryants] credit for trying," she said. "The effects of the back-and-forth really have to do with how the adults handle it. If adults are confused, kids will be confused. If the adults are able to navigate [their situation], then kids are pretty resilient."

The bottom line, she said, is that kids need to feel secure: "When children know that they are loved and cared for, and if their parents can give kids information in an age-appropriate way, then I think they will be fine."

There may even be a benefit for children who watch their parents part and then reconcile, said Santa Barbara, Calif.-based psychotherapist Christina Steinorth, in terms of how they handle their own future relationships.

"I think Kobe and Vanessa could turn this into a very valuable lesson for their daughters," Steinorth said. "We live in a society that encourages a 'replace instead of repair' mind-set, and this goes for marriages, too. The Bryants could sit down with their kids and explain that it's possible to work things out with someone even if you've had significant differences."

Steinorth, who is the author of "Cue Cards for Life: Thoughtful Tips for Better Relationships," said that such a lesson can teach children to be more realistic about relationships. "The Bryants' behavior models to their kids that relationships require work," she said. "So much that we see in the media today is about romance and getting to the altar, because it makes for good TV. We see very little about people reconciling and how they do it. Perhaps if we did, more people would be inclined to stay in their relationships and work things out."

If the Bryants do work through their issues for their own sakes -- not just for their daughters' -- then Natalia and Gianna might value their parents' ability to weather marital storms someday. I know I do: My dad and stepmom have been married for many years now (and for good this time, my dad assures me). While they took quite a bumpy road to get there, I respect them for ending up together. In fact, I'm grateful that my parents made it through their many rough patches; I may need their advice when dealing with my own one day.

Although I'm sure that witnessing such a up-and-down marriage could have made me more wary of forming my own relationships, I don't fear that my future union might be as rocky. Instead, what my dad and stepmom's example taught me -- and what the Bryants might teach their children -- is that, for a relationship to last, both people have to be equally committed to making it work, no matter what.

And that's something I'll always need to remember, even if I don't marry a basketball star.

The Bryants aren't the only star couple to get back together after breaking it off. Click through the slideshow below to see who else decided to reconcile.

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  • QUESTION: Balthazar Getty said his wife was "understanding" enough to reconcile with him after his affair with which British actress?

    <strong>a) Gemma Arterton b) Sienna Miller c) Rosamund Pike 4) Keira Knightley </strong>

  • ANSWER: Sienna Miller

    In 2008, Balthazar Getty had a <a href="" target="_hplink">highly publicized affair with Sienna Miller</a>, which led to a separation from wife Rosetta. But by September 2010, Balthazar and Rosetta were back on track and <a href="" target="_hplink">opening up to <em>Harpers Bazaar </em></a>about the "challenging time" in their lives. "I loved and missed my family too much not to make it work," the "Brothers and Sisters" actor told the magazine.

  • QUESTION: Which of Elizabeth Taylor's eight ex-husbands did she marry twice?

    <strong>a) Eddie Fisher b) Richard Burton c) Michael Todd d) Conrad "Nicky" Hilton </strong>

  • ANSWER: Richard Burton

    Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton ended their famously volatile <a href="" target="_hplink">10 year marriage in 1974</a>. The split didn't last long, though; sixteen months later, <a href="" target="_hplink">on October 10, 1975</a>, the passionate pair remarried in a private ceremony in Africa. Less than a year later, in July 1976, the <a href="" target="_hplink">couple divorced for a second time</a>.

  • QUESTION: Which '90s supermodel reconciled with her billionaire husband after making a peace offering of a Navajo blanket?

    <strong>a) Naomi Campbell b) Cindy Crawford c) Stephanie Seymour d) Kirsty Hume</strong>

  • ANSWER: Stephanie Seymour

    Supermodel Stephanie Seymour <a href="" target="_hplink">filed for divorce from billionaire Peter Brant in March 2009</a>, but by September 2010, the two had called off the proceedings and reconciled. The reason? In 2011, Seymour <a href="" target="_hplink">told <em>Town & Country</em> that returning a cherished Navajo blanket</a> to her estranged spouse during the divorce helped start a dialogue between them.

  • QUESTION: Which pop star recently had a baby with her husband, whom she split from in 2008 before reconciling in April 2009?

    <strong>a) Kiley Minogue b) Shakira c) Mariah Carey d) Pink </strong>

  • ANSWER: Pink

    Pink and husband Carey Hart split briefly in <a href=",,20178706,00.html" target="_hplink">2008 after two years of marriage</a>, but by April 2009, the <a href="" target="_hplink">pair had reportedly reconciled</a>. "I never had anything in my life that I didn't work hard for and my relationship is that," a pregnant Pink <a href=",,20279142,00.html" target="_hplink">told Ellen DeGeneres in November 2010</a>. The singer gave birth to their first child, <a href=",,20484101,00.html" target="_hplink">Willow Sage, in In June 2011</a>.

  • QUESTION: At age 10, this actress passed by an 18-year-old Robert Wagner in a hallway at 20th Century Fox studios and knowingly told her mother, "I'm going to marry him." (She did end up marrying him -- not once, but twice.)

    <strong>a) Joan Collins b) Natalie Wood c) Jane Fonda d) Ali MacGraw </strong>

  • ANSWER: Natalie Wood

    Natalie Wood first married Robert Wagner in <a href=",0," target="_hplink">Scotsdale, Arizona on Dec. 28, 1957.</a> Six years later, they divorced. Though they both went on to marry other people, <a href=",,20067214,00.html" target="_hplink">Wood told <em>People</em> magazine</a> in December 1976 that they "never stopped loving each other," so it's little surprise that they <a href=",,20067214,00.html" target="_hplink">married again in 1972</a>. The pair were together until Wood mysteriously drowned in the waters off <a href="" target="_hplink">Santa Catalina Island on November 29, 1981</a>.

  • QUESTION: Which comedian remarried two of the five women he was married to throughout his life?

    <strong>a) Gene Wilder b) George Carlin c) Lenny Bruce d) Richard Pryor</strong>

  • ANSWER: Richard Pryor

    Richard Pryor's first marriage to actress Jennifer Lee <a href=",,20093866,00.html" target="_hplink">lasted from August 1981 to October 1982.</a> The pair remarried in June 2001, 19 years after their divorce, and <a href="" target="_hplink">remained married until his death in 2005</a>. In between his two marriages to Lee, <a href=",0," target="_hplink">Pryor married Flynn Belaine, first in 1986 and again in 1990</a>

  • QUESTION: Which rapper's wife said her husband's violent lyrics about her nearly drove her to suicide? (She married him twice, anyway.)

    <strong>a) Ice-T b) Eminem c) Nas d) Big Daddy Kane </strong>

  • ANSWER: Eminem

    Eminem and Kim Mathers (nee Scott) have been <a href=",,20011971,00.html" target="_hplink">married twice, from 1999 to 2001</a>, and again, for <a href=",,20011971,00.html" target="_hplink">less than three months, in 2006</a>. In February 2007, Mathers told Dr. Keith Ablow that witnessing her husband beat a blow-up doll that looked like her while singing a song about her drove her to attempt suicide. "Seeing the crowd's response and everybody cheering, singing the words and laughing and it just felt like everyone was staring at me," <a href=",,20011971,00.html " target="_hplink">she said</a>.

  • QUESTION: Which talk show host married his former Playboy bunny wife once in 1961 and again in 1967?

    <strong>a) David Letterman b) Johnny Carson c) Larry King d) Dick Cavett</strong>

  • ANSWER: Larry King

    The talk show host has been <a href="" target="_hplink">married eight times</a> -- <a href="" target="_hplink">twice to Playboy bunny Alene Akins</a>. Marriage hasn't always been about love for King; in <a href="" target="_hplink">December 2010, he opened up</a> to CBS "Early Show" co-anchor Erica Hill, saying, "I think in my life, I have loved three people. Married all three. The other marriages I wasn't in love, it was the thing to do."


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