HuffPost staff writer Natasha Burton and her boyfriend, Greg St. Clair, live together, which means that Monday nights he can either resign himself to the office, or watch "The Bachelorette" with her. He chose the option that wins him more brownie points (watching "The Bachelorette, of course). Every Tuesday, they'll share their respective thoughts on the latest episode.
This week, they're handing out courting strategy awards to the most notable suitors from episode three. Missed last week's recap? Read it here.
Most Unexpectedly Effective Argument For Getting A Rose: "But, I'm a man." -- Chris
Emily's one-on-one date with Chris consisted of the two of them scaling -- er, getting pulled up -- a wall, another terrible country band (actual lyric: "Girl, you make my speakers go boom boom" -- seriously?) and a dramatic reveal from Chris.
Natasha: Emily began her interaction with Chris by -- once again -- telling him how hot he is. During dinner she said, "If I saw you across the bar, I would not talk to you." The whole I'm-not-worthy, reverse-psychology-flattery thing was a little much.
Greg: I think that she was being literal. She wouldn't talk to him at a bar because she has a kid and is in bed by nine. Though, to her credit, he's a pretty good-looking guy, even though he only has one lip. He's like the love baby of Gerard Butler and Spider-Man.
Natasha: After Emily finally stopped stroking his ego, she asked him about his romantic history. This led us to a disturbing fact: OMG, he's only 25, y'all.
Greg: Chris was in high school when Emily popped out a baby.
Natasha: We thought that his rose was going straight into the trash, but then he poignantly stated, "I'm 25 and we're similar in age, but I'm a man."
Greg: Anytime you have to say "But I'm a man" on a date ... probably not a good sign.
Natasha: Luckily, it was enough to snap Emily out of ice queen-mode, pin on that boutonniere and remark, "He makes me feel like he's older than me." Alrighty, then.
Best Group Date Strategy: Sean not jumping Emily "like a pack of wolves." (Runner Up: Doug)
In this amazing-for-viewers, nightmarish-for-bachelors group date, Emily brought some of her "best friends" to a park to grill the guys, then set loose a hoard of schoolchildren to separate the men from the terrible-potential-father-figures. During the most eventful date of the season thus far, Stevie confirmed that he can do the worm, Sean showed that he's jacked, Travis revealed that he named his ostrich egg "Shelly," and Ryan told Emily that he will only "love on" her if she doesn't get fat.
Greg: Do you think Emily's "friends" had to audition?
Natasha: Casting Call: Need ethnically-diverse, but not super-attractive, group of ladies. Must look too old to be "best friends" with a 26-year-old and have proficiency in delivering biting comments to a selection of douchebags.
Greg: I wonder if her friends thought that Jef wandered over from the boys' camp across the park.
Natasha: Who is this 12-year-old? Let's get him back to his mommy.
Greg: At first I joked that I thought I saw Jef go down the tornado slide, but then he actually did it. Headfirst and backward. This was hands-down the best moment of this season for me.
Natasha: My favorite part was Emily's revelation that Ryan is a dirtball. She made a joke about her looks going downhill after marriage and he said that he would "love" her but he wouldn't "love on" her if that were to happen. I get that "love on" was his way of saying "have sex," but for some reason that phrase just made me picture him humping her leg.
Greg: Thanks for playing, Ryan. Clearly, you couldn't love Emily unless she was hot, but you of all people should have known that that was the time to lie.
Natasha: We initially made fun of Sean for saying that he's "not one to assert" himself in group situations. But, as the other guys descended on Emily like a "pack of wolves," Sean hung back, then let his sculpted arms and abs do the talking -- securing the date rose. He shined in his skillful interactions with Emily's "friends" and those hired children, as did Doug.
Greg: Side note: What parents would rent their kids for an afternoon of playtime with random men?
Worst Group Date Strategy: Crying (Tony)
After the park, Tony revealed that playing with kids made him miss his own son even more that he already did. Doug tried to give him some fatherly wisdom (saying that his kid was probably less upset than he was about being away from home), but Tony couldn't wrap his head around the idea -- he could only lean it against a wall while drunk-dialing his kid.
Greg: The second part of the group date was filled with lots of crying. First, Doug made Emily cry with the story of his epileptic dad and runaway mother.
Natasha: Dude, he almost made me cry.
Greg: So, he won points here?
Natasha: YES. Hot guy + overcoming tragic upbringing? Is there a more potent female aphrodisiac? Emily got her wish of wanting to get to know him beyond "Dad Doug." Tony however, couldn't quite make the leap.
Greg: Yeah, after 20 minutes of Tony crying against the wall over missing his kid, Emily told him that she doesn't like him enough to keep him around anyway. Note to producers: I want 19 minutes of my life back.
Most Normal Contestant Behavior in "Bachelorette" History: Arie
Emily took Arie to Dollywood for the episode's second one-on-one date and, after the excitement of meeting Dolly Parton wore off, she realized that she has options beyond creepy losers like egg-carrying Travis or pretty-boy Ryan.
Greg: Nothing kills a man's libido like Dolly Parton. I didn't even know that Dollywood existed... but now that I do I will always be a little sadder inside.
Natasha: Arie actually seemed normal. He talked about things like "laughing" and "having fun" with Emily instead of "having the most intense connection EVER."
Greg: I say this about three times every episode but this was the most boring date yet. Arie has it in the bag. He made out with Emily for at least one full rotation on that merry-go-round. End the show now and save me my next 10 Monday nights
Natasha: Emily said that, "Guys like Arie are hard to find." Yeah, because normal guys don't go on "The Bachelorette." Please, dear-sweet-Chris-Harrison-Baby-Jesus -- Emily, don't be an idiot and choose Ryan over Arie in the end.
Most Unexpected Train Wreck in "Bachelorette" History: Alessandro
During the pre-rose-ceremony cocktail hour, Kalon seemed to take a certain misstep into elimination territory when he rudely told Emily not to interrupt him. But soon, contestant Alessandro eclipsed any potential jerkiness by proclaiming his desire to remain a "gypsy king" -- and revealing that he didn't want to "settle" for Emily and Little Ricki.
Greg: So, we don't hear Alessandro say one word for three episodes, and then he goes off on an unintelligible rant? Best quote: "Compromising would be me as a dad as a chief in a family."
Natasha: At first, there seemed to be a language barrier. But soon, he reassured Emily that this was not the case. In fact, he basically told her marrying her and being a dad would cheat him out of doing all sorts of awesome stuff that he wanted to do instead.
Greg: He was shocked when Emily immediately escorted him out of the building. We were not shocked when we found out that Alessandro cheated on an ex-girlfriend. With his cousin. Or, that he cheated on his cousin, who was also his girlfriend. Or, that he had a one-night stand with his cousin.
Natasha: Whatever his story was, Emily was not having it. After releasing Alessandro back into the gypsy kingdom whence he came, she went straight into the comforting arms of Arie. Ryan was none to pleased about this development and -- after witnessing Emily and Arie make out -- he threw down the smack talk gauntlet, calling Arie "dainty" and vowing to defeat him. Stay strong, Emily. Stay strong.
Next week, the remaining 13 -- Jef, Charlie, Doug, Michael, Travis, Alejandro, Ryan, John, Kalon, Nate (who we literally had not seen for two episodes), Sean, Steve and Arie -- are bound for Bermuda. Join Natasha and Greg for the recap of an episode that promises cliff-jumping, boat races and surging male egos. And someone possibly losing a finger.
Until then, amuse yourself with some of the best quotes from the latest episode and vote for the one that you think is the most ridiculous.
HuffPost Lifestyle is a daily newsletter that will make you happier and healthier — one email at a time. Learn more