HuffPost staff writer Natasha Burton and her boyfriend, Greg St. Clair, live together, which means that Monday nights he can either resign himself to the office, or watch "The Bachelorette" with her. He chose the option that wins him more brownie points (watching "The Bachelorette," of course).
Every Tuesday, they'll share their respective thoughts on the latest episode. Missed last week's recap? Read it here.
Last night's episode kicked off with Emily walking along the beaches of Curacao and contemplatively drawing her name in the sand. After we were treated to a retrospective montage of her final contenders, we watched Emily express anxiety over how hard it is to be in love with three guys at the same time. Then, the fantasy suite dates were underway. Unlike the hormone-fueled, bad decision-filled overnight dates of the past, this episode was light on steamy hut-tub scenes and heavy on promoting adult abstinence. (Emily's got a kid at home, people!)
Instead of our typical superlatives, we've put the night's trio of suitors into the following categories -- Do, Dump or Marry -- based on the decisions we hoped Emily would make.
Emily's date with Arie started as they all have, with him sucking her face. After taking a boat ride to swim with some dolphins -- arguably the most exciting activity of the season -- Emily resisted her primal urges and didn't even offer him a chance to hang out with her alone in the fantasy suite.
Natasha: On this date, Emily said she needed to go past the chemistry to figure out who the "real Arie" was. Because most of their time together was spent eating each other's faces.
Greg: All they needed were some fava beans ...
Natasha: After two months, it seems like all she really knows about him is that he has sad eyes, drives race-cars and enjoys concurrent slow-mo kissing and hair stroking. So, she used her time with him on the date to ask a probing question: What does he usually do on a Tuesday morning?
Greg: I'll break it down: First, he eats the eggs that some waitress he met the night before cooked him while sitting in his race-car bed. Next, he kicks her out.
Natasha: But, even though Arie admitted to sleeping in until the oafish hour of 9 a.m. (Emily's face was stricken with horror at that piece of information), she seemed satisfied that he's ready to be Little Ricki's dad. After all, he has been "her light at the end of the tunnel" all season -- if by light, you mean the guy she most wants to see naked.
Greg: Gross. I'm depressed that she's probably going pick this shmohawk. Arie pretty much just sweated his entire way through dinner waiting for a fantasy suite offer that never came.
Natasha: I get that Emily wants to be a role model for her daughter -- and perhaps inspire her college-aged female viewers to not take walks of shame of their own -- but after all this hype, don't you think she should have test-driven the goods?
Greg: Nothing says love like a guy you can't trust yourself around.
Since the get-go, we've ragged on Jef for 1) Looking like a child, 2) Acting like a child, 3) Speaking like a child, and 4) Playing with puppets like a child. We assumed that Emily would tire of his affinity for saying the word "like" four times a sentence but, for some mysterious reason, Emily has given late-bloomers everywhere hope that they too can win the affection of a hot, blonde single mom.
Greg: Jef will pretty much say or do anything Emily wants. He's like a lap dog. Or a soft-spoken parrot. I don't think he has had an original thought on this show -- Emily just coaxes him into agreeing with her and he puts on his smooth, quiet voice to finish her sentences.
Natasha: Or they both end up conversing like two 4-year-olds: "Do you get me?" "I think you get me, too." I can't stand how Emily always ends up talking like a little girl around him.
Greg: Emily asked him if he "likes parents." He goes: "I love parents. I love hanging out with parents." Translation: "I am an awkward nerd and I will say or do anything to see you naked."
Natasha: Except, of course, do Emily in the fantasy suite. When she handed him the overnight date card, Jef pulled the moral high-ground card and declined.
Greg: He didn't want to lose his virginity on national television.
Natasha: "There's a time and place for everything and now is the time for us to bridle these passions." Yuck.
Greg: He is so from Utah. His MIA Ma and Pa would be so proud
Emily spent most of her date with Sean prodding him to say, "I love you" (since he was way behind Jef and Arie in the L-word department). She got what she wanted and almost had us convinced that she actually might pick the guy who was least likely to sleep in a race-car bed.
Natasha: Recapping this date depresses me.
Greg: Yeah, it was the second-to-last episode and the only time we've seen a helicopter all season.
Natasha: In a wildly impressive move, Sean revealed over dinner that he in fact loves Emily and is ready to become a "soccer dad" to Little Ricki. So much so that he wrote Ricki a letter about how excited he is to be a good father to her, the way his dad was a good father to him. If that doesn't get a gal's ovaries pulsating, I don't know what will.
Greg: But did you see his penmanship? I like Sean, but I'm a bit wary of a guy with such girly handwriting. I'm pretty sure he dotted his "i's and "j"s with hearts.
Natasha: Whatever, he made it clear that he's ready to be Emily's husband. To him, love is "no different than proposing" -- if he says "I love you," he's prepared to get down on one knee.
Greg: Sean, you're gonna get me in trouble with my live-in girlfriend.
Natasha:Then, he said that he wanted to use his precious hours in the fantasy suite to "open up" to Emily and have her "open up" to him so they could have some "intimate time." Which, per the night's chaste theme, meant cuddling. Though, Emily admitted that "every fiber" in her body wanted to stay the night with him.
Greg: Basically, Sean was clearly the best guy out of the three and he left the night confident that he would marry Emily.
Natasha: But, at the rose ceremony, Emily horrifically disappointed us by picking Jef instead.
Greg: Sean took it like a man. Emily, however, couldn't even say anything to him afterward. After some tense silence, she asked him "What are you thinking about?" He was probably thinking about you DUMPING him.
Natasha: Sean then started comforting her even though he was obviously heartbroken. Later, he told the camera: "Honestly, when she walked out tonight, I thought, That's my wife." Sigh upon sigh. Emily, you failed.
Greg: Just keep milking it for Bachelor 2013, Sean. Nice guys finish third.
In two weeks, Emily will accept a marriage proposal from either Arie "The Tongue" McRacecar Driver or Jef "My Hair Is Still Stupid" Man-Child. Our only hope is that, as the promo intimated, Emily ends up calling off the whole thing. But, most likely, she will end up with Arie and swap spit with him for a couple months before realizing that their kissing-to-talking ratio did not in fact create a solid foundation for marriage. See you after the finale for our last recap and final thoughts on the season!
Until next time, amuse yourself with some of the best quotes from the latest episode and vote for the one that you think is the most ridiculous.
Follow Natasha Burton on Twitter: www.twitter.com/NatashaNBurton