Notes from Election Day by a Gay White Liberal

What does a gay, white liberal feel upon the election of the world's first African-American president at the moment America's biggest, bluest state votes to rip away my right to marry? Every last sentiment of this question must be parsed. Why do I spend the energy lamenting a symbolic loss (losing marriage in California will still leave intact the rights protected by civil unions) for one group of people in one state in the union when put beside the unfathomable beauty of our nation's tortuous achievement in electing Barack Obama president? Am I so self-centered that I can't feel unadulterated joy at the universal accomplishment of our City on a Hill this day? Does my Jewish tendency to live life in the minor key incline me to find the sour note in every tune and dwell there for a moment too long? What's a liberal these days anyway, and isn't "victimization one-upmanship" one of its basest traits? Are my mixed emotions partly a matter of feeling that "blacks got their day; now (already!) where's mine?"

And what do I do with my anger? Blacks in California voted disproportionately against gay marriage -- against giving gays the rights once denied to them -- on the same day that millions of gays and lesbians voted to transcend racial bigotry. They exploited the raw power of majority tyranny to ban despised unions like that of Barack Obama's parents which were illegal only four decades ago. Where's the sympathy for our mutual struggle? Where's the empathy?

I began today trying to figure out what, exactly, I was feeling when I cry at the thought of all that has just happened? Since I was a young boy, there has been one thing that, above all else, has unfailingly sent chills down my spine, every time: hearing recordings of the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther Kings, Jr.'s "I Have a Dream" speech. In this, I'm not alone, by any means, but I have always wondered why it has the power to move me like nothing else. Does it represent the innate virtue of the liberal, whose sympathy for the oppressed is part of what makes one a liberal? Or is it, rather, the solidarity of the fellow victim, rooted in empathy for the shared struggle for freedom? And if it's the latter, if it's really all about my own struggle, does this take away from the innate goodness we liberals thought we embodied by caring so much about others?

Do I identify with King's dream, with his struggle for freedom and dignity, because every human shares it? Or because, as a little gay boy, before I even grasped quite how my dignity was denied by the world, I felt powerfully that it was, and in ways not dissimilar from the dehumanization of the African-American that was accomplished by repudiating his manhood, exaggerating his sexuality while denying his self-control, and insisting, above all, that he was lesser.

All whites have enjoyed the privileges of their power at one time or another. As a young boy attending a largely white, affluent school in a mostly black, low-income neighborhood, I occasionally caught myself striding through the iron gates of my campus -- passing from outside to inside -- feeling pleasure at my unearned fortune. Though I knew better, it almost felt as though I deserved my privilege, that my position was a sign of my goodness, even of my superiority.

Such racial superiority, which is really a form of racial sadism in taking pleasure from putting others down, is a tough sentiment to admit having felt; but it's also a logical one for a child to derive. After all, why would I be in here and they out there, if there weren't some reason, some logic, which puts each where he belongs? A child has a natural sense of justice, and the perversity of racial discrimination is not only that it oppresses, but that it violates that natural sense of justice in the oppressor, and thereby corrupts the soul.

This corruption is unavoidable in a racist society, whether we actively enjoy our unearned power or not. All whites have benefited from competing in a game that's stacked in our favor, and so our achievements are forever marred by the fact of having had an unfair advantage. Today, that burden has lightened. As we are absolved, somewhat, of the burden of our undue power, we are brought closer to those we long kept at bay by forcing them to the back of the bus.

As a white man conscious of the sins of my people -- in other words, as a white liberal -- America's achievement in choosing an African-American president -- the realization of a part of King's dream -- moves me because it marks a deliverance from sin to redemption. Today, I feel absolved. But as a good liberal, I also feel guilty for feeling absolved! And as a gay white liberal, I feel self-doubt: I worry that as white oppressor, I care about the oppressed out of guilt more than love; and I worry that as gay oppressed, I care about fellow victims solely because I have appropriated their struggle and taken it as my own.

It is, of course, impossible to feel even genuine concern for others without conceiving it through one's own experience. Indeed, that's precisely what empathy is. And so maybe the capacity to be moved by the struggles of others does not detract from the virtue that is compassion, but reflects our openness to our own feelings, a remarkable challenge in a modern world that too often invites us to turn off emotions so we can be professional, diplomatic, polite, and -- ironically -- loved. My feelings today have helped me understand what a liberal -- a much maligned term of late -- is: not someone who is deluded into thinking she is more selfless than others, but someone who is open enough to her own emotions and imperfections to allow true empathy into her heart, and who acts accordingly.

So how does the liberal confront a nation that delivers itself from the sin of racial sadism (I know, not entirely, by any means) only to shift that sadism to the blocking of another human love, every bit as natural, as worthy and, ultimately, as undeniable.

Gay marriage, of course, is different from racial equality. Gay marriage is the future; it is not something that is denied to us as part of an original sin of bigotry but because not enough people have caught up to the modern logic of marriage to adjust their understanding of what it means, and who should get to enjoy it. They don't recognize (though they should) that marriage has long ceased to be about procreation, consolidating family power and fusing church with state. They insist that marriage must never change, even though marriage has always changed. They draw lines around gays that they don't draw around others, and all too often the sentiment behind their opposition is, like mine once was, a too-strong belief in their own virtue, or in others' vice. Still, gay marriage wasn't initially banned as an expression of sadism or superiority; its time just wasn't yet.

Saying that gay marriage is the future doesn't mean we should wait for "our time." If gay marriage wasn't originally banned out of sadism or superiority, the time is drawing near when no other reason will explain it. "Our time" is whenever we convince our communities that our love is the same as theirs, a challenge that requires both the hard work of gays and the empathy of straights. I was touched today as many straight friends changed their Facebook status to show outrage about the anti-gay vote out west, even as gay friends conveyed only joy about the election of Obama. But realizing that gay marriage is the future tempers my anger about what happened in California.

So does the knowledge that my oppressors have a hole in their soul. Not, I hope, in a vengeful sort of way. But I'm somehow helped by reminding myself that this is their problem as much as my own. That's the true message of King, that the damage wrought by prejudice afflicts the oppressor as well as the oppressed. If today was a momentous day for African-Americans, it was, equally important, momentous for all Americans.

So I look forward to the day when the modern sadism and superiority of those who insist that gays are lesser will fall like the racial barrier to the White House; when their empathy will grow and their burden of undue power will shrink; when the soul of America will finally, truly, be delivered.

Comments

[totesinapprops]

Well said. I appreciate the simultaneous joy and frustration that must be all of ours at a time like this. Moreover, I am glad that you express your thoughts in a way that fosters intelligent discussion. To add to that discussion: As a woman and a former HIllary Clinton supporter, watching the prejudices and stereotypes that women face act themselves out on the national stage this past year was nothing if not tough. Seeing Sara Palin (the pretty one) get a pass on national security and accolades on her choice of eyewear, while recalling how Hillary Clinton (the smart one) had to dodge left hooks and endure headlines about how she almost cried once, I know that we as a people still have a long way to go.
I gladly rejoice in a time that has Barack Obama as our great nation's leader, and I rejoice in advance in the knowledge that Prop 8 will be overturned (hopefully sooner rather than later). And I hope, maybe I even believe, that a woman (gay or straight) will one day get her turn to lead, to shine and to be an example so that I can tell my daughter that women, too, can rise above the hobbling stereotypes that make it okay to pay them less and value their appearance more than their intelligence. We're all in this together, and as long as we remember that and act in accordance with that, then, maybe, just maybe, everything will be okay.

[englishmanNYC]

Beautifully written piece. Helps me understand the 'separate but equal' feeling that some gay people must have. Really sad that the election win was tarnished - particularly as being gay, Jewish AND liberal over the past eight years must have been more like living in an huge minor opera, not just a minor key! But I don't believe that in this vote the 'bullied' have suddenly, in one vote, become the 'oppressor.' Obama talked about a journey and we're not there yet; the dream will take time to realize for everyone. At least King's vision now feels alive and real again and has caught the attention and recaptured global positive feeling that was used and abused by Bush post 9/11. Must be the first time gay/straight was mentioned in a winning speech. America has been rehabilitated as an idea. Eventually everyone will be civil-unioned, same and equal. Marriage is just semantics if the rights are the same and equal. Obama must focus on the enormity of a two state solution for the Holy Land next. That will put gay marriage into perspective for the religious who oppose it.