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10 Plagues Excerpted from Bernie Madoff's Last Seder at Home

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Recently authorities uncovered a DVD from the attic of imprisoned Ponzi scheme millionaire Bernie Madoff's family mansion in Montauk, Long Island. The DVD appears to have captured the last known Seder the Madoff family celebrated together. What follows is an excerpt from the transcript of that DVD:

First of all, Thanks to all those Jewish charities with such plush endowments that those saps would let us invest in our special secret "tikkun funds."

Also, I'd like to thank our staff of black cooks, waiters, and cleaners. It's good to be rich enough to afford a black domestic worker. And for a Jew! It's a classic and timeless choice in household help, in a way that latin or oriental domestics never could be. Having a black cook or housekeeper is an elegant way of saying, "I would have slaves if I could except for that pesky Thirteenth Amendment." Thanks to the staff, whatever those people want to be called.

Speaking of slaves, during Pesach we are inspired by our ancestors' slavery in Egypt. As they were slaves forced to build Pharoah's pyramids, so today we are enslaved to build pyramid schemes. Pyramid schemes. Very difficult to maintain. Basically slavery.

We did the Four Sons, but will have to do them again because Joe Lieberman isn't here yet, and he always throws a fit if he doesn't get to be the wicked son.

And now we have come to the 10 plagues. As we read the plagues, please dip your pinky into your 1960 Chateau Lafite-Rothschild Bourdeaux and drip it on your ivory droplet platter.

  1. FBI and that feygelah J Edgar Hoover
  2. Whistleblowers, Mark and Andrew, you want the afikomen you ungrateful schnorrers, you want to haggle with me? I will Jew you until the messiah intervenes personally.
  3. Barney Frank, the angry Teddy Ruxpin.
  4. Losing all our family assets to some smartypants government pencil-pusher who thinks he knows what's best.
  5. Having to get a white supremacist tattoo not to be shanked in prison
  6. Boils, for Ruthie, because even microderm abrasion can't fix that.
  7. People who ask too many questions
  8. Getting sentenced to 150 years in prison and the judge receiving NO letters during sentencing in support of my character. None. Zero. Nada. Zilch. You throw billions of dollars around the world and nobody likes you? Really? Not even a tweet.
  9. Clawback litigation
  10. Eliot Spitzer. We tried to put a myspace hooker on the porch so he would pass over our house. But it didn't work and he came in.

Nato Green is a San Francisco-based stand-up comedian. He'll be at the Bridgetown Comedy Festival in Portland, Oregon April 23-24, the San Francisco Punchline May 18-23, and with the guerilla comedy league Laughter Against the Machine at the Balagan Theater in Seattle June 18 & 19.