Recently authorities uncovered a DVD from the attic of imprisoned Ponzi scheme millionaire Bernie Madoff's family mansion in Montauk, Long Island. The DVD appears to have captured the last known Seder the Madoff family celebrated together. What follows is an excerpt from the transcript of that DVD:
First of all, Thanks to all those Jewish charities with such plush endowments that those saps would let us invest in our special secret "tikkun funds."
Also, I'd like to thank our staff of black cooks, waiters, and cleaners. It's good to be rich enough to afford a black domestic worker. And for a Jew! It's a classic and timeless choice in household help, in a way that latin or oriental domestics never could be. Having a black cook or housekeeper is an elegant way of saying, "I would have slaves if I could except for that pesky Thirteenth Amendment." Thanks to the staff, whatever those people want to be called.
Speaking of slaves, during Pesach we are inspired by our ancestors' slavery in Egypt. As they were slaves forced to build Pharoah's pyramids, so today we are enslaved to build pyramid schemes. Pyramid schemes. Very difficult to maintain. Basically slavery.
We did the Four Sons, but will have to do them again because Joe Lieberman isn't here yet, and he always throws a fit if he doesn't get to be the wicked son.
And now we have come to the 10 plagues. As we read the plagues, please dip your pinky into your 1960 Chateau Lafite-Rothschild Bourdeaux and drip it on your ivory droplet platter.
Nato Green is a San Francisco-based stand-up comedian. He'll be at the Bridgetown Comedy Festival in Portland, Oregon April 23-24, the San Francisco Punchline May 18-23, and with the guerilla comedy league Laughter Against the Machine at the Balagan Theater in Seattle June 18 & 19.