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Health Care: I Hate Everyone, Part 1 in a Series

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I'm a man without a country -- I hate Republicans, Town Hallers, robber barons, and right-wing windbag fanatics, but spineless and stupid Democrats and liberal pre-emptive capitulators make me want to cut off my big toe with a butter knife.

The yelling and the indignation
at the Town Halls is appalling, not least because the left wouldn't think to try that. Our idea of an aggressive posture towards a political adversary is to say, "What do you think?" with eyebrows arched skeptically. The country has never seen this kind of outburst before, because during the Bush years, no one was allowed into a Town Hall without a signed loyalty oath and urine sample.

Maybe the Town Hallers are just ever so dramatically making the case for lithium.

Personally, I'm not opposed to mandatory euthanasia and abortions, including retroactively into the five hundtreth trimester. In fact, I have nominations. They include anyone who sponsors a ballot initiative in California, anyone who plays the "Left Behind" video game, people who think yoga is a form of activism, health care executives, and the Gypsy Kings.

I just can't relate to the white-hot rage the right-wing can muster. In 2004, I volunteered in New Mexico for Senator Droopy Dog. The campaign office was filled with mass mailed lit pieces that had been sent back with lengthy hand-written diatribes: "You abortionists should be strung up on trees! Theresa Heinz Kerry is a lesbian!" It would never occur to me to send back junk mail with notes. "Drop dead, 'Pottery Barn,' with your disgusting jute rugs!" I don't have that kind of free time. Composing hand-written retorts to unwanted partisan cardstock falls on my to-do list below getting another spinal tap.

The anti-health care stormtroopers demonstrate that you can get a long way with no argument if you sell it. I see this at open mics. New comics often think yelling is a credible substitute for jokes. "No health care for that guy! I have insurance why should you!" It seems like the Town Hallers are all seeking revenge on an uninsured ex.

Not to be a historiographical hair-splitter, how exactly is Obama like Hitler? I wish our political discourse had a way to convey how very much we disagree with someone without comparing them to Nazis. It's not fair to Nazis. They worked hard to be the biggest jerks in history and probably wouldn't appreciate being casually likened to every other knucklehead.

And the weeping. "It's not my America anymore. We're losing our country."
Listen people, white privilege will burn a little on the way out. Your America is clearly not my America. You've had a respectable bicentennial run, so would you share America with the rest of us? If any Congressional hecklers are reading this, welcome to my America. Have a poke around and kick out the jams a bit. We have pho and novels and puppets and discussions -- it's pretty awesome.

Watch for my next installment of I Hate Everyone -- Health care, wherein liberals face my fury.

Nato Green is a San Francisco-based stand-up comedian, and will be appearing at the SF Punchline the first week of October with Larry Miller.

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