Mobile Apps Which Keep Business Owners from Pumping Gas

08/20/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Deciding on business spend during a recession could make any CFO, budget planner or small business owner jump off the Golden Gate. You need to smack yourself with rotten fish until you're wide awake, regardless of the state of the economy; unless you'd like to flip burgers until you're promoted and get the privilege to wash lettuce. The mobile industry's new business uses are turning hot dog stands into the Four Seasons restaurant.

Invest in the mobile industry or pick up a broom and sweep the bodega sidewalk for a dime sack of crack. Luckily, the industry actually can help companies save more money than an abortion.

The following list will help you convince your company executives to hold their divorce hearings through a mobile app. The apps involve communications - both real-time and messaging, access to information, general calculations, integrated business information access and processing and specific business process solutions. In short, a virtual assistant that will pick the toe jam out of your clients' feet if you text it.

Mobile CRM

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Mobile phones have always been the business person's pit bull. It freed them from the office but kept you chained to your customers. But now with mobile apps you could watch graffiti pop out of the walls on a tab of acid while the dope head next to you sucks his own gonad, and feel like you're in your cubicle. Mobile CRM programs - such as those from Salesforce and Oracle - allow immediate access to exclusive footage of your customer's affair if you need to black mail him. You could be on a private island roasting shark over an open fire while following up with your best prospect. You can get the results of a client's last prostate exam or pap smear at the touch of a button. Your workers can keep their clients closer than underwear. You could use the money.

Manage Inventory

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Add the numerous inventory apps which are available, and you know what products can be hauled by mule to your client's private beach front villa on a third world mountain side. Such apps notify you when you've got more mice than inventory in your warehouse. The Apps allow you to order enough product and rat poison to keep their teeth out of the cardboard.

Your customer service work flow will become so efficient that it will make JetBlue's Twitter program look like a peep-show for the blind.

Accept Credit Cards


Mobile immediate payment processing gets you swimming in more liquidity than Scrooge McDuck. Mobile credit card processing, like MerchantWARE for iPhone or Blackberry, will give your clients more stripper-club time . Improved liquidity will definitely keep you from filing for welfare. All mobile billing or payment solutions turns your bank account into Fort Knox.

Time Management


Even if you charge $2.00 for a dance at the pay-per-dance club, there are apps like these that can improve your bottom line. Quick notes added to the company's CRM will have your clients Godfathering your first born. Quick access to email can be used to tell your clients you're sending the repo man over if they don't get to Western Union today with your wire. The recurring benefit of mobile apps is that it gives you more time to lose to your computer at chess.

There are time management apps for mobile devices. Handago and Agenda One are two time management apps for mobile devices that will make you more productive than a Nike sweatshop.


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Mobile email is the next best thing since the tongue. Why, because you could curse somebody out without getting punched in the mouth; convenience. If we are not using it ourselves, then we see everybody else making themselves look like they are working on something important, while all they're doing is playing Tetris on an overpriced phone. Employees log in to work emails throwing a crumbled dollar at a stripper. Companies get more hours from their workers this way and free them to concentrate on deciding whether to eat lunch or pay for a lapdance.


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Employees using mobile devices have another excuse to look like they're crushing ants on their Berries. GPS programs will get employees to your client's meetings on time whether they're skinny dipping in the Amazon river, or hung over flinging some girl's arm off his face. Travel reservation apps will confirm your 1st class leather seat with longer leg room than Shaq or the G4 to Dubai on your boss's tab. You've got currency conversion tools that will keep you from paying a month's for the taxi fare from the airport to your suite, and language translators that will turn you into C3P0.

Voice Recognition

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Voice recognition apps such as Jott, can be used to wiretap your next board meeting.


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The popularity of social media such as Twitter can take more of your employees time than internet porn, or make your company big enough to get an anti-trust lawsuit. But by using your Twitter mobile app you can grow your company to be the next featured case study on Donny Deutsch. Twitter is fast becoming a valuable tool to the lunch truck menu.