The Sermon on the Mount (CCV -- Condensed CINO Version)

04/16/2015 02:48 pm ET | Updated Jun 16, 2015
CSA Images via Getty Images

The Sermon on the Mount is the largest collection of the teachings of Jesus Christ in the Bible. Unfortunately, I've never known anyone claiming to be a Christian attempt to follow these teachings. What I often come across instead are many who choose to explain what Jesus really meant.

Some people find it hard to separate faith from patriotism, the Bible from the Constitution, and especially scripture from their own personal prejudices, so here is the updated condensed sermon for today's CINO (Christian In Name Only).

The Beatitudes

Blessed are the poor in spirit, not poor in dollars, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Not counting mourning for people who died from living a sinful lifestyle.

Blessed are the straight, for they will inherit the earth.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness (not gays), for they will be filled.

Blessed are the opposite sex couples, for they will be shown mercy.

Blessed are the pure in heart (i.e. straight), for they will see God.

Blessed are the peacemakers. A peacemaker is a Caucasian who totes a gun.

Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness. Anyone not living the life you want them to live is persecuting you.

Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Be insulted. Get angry. Attack. Play the victim.

Salt and Light

You are the salt of the earth. Use that to mean whatever you want.

You are the light of the world. Cool, huh?

The Fulfillment of the Law

Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them, especially those laws in the OT about homosexuality.


You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, 'You shall not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.' But killing is fine if you think it's justified. I trust you.


You have heard that it was said, 'You shall not commit adultery.' But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. But that's a heck of a lot better than looking at a guy lustfully. That's just gross.


Well, a lot of folks get divorced. There are more important things to worry about. (Pssst: gays)


Yeah, yeah, whatever.

Eye for Eye

You have heard that it was said, 'Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.' Ah, hell, if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Love for Enemies

Just messing with you.

Giving to the Needy

As long as it's not a government program and they're not just abusing the system.


Do the Lord's Prayer, or just ask for prayers on Facebook.


Yada, yada, yada. Gays are evil.

Treasures in Heaven

Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. So use cedar furniture and a really good security system.

Do Not Worry

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. As long as your credit card isn't maxed, enjoy.

Judging Others

Go for it.

The Narrow and Wide Gates

For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it. And by "few" I of course mean heterosexuals.

True and False Prophets

Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are Democrats.

True and False Disciples

See "True and False Prophets."

The Wise and Foolish Builders

Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. So build big houses, buy huge SUVs, and live it up.

I hope this version helps guide you in your endeavor to become a modern day CINO. The only other option is quite unthinkable -- follow the actual teachings of Jesus and be a real Christian.