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Ned Goldreyer
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Ned Goldreyer is the world's only solipsist.

Blog Entries by Ned Goldreyer

A Reason for Hope

Posted November 7, 2011 | 09:00:00 (EST)

Never have I been so moved by the spoken word as I was last Tuesday night while listening to the president's address to the nation. I was overcome by genuine, palpable relief as finally, after nearly three years, Obama laid plain the motives behind his unending concessions to the right...

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Requiem for a Bee

Posted June 24, 2011 | 17:05:36 (EST)

A mystery once confined to U.S. territory, the disappearance of honey bees, has blossomed into a global phenomenon. Where are they going? Why are they going there? Who cares? I hate bees and so do you.

This final solution to the bee question is a genuine triumph of the human...

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Life on Earth Ends -- Polar Bears Remain Unendangered

Posted January 14, 2011 | 14:52:37 (EST)

Despite their unrelenting hunger for man-meat and unshakable goal of eradicating us from the planet, there are those among us who bemoan the passage of another year with polar bears still absent from the Endangered Species List. Compassion was never more misplaced. Among nature's deadliest con artists, the polar bear...

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Who Speaks for the Victimizers?

Posted December 22, 2010 | 14:42:27 (EST)

The schoolyard bully is in trouble. Not the cool kind that earned him our hate-masked envy, (Remember when he stole that egg carton we lovingly decoupaged for Mommy and used it as an ashtray? Ah, kindergarten.) but real trouble. The bully, an American icon as venerated as the community-minded drug...

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The Gulf Coast Was Ruined and All I Got Was This Lousy Sense of Doom

Posted June 7, 2010 | 16:55:32 (EST)

America's response to the Deepwater Horizon spill is further proof that we as a nation have forgotten how to turn lemons into high-fructose corn syrup-based lemon essenced beverage. We'd rather stare at hypnotic YouTube images of that glop geyser than take advantage of this momentous opportunity. "Opportunity?" you exclaim, eyes...

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Slick Trick

Posted May 12, 2010 | 17:52:42 (EST)

Days ago representatives from the companies responsible for the Deepwater Horizon appeared before Congress to state they are, in fact, not responsible for the (now very) Deepwater Horizon. Their oil platform had been above the water, and this one is indisputably below it. Obviously it's somebody else's. It was a...

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Eat Right and Exercise in Futility

Posted December 23, 2009 | 20:06:23 (EST)

The crisis in our current health care crisis has finally reached the crisis point. We must now take the issue firmly by the shoulders as one would a willful child, and, in the words of Pliny the Elder, punch its stupid face in. Let us summarize where we stand as...

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Where No Man Has Won Before

Posted September 30, 2009 | 20:20:14 (EST)

"A steam boat? That Fulton feller's gonna drown or kill us all!" "An electrical light? That Edison feller's gonna drown or kill us all!" "An 840 page September issue? That Wintour feller's gonna drown or kill us all!" When will the bow-tied vest-wearers of the it's-never-been-done-so-it-can't-be-done crowd ever learn? Time...

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Walking the Last Mile to Recovery

Posted August 4, 2009 | 18:33:34 (EST)

Hours of highly focused circular logic uncorrupted by the distractions of research or informed discussion have at last revealed the answer to our present fiscalamity. We need a scapegoat. Someone we can all enjoy taking down, who can be found quickly, and just as quickly dispatched. In the hopes that...

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It Is What It Isn't

Posted June 23, 2009 | 13:48:19 (EST)

Like most of you, until now I've done little to aid our dystrophic economy. Sure, I've complained and I've cursed; I nod vigorously whenever my opinions are expressed by people whose opinions matter. I've patriotically lost my job and even gone so far as to buy a book on how...

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A Tale of Tent Cities

Posted April 2, 2009 | 20:35:40 (EST)

Hoovervilles! Hobo Junctions! Shaky Acres! However you slur it, Americans are once again embracing DIY squalor. Across the country armies of the nouveau impoveriche are huddling around the soothing flicker of oil-drum fires to share the wisdom of their forebums and re-learn the ways of bean and can.
...

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Madoff: A Remembrance

Posted March 19, 2009 | 19:03:37 (EST)

Of all Bernie Madoff's outrages none surpasses his request to keep $69 million. The betrayal of friends and charities? Well, business is business. The unfathomable scope? You know how it is: once you rip-off your first billion, the next sixty four sort of disappear on their own. But asking for...

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Recession or Depression: Which is Right for You?

Posted March 7, 2009 | 14:05:04 (EST)

What is it with this economy already? Are we in a depression, as many believe, or merely a recession, as many believe? Could it possibly be some third, other thing, like a punishment from angry Cherokee spirits? A tracking error? Is it the fault of so-called "international bankers," as prominent...

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The Simplificator: Analog or Digital - At Last There Is No Choice

Posted January 12, 2009 | 15:59:39 (EST)

This entry marks the first installment of my long awaited series, The Simplificator, offering easily parroted explanations of the technologies that rule our daily lives.

On February 17, 2009, for some reason, all broadcast television programs originating within the U.S. will be sent digitally, replacing the old analog method. For...

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Cuba's Bold Path

Posted February 28, 2008 | 09:56:33 (EST)

Yielding to U.S. threats that he resign immediately or face the possibility of death from natural causes, 81-year-old Communist strongman Fidel Castro has stepped down. Acknowledging that America was fully committed to doing absolutely nothing to prevent the robustly ailing tyrant's life from ending of its own accord, the self-appointed...

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Super Pets Last All Winter Long

Posted November 26, 2007 | 13:14:36 (EST)

With Thanksgiving finally off the books the real holidays can now bear down us with merciless speed, shoving ahead the shockwave of gift-giving induced panic that grows more bowel loosening with each day. Despite the hyper-abundance of choice (greater now than it was when you began reading this) finding a...

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All the Rich Flavor With None of That Annoying Euphoria

Posted November 12, 2007 | 13:31:59 (EST)

Ned Goldreyer blogs for just-launched 236.com, where this post originally appeared.

The state of Nebraska wants to grow pot, or so congress would have us believe. What they really want to raise is industrial hemp, a plant that shares many, but not all, of its botanical features with marijuana....

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Six Easy Steps to Finding an Attorney General

Posted November 5, 2007 | 13:14:39 (EST)

Method of conclusively determining whether a nominee for office regards a particular practice as "torture."

Step 1. - Subject nominee to the practice under debate.
Step 2. - Ask if nominee believes he/she is being "tortured."
Step 3. - Note nominee's response.
Step 4. - Repeat Steps...

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